My Absence

I feel like a gopher peeking my head out of its hole to make sure everything is safe before I come out again.

 

*wind blows silently*

 

All's good.

 

I know. I've taken a short break from blogging around these parts. And I spoke to my roommate Jess about it. I told her how every since I said my final goodbye to OAOA (which I've held strong for a week now, doing good!), I haven't had much to say. My life, I felt, wasn't particularly exciting or interesting enough to write about on here. That may or may not be true. I'm sure I could've found something noteworthy to write about had I really sat down to try, but truth be told...I really had little to say.

 

But Jess assured me that that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. My life had no drama. That's ok.

 

And after a weekend of listening to a bunch of friends rant and cry to me about their relationship problems, it struck me that being single definitely has its perks. I have this notion in my mind that a relationship (the right one) will be this perfect, blissful experience, where we're always happy and life is fantastic and nothing can stop us.

 

Quite romantic. Quite unrealistic. Even the most loving of couples have their epic fail moments, the times where you wish you truly weren't "Him and Her" but just "Him" or "Her."

 

The idea of being in a relationship has become even more crucial in my mind because I'm unconsciously racing with my siblings. I'm the only one in my family not married or on the verge of getting married. I haven't even started the race. I'm still at the starting line, waiting for a partner to come along so we can bolt and catch up. What does it mean for me that I'm the only one in my family that doesn't have a significant other that wants to spend the rest of their life with me? Does that mean there's something inherently wrong with me?

 

No. It actually doesn't mean anything. It means I'm taking my own path, and my own time. And from an outsider's perspective...my perspective that is...my siblings look happy. Their lives look together. My mother, however, reassures me that none of my siblings lives are perfect, and they still come to her with all their rants, raves, and frustrations. I was actually talking to my writing partner, Josh, the other night about how I look at my older sister and am SO jealous that she's happily married and has a beautiful nine month old child. Then I started thinking about what it would be like to go to bed terrified every night that something is going to happen to your child, that this person's life is absolutely dependent on your maturity, responsibility, and cohesion. Sure, the child gives you unconditional love, but that love comes at a cost...the cost of your freedom. Your life is now your child's life.

 

And as much as I'd like a child at some point in my life, I know that I could not handle that right now, because I'm still learning how to completely take care of myself, and I'm still learning how to have healthy relationships with others.

 

So, when it all comes down to it...being single and without those responsibilities isn't bad. It's actually pretty great. I don't have a wife, I don't have a child, I don't have a mortgage, I don't even have a pet that I have to look after. I really am freer than I realize. Free to discover who I am and what I'm capable of.

 

And yesterday I discovered I'm slightly capable of forethought. I thought about this girl Melissa who I hadn't spoken to in maybe four months...she had gone to Pittsburgh for a while to do a rotation for medical school and I was wondering if she returned. Not three hours later, I didn't immediately realize that I was standing behind her in line at a Wendy's.

 

 

Weeeeeird.

 

She declined on lunch with me. Still single. :-P

 

-Spontaneous K