Getting Back Up On The Ball Return

The title of this post makes absolutely no sense to you, but it will.

My last post, whether you have or have not read it, was a difficult one for me to write. No one likes to advertise their flaws to the world. It (usually) makes them feel quite vulnerable and less worthy of whatever. Let's say someone's friendship or respect. It's surprising to me, however, how often people do the exact opposite when you admit your flaws...they empathize with you and respect you more. Tell you that you're strong.

I also suppose what I'm going through isn't necessarily a character flaw, merely a fact of life. People go through shit. I'm going through shit. There isn't a person I'm going to meet at my age who has some perfect life put together and doesn't feel like it's going to fall apart sometimes. The trick is to find people whose shit complements your shit and you can fix your shit together.

We call that shit love. :)

And while at this point in my life I haven't had so much luck in the "romantic" category of love, I'm quite wealthy in the department of friends and family. I'm extremely fortunate to have people in my life who not only understand what I'm going through, but are being patient and helping me through it...my poor mother for one. I wanted to spend most of my Saturday in my bed, scared to leave the apartment in case of another panic attack, but my mother assured me that my Friday night panic attack was an incident not a setback. This was very important for me to understand, and she had to pound it into my brain several times before I got up, went to my local Starbucks, and wrote yesterday's post.

That evening, I was petrified to go to my friend Andrew's birthday. It was an hour away from my apartment, truly a distance for anyone whose ever had a panic attack and wants to be close to somewhere "safe." But I went. We were to have dinner and go bowling. It was going to be a whole evening. Probably a solid five hours of hanging out. That's a long time for me to spend with people as of late. But I went.

And by god, did I have a blast.

It was me and five of my best friends, guys I've known for over a decade. We've been bowling together since high school, it's one of our favorite past times, and we get really, really into it.

We're also quite good.

This was the first time playing at the alley we were at, so we talked about "breaking in the ball return" or "popping it's cherry." Why would anyone ever want to do that? What does that even mean?

I don't even know how this tradition got started, but we've literally been doing it since we were fifteen years old, and if you don't go through with it, it's bad luck. Every time you get a turkey (three strikes in a row for anyone who doesn't know) you have to hop onto the ball return and ride it like a bull.

It's ridiculous. It draws an insane amount of attention. But it's so much god damn fun when all your friends are cheering you on.

I rode the ball return twice last night. :)

It felt good to be out and to feel confident after having such a horrific evening prior. My mother was right. It wasn't a setback...it was just an incident. If I held onto it, then it would be a setback. But I had to just keep moving forward, and I did.

Amidst the evening, OAOA did text me...she got into an Art Show she had applied for in Seattle. She was so excited...and she wanted me to come celebrate with her soon, which is what I'm going to be doing with her in about two hours from now. Getting a drink at the Continental Midtown, something we've been planning on doing for months, before going on and off. I know what you're all going to say...the same things you've been saying to me before.

Sever the ties. Kick the bitch in the face.

Aaah, but I can't yet. Perhaps I haven't learned my lesson. Perhaps I'm a fool with a good heart and high hopes. Perhaps I believe that deep down she's got good intentions for the both of us, even if they're not exactly what I want.

But one thing's for sure...Pam did finally get back to me. And she wants to meet me this week. And I WAS excited to hear from her this time.

So if OAOA really wants me...she might have some competition. :)

-Spontaneous K