Somewhere Between On Again and Off Again

This is going to be an interesting summer, to say the least.

 

The girl I’ve been seeing for the past month or so, Teri, and I have decided to just be friends. Ultimately it was bound to happen, since she’s moving to Seattle at the end of August. Both of us felt, however, that it would be best to end it sooner, as the two of us know that attachment when someone is definitely leaving is a recipe for disaster.

 

Tomorrow, I have a first date with someone new. Rebecca. A 25-year old Social Worker, and another OkCupid prospect. Our first phone conversation lasted two hours, a good sign. I am genuinely excited to meet her, especially considering she’s NOT moving anywhere anytime soon. Unfortunately, the excitement has been diluted by recent activity with OAOA.

 

It’s very little activity. Like emotional tremors, warning you of an impending earthquake. Admittedly, I want that Earthquake.

 

Ever since she contacted me two weekends ago, I haven’t been able to get her out of my mind. And that’s when I decided that I wasn’t over her, I didn’t want to be over her, and I wasn’t ready to give up.

 

I wasn’t sure what her intentions were for reaching out to me. I’m still not sure. But I needed to give this one last final hurrah. I wasn’t going to keep my emotions trapped inside of me anymore. I’m kind of a crazy dude, as most guys can be when they’re in love, and I was prepared to show it.

 

I called her each and every night. And each and every night, I didn’t get an answer. I didn’t care. I was going to keep trying until I got one. Even it was “Kevin, if you don’t stop calling, I’m going to get a restraining order on you.”

 

I would take it. I loved her.

 

This past Saturday evening, I sent her an email. It contained a quote I had written, and a short message to her:

 

“There is a difference between the people we meet once and forget and the people that leave a mark. They both ultimately change our lives, yes, but the ones we remember, the ones we miss…those are the ones that continue to shape our lives even after they are gone. In that sense, there is no end. There is no real goodbye. You are forever crossed.”

 

I know deep in my heart that you truly are my best friend. Which is why I can’t let go. I can only learn to do better for you.

 

As usual, I didn’t expect to get a response from her. The next day, however, I did. Before I opened it on my blackberry, I ran through the possibilities in my head. I was almost certain it was something along the lines of “Please stop calling me and sending me things like this. It’s too much.”

 

But it wasn’t. It was simply: “ J Thank you Kevin.”

 

I replied with “You’re most welcome.”

 

I then heard from her again…saying “I was thinking…we should go to AC this week.”

 

I said, “Pick a day. I’m with you.”

 

It’s only been a day, but I haven’t heard back from her yet. She hasn’t picked a day. I called, and she still didn’t answer. I sent her an email this morning proposing Friday for our AC trip…but nothing.

 

All I can think is that where ever she is, she’s scared and she’s torn, yet at the same time she’s missing me and thinking about me.

 

At least one of us has to be sure to make this leap. And I’m sure. And I am not giving up.

 

Because I’ve never felt love like this before.

 

-Spontaneous K

It's Been A Long While...I Shouldn't Have Left You

If anyone’s still out there…

I’m sorry for my absence.

It feels like forever, even though it has been less than two months. I guess when you go from posting every day to not posting at all, two months can seem like a while.

Why return now? It’s not like I haven’t had a lot to say in the past two months. Indeed I have. Life, however, caught up with me. It was time for me to live and learn, not live and share, and my misadventures in the past two months have taught me some of the greatest lessons I’ve ever learned. I return now because I have too much to say and no one to say it to. So whether anyone is actually reading this or not, I send it out to the great cyber void in hopes to empty myself and feel slightly less weighted.

Let’s start with the most obvious topic: Women. In the past two months, I went on a dating binge unlike any I’ve ever had in my life. My experiment of talking to as many people as I could in a day turned my life upside-down, in a good way. I was feeling more confident, people were responding to me better, even my friends started seeing positive changes.

When I went out on the town with my friends on weekends, I had no problem going up to girls and talking to them. My friends couldn’t believe how easy I made it look. They said I had a super-power. They dubbed me Weapon X. In a specific instance, I alone managed to bring a group of girls, and one guy, over to my friends’ table and play drinking games with us for several hours, and then come back to my friend’s to continue hanging out after the bar closed.

This practice in the real world exacerbated my results in the cyber world. My online dating statistics skyrocketed. In one week, I had three first dates, and I managed to make out with each of them ON that first date. One of them in broad daylight.

Older women had often told me that one day I’d be beating women away with a stick. It kind of felt like that prophecy was being fulfilled.

Despite my bi-weekly panic attacks, despite being kind of broke, despite moving back in with my parents, something was changing. I was attracting women. Yet…something had also not changed. I wasn’t attracting any that I felt any real spark with.

I did meet one that I liked enough. She also liked me enough. She’s moving to Seattle in September for grad school for the next five years, so both of us knew that we couldn’t get attached and that whatever we had would be short term. And so…I got laid. For the first time in two years.

It was not the transcendental, ethereal experience I was hoping it was going to be. It was just…sex. There was no love, no passion. It was kind of boring. For the first time in my life, I have a non-exclusive fuck buddy, at least until September. She basically told me she was using me for sex. And I was pretty okay with that.

But all I could think was “That? That’s what I was yearning for two years, making my number one priority?”

It didn’t make me any happier. It boosted my ego a little, sure, but it made me realize that no one is going to make me happy. Sex is certainly not going to make me happy. And sex is not some life-changing instance. It’s a gross, instinctual desire, at its core level.

Making love, however…that’s what I knew I still wanted. But that wouldn’t truly make me happy either.

Through therapy, I dug deep into my soul and unearthed an epic amount of anger that I’ve been holding in for many, many years. I displaced this anger…on my siblings. My older sister, brother, and I got in a gigantic fight, one a size that my family hadn’t seen since we were kids. I almost thought that this was going to create a rift in my family and I was going to be that outcast…all because I wasn’t able to express my anger in a more appropriate manner.

Luckily, I salvaged it. My family really was there no matter what. Through this experience I learned that I had a disgusting desire for control over other people and circumstances, and if I don’t have that control, I grow angry and frustrated. I learned that in order to grow and have fulfilling relationships, I had to relinquish that control. It was the kind of control that ruined whatever I had with OAOA.

Right now, I’m living at home with my parents and saving a lot of money. I’m actually quite happy living with them for the time being. My screenwriting has come a long way, my personal growth has come a long way, and I’ve strengthened almost every important relationship in my life. My friends haven’t looked at me this way in a long time. I’m never alone on weekends any more. My phone often rings, and even if it doesn’t, I’m happy alone and have found activities to keep me busy. I have goals and a planned future. In as long as I can remember, I feel happy, settled, and fulfilled. I have everything I’m ever going to need.

And then I get a text message Saturday evening: “I miss you…”

OAOA. I held out. I held strong. I said goodbye to her and did what I needed to. But I didn’t forget. I thought about her every day. And when I saw her number on my blackberry, my heart went wild.

I missed her too.

A girl I was talking to from okCupid friended me on facebook. She looked through my photographs. She asked “Is Ali Williams your ex?”

I said “No. Just someone it didn’t work with.”

She said, “I can tell.”

“How can you tell that?” I asked.

“The vibe in the photo. The way you and her hold each other and smile. She really liked you.”

…

The girl continued: “We meet very few soul mates during our time in this world. She was one of them for you. And for whatever reason, she couldn’t commit. But you two matched.”

There is a difference between the people that you meet once and forget and the people that leave a mark. They both ultimately change your life, yes, but the ones you remember, the ones you miss…those are the relationships which continue to shape your life even after they have ended. In that sense, there is no real end. There is no real goodbye. You are forever crossed.

This story’s not over.

-Spontaneous K