And I'm not talking about your run of the mill asshole. Not someone who says mean things or treats people like crap...no, I'm the worst kind of asshole. I'm the guy that is as nice and polite as he could possibly be, the guy everyone thinks is completely genuine and great, yet, deep down he's got a selfish motive of his own.
This is what I discovered...or better stated, rediscovered...about myself this weekend. What's worse is that I don't even do it on purpose. I'm ignorant to it. And it's probably why I've never had a serious relationship in my life that wasn't rocky as hell.
As stated in my previous post, OAOA's sister was unfortunately struck by a vehicle while riding her bike. This incident caused our day of fun to be canceled. Deep down inside, I knew that this had absolutely nothing to do with me. OAOA wasn't blowing me off, as she has done in the past, because she was tired, or wasn't feeling well...she had a legitimate emergency. But all too familiar feelings of abandonment and disappointment washed over me. Even though I was concerned about how OAOA was feeling, I found myself not so much concerned with how her sister was, but what the fuck I was now supposed to do with my Saturday.
I didn't want to do anything. OAOA and I had made our plans on Tuesday, and I had waited all week to see her. I was SO excited to hang out with her again, since we had such a good time the past two previous times, that it was all I could think about. And then, when this incident happened, something out of all of our control, I felt like it was happening to me and not to her. Like the universe had done this to me on purpose. I was the victim, not her sister.
I didn't want to do anything else. She was the person I wanted to see that day, she was the person I wanted to spend time with, and I was so disappointed that I felt like nothing I could do or nobody else I could see would make me feel better.
And so I did nothing. I "protested" like my friend Josh would tell me today. I literally stayed in bed all day, attempting to gather my thoughts and force myself to do something, but I couldn't. It was the worst form of non-acceptance.
The same went for today. I didn't want to get out of bed. I was supposed to go into work and do overtime, but I didn't feel like doing that either. Nothing. I wanted to sit and wait until I got to see OAOA again.
This was bad. This was dangerous. This was what I told myself a month ago when I thought I was dying that I would never, EVER do again, which is depend on someone else to make me happy. All I wanted was to be filled up by OAOA.
And as my friend Josh so aptly put it, "Her sister is in the hospital and all your siblings are just fine. And you're wasting away your time, upset because your plans didn't happen with her."
Oh...by the way...this is coming from a guy whose younger brother committed suicide. So there was a nice tinge of "Stop fucking complaining" in there.
I'm the worst kind of person. I try and do what's right for everyone else, trying to make their lives full and happy...but only so someone will do the same for me.
My priorities are way disorganized. I feel awful. I feel sick. I feel undeserving.
Shame on me. How could I do such a thing?
-K
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1 comments:
You may have acted a little assholish in this incident but that doesn't make you one.. you should always avoid making judgmental conclusions about yourself - its hard, but it's worth trying. You need to learn to be a little easy on yourself and not judge yourself this harshly.
I am not saying that just wallowing in your own misery and not thinking of Emily at all was a noble act, it wasn't; it's childish and selfish but you didn't have any malicious intentions and you did realize that you were being unreasonable, you were just unable to get yourself out of that funk.. next time you are in a similar situation, just force yourself to go out and do something even if you don't feel like doing it at all, you'll feel better..
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