"In London, I woke to the sun streaming through the window, and the resolve that I can make things better, largely by learning a little self-control over body and mind. It's my mind, and my body, dammit."
DAMMIT! *pounds table*
That was the first thing I woke to this morning, from my good friend at Proud Maisie. The perfect words of wisdom after a weekend of unwarranted self-pity. I suppose any weekend after what I dubbed "the greatest weekend thus far of 2010" in my post Dangerously On Again was going to have a lot to live up to, but I didn't expect it to be utter crap. Let's re-cap:
- Cabinet falls off wall in the middle of the night, makes loud crash, breaks all my dishes, makes me think a burglar is going to kill me.
- OAOA's sister is sent back to ER for the second time after being struck by car while on bike, OAOA is in distress, can't see me, my plans are ruined.
- Waste most of the day protesting in bed, paralyzed by disappointment.
- Pull myself up enough to go out with Dan, have panic attack, run back home, feel guilty, embarrassed, fearful that I'm developing a phobia of best friend.
- Wake up late Sunday, should have gone into work to do overtime, don't feel like it. Feel bad for feeling bad, call friend for solace, get bitch-slapped by a reality check.
- Cold developing half-way through the day.
- Wake up at 4am in the morning, can't get back to sleep, cold fully blown, acceptance that Monday is going to be crap.
- Manage another hour of sleep, get that nice message from Proud Maisie.
- It's still raining from Thursday.
It's our human nature to blame things, as I learned from my good friend at Raptitude. I'd like to blame the shitty weather for this awful weekend, I'd like to blame the asshole that hit Emily on her bike and drove off, I'd like to blame my illness for making it difficult to see my friend, but when it all comes down to it, there is no one to blame. We must take responsibility for everything that happens to us.
So I should allow this weekend to be a lesson to me. While it was not preferred that I did not get to see OAOA this weekend, it is my responsibility as a human being to find something else to fucking do. It is my responsibility to say to myself "Okay, this wasn't planned, I don't necessarily have to like it, but what can I do to make the best of this situation and how can I handle it like an adult and not a protesting five year old?"
No matter how long I laid in bed protesting, the Universe wasn't going to magically go "Okay, sorry I screwed up your plans, here's something really nice in return. My bad."
No. I have to go make something really nice happen. That's how it works. The Universe provides us with the circumstance, we create the experience.
Perhaps the most profound thing I've said in some time.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have 11 hours to learn a little self-control over body and mind and pull myself out of this wretched emotional hole I've dug...
Because I've got a date with Pam tonight.
Wish me luck.
-Spontaneous K
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1 comments:
Good luck with your date.
And I know how you're feeling, I am there with you too. Be prepared for some fall-downs as you take control of things, there will be some, but you'll succeed in the end.
But I will say this: Like me, you can't help but wrap yourself up in the person you love, like a nice big security blanket. They are your happy pill when you are down, and your strength when you are scared. They are your, our, stabiliser wheels on our bikes. Thing is, most people can't manage themselves 100%, let alone be there for us. We have to take them there wheels off. Care to make a pact?
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