Every Reader I Have Is Going To Love This: OAOA - The Final Battle

Well, you all saw it coming. I knew deep down that it was coming. I couldn't keep living by OAOA's rules without my emotions getting the best of me. I wasn't allowed to be myself. I was giving away all of my power. The friendship was on her terms.

And I got angry. It was over something small...but it meant something big.

I'd called her three days in a row. And she never got back to me. After I answer every text she sends me, every phone call, every emergency, every call for help...I can't even get a return phone call. And it really...really pissed me off. I called her out on it, and at first she was confused as to why I was angry, and then when she realized what I was angry about, she said "This is retarded."

That's when I flipped.

I said to her, "First off, as someone who is your friend, and who cares about you, don't you ever tell me that the way that I feel is retarded."

She promptly apologized, and then went on to listen to me rant, as calmly as I could, about how I've been acting perfectly for her, I've been the best that I could possibly be, I've abided by all her rules and requests, respecting her space and her feelings, and that it's frustrating and hurtful that when I call, when I need her, she isn't there.

She did what she always did. She sat there and she listened, not responding, not defending herself, she just said she was "Sorry and didn't know what to say."

It's like talking to a wall. I kept trying to get something out of her, but she wouldn't budge. She went on to say "I'm getting off the phone, I'm not going to sit here and let you say things that make me feel like shit all day. Why does everything have to be so drawn out and dramatic with you?"

I threw it back at her, saying that she had no right to call me dramatic when her whole life is drama and she lets me know ALL about it.

"I said I was sorry, what else is there to say?" she said to me.

Nothing. I knew her apology meant nothing, so I let her hang up. But I was still angry. I wasn't satisfied. So...

I wrote her this email:

"You have no idea how cold you can be. You have little respect for how I feel or how I work, and things get drawn out because you refuse to work on them, you just block them out or run from them.

I've put myself out there for you, and I can't keep being your crutch when things go wrong in your life if you're going to consciously keep a distance from me because your own insecurities make you feel like shit.

I've changed to try and make our friendship work because I think it's worth it, but you've hardly made any sacrifices.

It's selfish, and it's hurt me.

If you don't think you can honor how I feel, then don't tell me "I'm sorry, I'll try to change" when you don't intend to.

You've disappointed me so many times, but I keep coming back because when you're smiling and you're happy, you're amazing, but when you let your insecurities get the best of you, you forget how to treat people.

I've tried nothing but my best for you, and it hasn't been enough.

You never opened up, you never let me know how you were feeling, I've always had to guess or pry it out of you, which is why I act so erratic, because I never know what's going on.

I've tried to focus on what's good about us and how to strengthen that, and you've chosen to focus on what doesn't work and how to avoid it.

No matter how many times I say I care, or do things to show that I do, you never believe them. Why is it so hard to believe that I just want you to be happy, and that's why it hurts so much when you make me sad?"

And I finally felt better. It was like I was drunk and I vomited, and the sickness went away. It was my emotional vomit. I expected not to hear from her after that. However, I got a text an hour later: "Hey, do you want to hang out?"

I didn't know if she had read my email or not. But I agreed.

When I met her, I asked her if she had read it, and she said yes. Said she deserved it. And we hung out for several hours, not talking about what had happened. When it was all over, nothing was different. Nothing had changed. The time we spent together wasn't even good. It was awkward, a lot of it quiet.

When she left, all I could think was "You're still not off the hook. I'm still angry." She hadn't done anything special to redeem herself. She hadn't done anything to truly show that she cared. Coming out and hanging out with me after I wrote her that email took courage, yes, but it wasn't enough.

As I watched her ride off on her bike, I thought to myself "You'll never change. You'll never do anything to show me you care that even comes close to the things that I've done for you. And that's why this is never going to work. That's why this time it's really over."

Yeah, I'm sad. Yeah, she probably thinks she made things somewhat okay. But the fact of the matter is, I've wasted enough time thinking about her and trying to prove that she's worth all this. The pain and the struggle has become my choice now, and I choose for it to be over. It's time to find out who I am, heal a little, and open my heart up to someone else.

The universe doesn't end with a bang...it ends with a whimper.

It's foolish for me to believe I won't meet someone who I find more beautiful, or who I can connect better with, or have as much fun and create such wonderful memories with...

...because I always do.

-Spontaneous K