My Uprising

If there's any age that's most appropriate to have a quarter-life crisis, it would be 25. How 'bout that, I'm 25!!

This post isn't meant to be me boasting. It isn't meant to shine any pride I may have. But today is a very important day, and I have much to be happy and grateful about.

For a decade I fought anxiety and depression. I was struck in vicious circles and never-ending negative patterns that I couldn't recognize, patterns I believed would bring me optimal results and continued to bring me pain. I had faith in them so I kept feeding the patterns, like a gambler, hoping just one time, just ONE TIME it would work, nullifying all the times it didn't.

Comparably, I didn't have an awful upbringing. My teenage years were bright and so were my college years. But they were haunted by negative thought patterns and distortions. I had very close friends, friends who had similar patterns that I did, but my patterns started destroying relationships around the age of 16 and continued to do so up until very recently. And with each relationship they burned, they burned worse. I was a failure more and more each time.

I always saw myself as a good person. Someone who tried their best in everything that they did, someone who treated every human being with as much respect as I could muster, and for that I couldn't imagine why anyone wouldn't like me, or worse, why the people I loved would turn on me.

Well, growing up has taught me at least two things. One: No matter what, there are going to be people that don't like you...they might even hate you. This applies to the people you want to like you. And two: The people you love might stop loving you one day.

I'm not going to list the throngs of hardships I've been through since college. But they hit me like bullets: relationship problems, financial problems, living problems, health problems, until I finally collapsed under the pressure several months ago and found myself living at my parent's with no money and the danger of developing agoraphobia due to post traumatic stress.

I truly thought things were over. No matter how many times my family, my friends, and my doctors told me this all would pass, I thought my life was over and there wasn't a whole lot to do to stop it. All I had worked for, all I had dreamed of...the love of the right woman, a family, children, great works of writing and film enjoyed by the masses, traveling and experiencing the world...I thought it was being stripped from me.

And now I'm here. Where is "here" you may ask...

For two years I struggled trying to find a job that would pay me enough to cover my bills. I was either unemployed or underemployed, working for psychos or serving coffee to psychos, 3000 miles away from the dreams I had left in Los Angeles, lost in a cloud of uncertainty. I was 24 without a direction, without any money, living with my parents, nothing to show, nothing to offer a woman...I truly hated myself. I couldn't move on from Firefly, and then OAOA came into my life only to replace Firefly with the same problem I had before. It was a glimmer of hope that ended up being a repeat nightmare.

Two months ago I developed debilitating symptoms that made every day a struggle. Every day they were the same, persistent, and showed no sign of letting up. OAOA wasn't there to comfort me, my friends didn't understand, and even though I had finally landed a temp job that was paying me enough money, I could hardly make it through the day and I was out at the doctor's so much that I feared my job, the only stability in my life, would leave me too, and then I'd truly be fucked. I didn't have the energy for another loss like that.

So here's why today is important. Today, I am no longer at temp. Today I become an official employee at Comcast, where I'll be getting paid more than I've ever been paid in my life, where I'll have benefits that I've never had, where I'll work in the biggest building in the city, and where I'll have the opportunity to create a career in the arena where my dreams lie. I stand up tall because through everything...through the nightmare that was OAOA, through my sickness, through the greatest economic recession of our time, through the mental warfare that life put me through, from standing at the bottom of the deepest, darkest hole I'd ever stood in, I reached up to the light and said "No, I'm not giving up."

And I succeeded. I have a wonderful job. I have a place of my own with wonderful roommates. My symptoms are subsiding. I feel secure without OAOA. I feel secure on my own. This blog itself has given me structure and motivation. I have regained faith in my dreams. I'm writing every day, I'm developing every day, and I'm growing every day.

I feel renewed. I feel rejuvenated. And I welcome the possibilities once more.

2010 started off as if it were the end. The rest of 2010 is just the beginning.

-Spontaneous K

My Own Medicine

I’ve been feeling really good these past couple days. And sometimes I feel like there is some societal rule that feeling good isn’t allowed. At least in America. If you’re feeling good, then something’s wrong with you, because life is hard, god damnit, and you’re supposed to be miserable.
 
Blasphemy, I say!

If there’s one thing I’m not going to feel guilty about, it’s feeling good. Right now I’m feeling good about my life. I’m feeling good about my job, I’m feeling good about my health, I’m feeling good about my looks, and I’m feeling good about my dreams and my goals. I’m enjoying life, as they say. Even better, I’m enjoying these days because I’m feeling like I’m moving on from OAOA. Thank the lord.

One of the reasons I'm feeling so great is based on an idea I broached in My Great Disconnect about challenging beliefs and logic. Posting my photo on hotornot.com for the world to see...and rate...was a scary thing for me to do. I was forced to see the truth of how the women of the world perceived me. What I discovered was that I was perceived higher than I perceived myself.  It was not only an instantly confidence booster, but it allowed me to see what I was doing wrong in person, both mentally and socially, to have people perceive me the way I perceive myself.

Seeing things from new perspectives is always great. Sometimes, though, it gives you a taste of your own medicine. When you've been doing something wrong for so long, something you thought was okay but couldn't figure out why it didn't work, it's not until it's done to you that you realize why your methods were bad. Hot or Not also helped me to figure that out.

I spent about four hours last evening talking to a girl from Albany, NY who was all about me from the minute I clicked "Yes, I want to meet you too." She went on and on about how handsome and wonderful I was, how she wanted to travel immediately down from Albany to meet me, how we'd talk every day and share everything, and she kept apologizing for being so forward.

At first it was endearing. After a short while, it got overwhelming. Today, it's scary.

I can't be too upset with her, because I get it. I've been her. I'm really picky, and when I find someone that I actually like and connect with, I latch on to them with the excitement and desperation of a five year old, thinking I'll never find someone else and that they MUST love me. That isn't the way to woo the heart of the object of your affection.

I'm starting to feel good in my own skin for once. I'm starting to realize that I create my own value and that I don't need someone to make me happy. And now I have to help this girl learn that, at least a little bit, by doing the right thing and letting her know that she's laying it on a little too thick. Just because we love the same activities, Scrubs, Video Games, music, etc...doesn't necessarily mean we're going to make a great couple. Besides, she lives in Albany and I live in Philadelphia.

This is a great lesson for me to learn, especially now that I'd like to be a little more laid back with my relationships, and that's to let things move as they should. Slowly and effortlessly. Pressure and coercion don't create good relationships, patience and wonder do. I can see clearly by her actions that she's making the same mistake I was making with OAOA. She's already depending on me for her happiness.

I can see now how I've made some girls feel in the past by being intense. I think I'll now opt for the confident, secure, and mysterious disposition. :)


-Spontaneous K

My Love of the Blogosphere

This is seriously my new favorite thing. You never know what's going to happen. :)

I lift my glass to free, open, and anonymous self-expression.

God bless you blogosphere and everyone out there, whether you're listening or not.

-K

My Beef With Mornings

There are tips and tricks to getting to sleep and staying asleep. I've used them. They work. I personally like to sleep with my head in between pillows, and have a fan blasting to create some soothing white noise (not necessarily blasting on me). I also can't go to bed on an empty stomach. That never works. Oh, and definitely pee before you go to bed.

This is going to seem like a tangent at first, but I have a point. There are a lot of things I can say I've battled in the past decade. Sickness. Broken Heart. Loss of friends. Loss of Family. Car accidents. Robbery. Firings. Layoffs. Cross-country moves. Anxiety. Depression. But I mean, who hasn't dealt with similar monsters in the span of a decade? Some of those things are easier fights to win than others, and some are quite long lasting. But if there's one behemoth who has successfully bested me over and over again since as far back as I can remember it's this one:

Waking up in the god damn morning.

I'm not a morning person. I'm just not. I'm a night owl. And every single time I go to sleep at night, I tell myself I'm going to get up early and be productive. I usually even feel pretty motivated about it. But when that alarm rings, man...the battle is already lost. It never, ever, happens. And I truly don't know how to change it.

It doesn't matter if I get ten hours, eight hours, or six hours, if I'm awake before eight o'clock, I'm not a happy person and I have significant trouble getting out of bed. Heck, I don't even like waking up before 10am. I'm writing all this because my stupid alarm didn't go off and I was 45 minutes late to work, which nullifies some of the overtime I put in yesterday. Crap in a hat.

On the other hand, it's Friday. On the other hand, it's freaking snowing again and I'm going to be working some overtime this weekend, so a huge break isn't exactly in order. But on the other, other hand, I'm feeling a lot better, which means maybe I can actually go out and enjoy myself, perhaps with Jess who I've been spending my evenings with. We haven't really gone out to do anything yet, so I'm looking forward to a roommate outing. Last night we watched "Can't Hardly Wait" while she did homework and I did screenwriting. Company is wonderful.

I'm mad at myself for this. But I dig her.

Tara wasn't feeling well due to mid-terms, so we pushed back our date-type-thing to Sunday. At least she feels bad and keeps rescheduling. That's a good sign!

Aside from feeling better physically, this whole HotOrNOt thing has really opened my eyes. Not just about how other people perceive me, but how I perceive myself. When it comes to the 1-10 scale of how attractive someone is, I gave myself somewhere between a 6.5 and a 7.5, depending on the day...an 8 if I really did myself up. Last time I gave you an update, 54 women had rated me with an average of 9.3. Now, 131 women have rated me and my average is a 9.4. If 131 women think I have an average rating of 9.4, then it's my perception of myself that's skewed.

I thought long and hard about this. What does acting like a 9.4 entail? I don't want to be some vain, arrogant asshole, but it certainly feels good to know that you look good and others think so, right? This is about confidence and self-esteem, not arrogance. I can still be my nice, fun self without beaming to everyone that I'm attractive so they should love me. But putting myself down and thinking I'm less attractive than I am and am therefore unable to attract a lot of women...well that's counter-productive! It's a self-fulfilling prophecy!

If I can learn to feel like a 9.4, secure and happy in my own skin, more girls will react, and I'll be less likely to do that clingy "don't leave me" type deal that I do all the time. So how can I learn to feel like a 9.4?

Well...I took a solid look at the picture I posted. It's professional, but not doctored. A good friend of mine in LA, a professional photographer, took the picture in his studio with a great camera and great lighting. It's basically a headshot. In the photo I'm dressed well, my hair's done nicely, I'm standing tall, chin up, small confident smile, easy eyes...I'm relaxed. I'm secure of myself.

That's the key.

I need to dress and groom myself and treat my body and mind like I'm a 9.4 at all times because I am a 9.4. When I'm not shaving and sluggin' around and wearing wrinkled clothes and not sitting up straight or holding my head high or smiling, of course people (and myself) are going to think I'm a 6 or a 7!

It's time to bring out the 9.4 and see what happens. :)

-Spontaneous K

P.S. I've been in the situation above, where you hear your brother having sex with a girl you like. NOT fun times.

My 20th Post

That's the music I want to play every single time I receive something awesome in my life. I want it to play and I want to be able to hold the item up really high with a delirious expression of achievement on my face, just like Link does. (If you can't see the above video, wait a minute, I'm working this post remotely.)

I have a confession to make. I'm a bigger nerd than you all think I am. And Scrubs is not my number one passion. So what takes the cake? What's my number one love that surpasses Scrubs and even OAOA?

Video Games. Mmmm. Particularly old school ones.

While life would be fun if it were like Scrubs, life would be even MORE awesome if it were like video games. If I could touch a flower that would allow me throw fireballs, or shoot a hookshot to the signpost across the street and have it pull me across, shit would be amazing. Life, of course, isn't like that, so I live vicariously. And that's why I have this blog with my internal commentary! Because when I do receive fun trinkets or great objects, the above sound plays in my head.

 
 

So what did I get? Well, it's a little boring compared to something like the Mirror Shield, but I've received some medication that's going to help me with some chronic symptoms that have been plaguing my life for the past eight weeks. Plaguing is not a hyperbole...I haven't talked much about it in my blog, because it's a little deeper than I'd like to get here, but the fact that I'm on the path to recovery is a happiness I can't explain. When I would feel really ill, it didn't matter who was thinking what about me, it didn't matter what OAOA was up to...it really wouldn't have mattered if she were there and comforting me because nothing could make it better. When it comes down to the hierarchy of needs, things regarding health, like thirst, hunger, breathing, and illness or physical pain, surpass all other "needs", including the "need" of another human being. As someone who has been perfectly healthy his whole 25 years, and for the first time thought life was potentially over, this is a great lesson for me to learn.

MY KARMA

The universe is not without it's irony. While I sit here day after day complaining and wondering about what to do with OAOA, I'm not the only human being that's having problems with their loved ones. For the past week or so, I've been receiving daily calls from my friend Edward in LA, not only to check on me, but to commiserate since he is also going through a tough break up. Then, at around 3:30am last night, I receive a phone call from my friend Katie (my actual best friend, not someone on and off), who had moved to Chicago back in August. When I answered the phone, she was crying. She had just broken up with the boy she moved there with, the boy she planned to marry. The love, it seemed, was no longer there, and they were no longer able to continue working at it. So I thought to myself: "She's one of my best friends, and this is the universe's way of telling me to pay it forward. She needs my help, and it doesn't matter that it's three in the morning. Comfort her and be there for her."

So I was. And she wished that he (her boyfriend) could sit there and comfort her when she needed it, just like I would at 3am.

I have what it takes to be an amazing boyfriend. I've got what it takes to be an amazing friend. So I'm taking these opportunities, especially ones like with OAOA, to improve flaws that keep romantic relationships from occurring.

I spent several hours talking to my new roommate Jess last night. She's very attractive, don't get me wrong, but I had no romantic attraction to her when I moved in, just a slight physical one. But the more we talked, the more we realized we have in common, as far as goals and dreams are concerned. We have a lot of fun. And it's nice to be able to come home to someone who says "Hi! How was your day?" or "Good morning!" when you wake up or "Good night!" when you go to bed.

Romantic roommate relationships are trouble. But we're only going to be roommates until May 31st. I'm not going to pursue anything, because I'm certainly enjoying what I've got...but there really is a time limit, and because of that, anything can happen.

And remember Tara from My Small World, the girl I met during snowmageddon? Well, I'm having drinks with her tonight. Not necessarily in a romantic manner, but still...new friends are great. :) And it's going to be during another snow storm no less.

As clearly stated by the title, this is my 20th Post. That's a small milestone for me, and I'm glad I made it here. I'm excited to see where posts 40, 60, 100, 200, and so forth bring me. As of right now, things are looking bright.

Thanks to all my readers and to all the new friends and old friends in my life. Going back one more time to my health...if I can manage to overcome what I've been through in the past two months...then there truly isn't anything I'm not capable of doing.

-Spontaneous K

My Attempt to Communicate with OAOA

Okay. I know I promised I wouldn't mention OAOA, or at least I would keep it to a minimum...but a wise commenter was correct in saying that as much as this blog is for the readers, it's also about me, and if venting about OAOA helps me move on or feel better, then by all means, write about it.

Three days after she told me she needed space, she emails me asking me how my move was and such. This, naturally, is confusing for me. For the past couple days, we've been shooting emails back and forth sporadically, very very basic emails. Y'know, "How are you? What's Atlanta like? How are things in Philly? Liking your new roommates? Etc. Etc."

Bullshit conversation. It's bullshit. I'm no master when it comes to sociology, but as a writer for over 18 years, I'm trained to read subtext. In a real life conversation, it's a little bit more difficult for me, but don't you ever write me anything before considering that I can read between the lines. And I can read between the lines very well.

OAOA wants something from me. I don't know what it is, but she wants something. Perhaps she's bored in Atlanta. Perhaps she doesn't have anyone to talk to now that she's been stripped of her core group of friends for a short time and is missing the connection we once had. I don't know exactly what she wants, but there is purpose in her emails. Even if it's just to remind me that she still cares about me after hurting me.

People don't just speak. We don't just act. That's not what words and actions are for, they're not a random spattering of expression. Words are used to control. While we think they are used to convey, the underlying goal of speaking...or doing anything...is to attempt to manipulate the environment in a manner that is more acceptable to us. There is no denying this. So whether her motives are small or big, malicious or well-intended, she's attempting some form of control. And I think she's trying this because I always gave her control, and now she thinks it's gone because I told her I'd give her the space she wanted.

Be careful what you wish for. Sometimes we don't always want that space even when we say we do.

I can say that because I've done it. I've said goodbye to her because I couldn't handle just being her friend while being as close to her as we were, but then days later I'd contact her again because I didn't really want her gone.

We basically were in a relationship without having any sex. Wonderful emotional bliss, absolutely no sexual release. This, naturally, created some wicked frustration...at least on my end.

Yesterday, she responded to an email that I had sent the day before. She took an entire day to respond. That's fine. I was actually okay that she took that long to respond. But I had to take a friend's advice and WAIT. Don't respond right away, wait as long as she did to respond. It drives them nuts. It shows you have control, and a life of your own. Normally, I'd have been so excited to get an email from her that I'd write back instantly. But I waited. A whole day. And guess what happened when I emailed her back (with an email as brief as she sent me).

She got back to me within twenty minutes.

Maybe I'm looking too deeply into this. Maybe I'm not. But I know how she and I work. So I'm playing this game very carefully. She asked me something in this last email that threw me off a bit. Most of the conversational questions have been rather blah...inquisitive questions that any friend would ask. She, however, ended her email with "How have you been sleeping?"

Once again, could be reading too deeply into this, but I also may be reading it correctly. People who aren't your girlfriend or your mother don't ask you how you've been sleeping. People don't care about how you've been sleeping unless they genuinely care for your well being. As stated in My Sleepless Nights, I have nightmares, and I've been going through a lot that hasn't been allowing me to sleep very well.

Here's where I'm stuck. This could simply be her way of saying "I'm wrong and I'm sorry" because she doesn't know how to communicate how she's feeling, but because she doesn't know how to communicate how she's feeling, I have no way of knowing unless I ask.

I think I just answered my own question before writing the sentence I was going to.

The friendship/pseudo-relationship is already in a shit-storm and can't get a whole lot worse. I'd probably even benefit from it being completely over. So I was wondering if I should just NOT say anything and let this continue to build back into the nice thing that we had before. But then I realized that would be self-masochism. It might be nice for a little while, but the problem isn't solved. Even if we're going to be friends, we need to be able to communicate. I was afraid to ask her what she's thinking by contacting me and asking me about my life when she said she wanted space, in fear of her leaving again, but when it comes down to it, unless she learns to open up and communicate, she's not good for me and shouldn't be in my life anyway. It's not as big of a risk as I think it is.

So here goes nothing. Let's decipher her motives. Wish me luck.

-Spontaneous K

My Second Steps Forward

They say the first step is the big one. I say it still takes a manner of awesomeness to take step two and keep going.

I want to thank everyone who provided me with the insight that I was begging for yesterday like an incapable fifteen year old: Passionista, imerika, Katie, and JenJen. (All girls! Booya! Oh, and please check out their blogs via the comment section of this post, cuz dey legit [Note to self: Stop using street talk. And colons. And ellipses...and parentheses, especially parentheses within parentheses]). Sometimes a verbal smack from someone who isn't clouded by their panicky emotions is enough to bring us back to reality and allow us to think clearly.

From the bottom of my heart...I'm not an incapable fifteen year old, no matter how much I act like one (It's fun sometimes, when there isn't a real problem). I'm a capable 25 year old, and I'm going to start acting like it. Each of my blogger friends said much of the same thing with their own special touch. I'm a grown man, I'm awesome, and I need to live my life independent of what this girl is doing.

She wants her space? She's got it. Best for the both of us. So onward from her.

From this point forward I'm going to attempt to keep any words of OAOA to a minimum. I've been writing this blog for 17 days now (Woot!) and I've noticed most of my talk is about her. That's unfortunate, because I have an entire life to talk about. Like a whole one. Whole being key word. Not sort of empty because I don't have her or some other girl, but a whole life.

Even though I have written a lot about her, the point of this blog has become truly apparent to me now that I'm 17 days in. It doesn't matter what's going on, there's always a story to be told, there's always something that you can learn and experience in your day, even if you think you did the same thing you always do on a Tuesday. (If you recall from My Hump Day, I don't even know where to start on how I feel about Tuesdays. Staff Meeting. Blah.) I'm proud that I've kept it going for this long, and I'd love to be able to reach the month milestone, the two month milestone, and, god willing, the year milestone. How cool would that be to be able to look back at the year and see a story each day? To truly understand what you went through over the course of one year? I'd like to see it. At this age, time flies by so quickly that I've found myself come each December 31st going "What the hell happened this year?"

If I write here, I'll know. :)

I should start labeling the posts though. It's hard, because I do the posts remotely, since work blocks www.blogger.com. I'll figure something out though. Perhaps go back at the end of the day and label the shiz out of them. Okay, I'll keep with the street talk. It's funny when a neurotic Jewish guy tries it.

On a great note, my new roommates, Jess and Josie, are awesome. I stayed up (WAY too late) talking with them and getting to know them. They even invited me out with them, which is really cool. It's nice to be able to come home and have people to talk to for once, people you enjoy. Even though it's only for three months, I'm thinking it'll be a three months that makes a good mark. And if it doesn't...oh well, right? Onward Ho:

Lastly...and I'm not a vain human being, I'm just completely surprised at this...a friend of mine suggested I try www.hotornot.com to try and meet girls. He's dating a few from there right now, and I was like "Really? From there?"

Why not.

I posted my pic. Now, I use the Internet a lot. A lot a lot. People are assholes. There are some mean mother-effers out there (I'm feeling the need to keep this blog semi-clean). For those not familiar with "Hot or Not", you rate pictures of others from 1 to 10 based on attractiveness. You can't really get more superficial than that. I expected myself to be in the 6-7 range, average.

Hmm. No.

Very much to my surprise, after having 54 women vote me thus far...FIFTY-FOUR (that may not sound like a lot in terms of the Internet, but imagine 54 people standing in front of you and then telling you what they rate your attractiveness. It's enough to make or break your ego)...I have an average of 9.3.

I'm not bragging. Because I still don't really believe it. It doesn't make sense. Somebody's joshin' with me.

Or maybe I should just give myself some more credit.

But a 9? Really? :)

-Spontaneous K

My Utter Confusion/My Call For Help

I'm trying not to do double titles here, since Scrubs never did that...but this morning calls for desperate measures. Anyone out there who's reading my blog, and I know you're mostly twenty-somethings, please, I need some assistance here. This isn't a pathetic cry for comments, I'm quite happy with the amount that I get, I just don't know what to do right now.

So, if you've been following, you know all about My On And Off Again Best Friend (OAOA), My Wishful Thinking, My Wishful Thinking Part II, and My First Steps Forward.

For those who haven't been following, I've basically got a girl messing with my heart who I thought came back into my life for a brief moment, upset me by raising my hopes by having a great time with me and giving me a gift, and then dropping off the face of the earth again, saying it was too much too soon.

She wanted her space. Like a gentleman, I obliged.

For the first time since I've known her, she didn't allow me to see her before she went away for a little while. This weekend she took a trip to Atlanta until March 2nd. In the past five months, every time we had to go away, even if it was for a long weekend, she'd make sure she got to see me.

Not this time.

That really put the nail in the coffin for me. I thought it was done. She can come to me when she wants me, I guess, but my friends are telling me to let it go for good.

I had half a mind to unfriend her from Facebook. But I didn't. Because I don't like saying goodbye to people. I like to try to make things work. Although, I'll admit, I'm impatient.

The day after we said goodbye last week, my Facebook status was "Picking up the keys to my new apartment tonight. Life changes. Onward Ho!"

She "liked" my status. Why? Why would she do that? I tried not to over think it. Did she like that I was moving? Did she like that I was accepting that life changes and that I was planning on moving on from her? I don't know. I tried to ignore it the best I could. And I did.

This morning, my phone buzzes. It's a Facebook message. From her. Asking me "How was the move?"

That's all. Short, simple. But SO FREAKIN' COMPLICATED AT THE SAME TIME? Why? Why is she doing this to me? She wants me, but she doesn't want me. She cares, but she wants to care from far away. Do I answer? Do I ignore it completely and let her really drop out of my life for good? I don't know what to do. My friends say she's toxic, my family says she's toxic, and while I admit (clearly from this blog) that we have problems, they are problems I want to fix, because I love her.

Within the first 30 seconds of receiving the message, I wanted to reply. I didn't know with what. I didn't know if I should just say "The move was fine," and leave it at that. I didn't know if I should give her in depth details about how I'm liking my room and my roommates. I didn't know if I should be like "OAOA, what are you doing? You said you wanted space and it's been three days." Is she testing me?

I'm at a loss. I don't know which action to take next. I don't know what she's trying to do, whether it's genuinely find out if my move went okay because she cares, or if she's trying to get back in.

I DON'T KNOW.

And it's totally ruined my morning. Somebody please help.

-Spontaneous K

My Buddhist Brunch

Darn it! I missed a day.

I had been doing so well for about two weeks, not missing one morning with a little lesson to share with the world. I guess I can get away with it because I did two posts in one day this past week. Blah. No excuses. It's been a tough week, but I gotta get back in the groove. Because the longer you let it slip, the harder it is to climb back up. And this, my friends, is a hobby I want to keep at!

We all do, don't we? Even if we can't find things to write about, we should just write. That's what it's there for.

If only I could motivate myself to go the damn gym. Blogging's a little different in that regard...you get readers and supporters, and likewise you read other blogs and support them. At the gym, everyone is all stand-offish. You don't walk in and have a bunch of regulars go "Yo, Spontaneous! You work them Pecs today! Keep at it, brotha! Lookin' solid!" No, you have a bunch of people trying not to make eye contact with anyone else because you could smell the self-consciousness in the room.

I don't know why I had that person call me brotha right there.

It always interested me how most people like to try new activities and explore new ideas with supporters...friends...people they trust. Expanding your comfort zone is a serious skill that takes hard work to master. Fortunately, it creates what is called a "Virtuous Cycle" (the opposite of the dreaded Viscous Cycle) where the more you do it, the easier it becomes and the more you want to do it. It's exciting. You want to see how far you can push yourself. Even more amazingly, people are surprised to find out that they can push themselves pretty far.

This goes back to what I was saying on My Hump Day. We often say we can't do things, immediately dismissing it as impossible, just because of the word "can't." Most times, we really just don't want to. But it's easier to do if you've got someone willing to take the plunge with you!

Yesterday morning I had brunch with two friends of mine from my previous Starbucks job. The job was a complete freakin' nightmare, but if there was one thing that kept me sane while preparing coffee for endless drones, it was the wonderful people I worked with. We were in it together. When a summer Saturday night rolled around and we knew the place was going to be rampant with delinquent kids and homeless men looking to use our bathroom as a...well, a bath...my co-workers and I would strap on our aprons, stand up tall and say "Let's get this."

Felt like "300". Except it was 3. Against hundreds. And it wasn't our stamina we had to uphold, it was our patience.

Anyhoo, Diane and Aaron were two great friends that I made there and am happy to say I've kept in touch with since I left there in November. Diane is 28, I'm 25, and Aaron is about to turn the age of all ages, 21. Between the three of us, we've got this decade in our loves covered as far as experiences go. We've got lots to talk about. And it became apparent to Aaron and Diane, through conversations I had had singularly with both of them, that I was a spiritual guy. I was into Buddhism, introspection, working towards being a compassionate, aware, awakened human being. They were too. And they wanted to bring me in to talk with them so we could figure out a place to go, a meetup in the city, where they did guided meditations and had discussions. It sounded really wonderful, and it was quite nice to know that another two friends of mine very much valued my thoughts. Thoughts they called wisdom. I certainly wasn't trying to be modest, but I had to let them know they I barely knew more than they did, if I truly did. I have a lifetime of learning to go.

Afterwards, I spent about $200 at Target gathering materials to create a sleeping space in my new apartment. Air mattress, mattress pad, pillows, comforter, lamp. I hadn't owned this stuff since Los Angeles. And while I didn't particularly like parting with the money, since I don't have a whole lot saved just yet, it was a really nice feeling to know that this stuff was mine. I had a bed. I had my own pillows. These weren't my parent's, these weren't my sister's, this was MY stuff, in MY room.

That's enough to make any 25 year old feel good about themselves. :)

-Spontaenous K

My First Steps Forward

I ran the full range of emotions last night. I ran the circle from depressed to denial, to anger, to bargaining, and after it was all said and done and time to go to sleep, boom...acceptance. For now.

From what I understand of myself, and even what some others have told me about their experiences, it's always a little numbing after something like this happens. The initial shock wears off rather quickly, and then you feel okay. Relieved even. "That wasn't that bad!" Until a few days later when the realization kicks it that this really did happen and it's going to be harder to deal with than you thought.

Well, I'm ready for that. Wouldn't be the first time. I did something stupid last night after OAOA and I said our final, final goodbyes. I contacted Firefly because I wanted some console. From the bottom of my heart, I know I wasn't trying to reignite any flames...I just wanted to talk to an old friend that would understand. Unfortunately, even in times of need, those you want to be there won't always be...I haven't heard back from her and most likely won't.

I was able to speak with one friend who is going through a bit of a break up himself, my boy Edward, who was like an older brother to me when I lived in LA. After listening attentively to each other's woes, he gave me the greatest compliment he's ever given me:

"Y'know why I like talking to you? Because you're so comfortable with how you feel that it makes me feel okay to feel what I'm feeling."

This calmed me in way you probably can't understand. As a guy who has difficulty masking his emotions to the outside world (often why I get called a girl...or gay), I've always been self-conscious about it. My feelings are way out there for everyone to see, whether I like it or not. I always viewed that as being vulnerable or melodramatic. But apparently to Edward, it's confidence and trust...it's acceptance. I am feeling how I feel and I'm okay enough to share it with the world. At least that's his perspective. I like it.

Moving onward the best I can, it's time to seek out a new cast (or let one come to me) and enjoy what I've got. Great friends, a great job, great family...not much else I could ask for. The love life will come. I just need to feel a little more comfortable in my own skin. Neediness, says Edward, is the greatest opposition to attraction. Once I'm fully confident and secure with myself on my own, that will be apparent to others, and they'll come to me.

I know this blog only has a view subscribers thus far, and I'm not even sure if they're reading it regularly...I just know that I've found myself really looking forward to writing a post each morning. I know someone will read this, even if it's just me down the line looking back, and they'll gain something from it.

I take my showers at night because I have trouble getting up in the morning. This morning I managed to get up to take that shower. I underestimated how refreshing a shower in the morning makes you feel.

I pick up the keys to my new apartment after work today.

Onward Ho! :)

-Spontaneous K

My Wishful Thinking, Part II

For those just tuning in, please read My Wishful Thinking, Part I.

This is my second post in one day. (My Sleepless Nights, Part II does not count.) So something must be going on.

There's one major reason why OAOA and I just don't work as a couple. If we had never been intimate, we would have worked great as best friends, and I'll tell you why in a second. But as a couple, we were doomed, unless she was willing to accept my help...which right now it seems she's not.

I am someone who is not only very good at communicating how I feel, but I don't even know how to not communicate how I feel. I must get it out of me. If I try and hold it in, my body feels like it's going to explode. Seriously. My emotions create some pretty amazing physical symptoms, and I need to express what's going on inside of me. I do that verbally or through writing, but I can very succinctly describe what I want and how I'm feeling.

People who cannot communicate how they feel frustrate me. They frustrate me not only because I cannot understand why they cannot communicate how they feel, since I've always been able to (I'm working on being more empathetic in this manner) but also because I can sense how people are feeling. When I know someone, if I feel a connection with them, I know exactly what they're feeling almost to the point that I can express it for them. And sometimes I do. And sometimes that amazes people.

OAOA is someone who has an extreme impediment when it comes to talking about how she feels. But she loved talking to me and communicating with me because I could sense her...I understood where she was coming from, she opened up to me, because for whatever reason, I connected with her and I felt the same things she did, and I was able to communicate them and she wasn't. That's why she latched on to me. In the beginning.

When the lines of romance got crossed, though, I became someone she couldn't confide in because her feelings were about me. That's when she would shift her social patterns and her body language, all of which I could read to the "t", and I would literally have to pry out of her what was wrong. Sometimes that would take me days to a week. And during those days I would feel so much sadness, anger, frustration, guilt, and fear that I was almost incapacitated. I was like that because she wasn't letting me know what was going on. She felt all those same emotions...because she was unable to tell me what was going on.

Imagine playing "20 Questions" but already knowing the answer, and it's about how someone you love can't be around you. It's not fun.

That's why I had the dreams I had last night. That's why I haven't been right since I saw her last Saturday. Because I knew how she was feeling, and she wouldn't tell me. She's not comfortable with me yet. She wants her space. And when I asked her why she couldn't just tell me that, she straight up said (via text, because she hates talking when she's uncomfortable) "Because I can't communicate how I'm feeling."

So there she goes. Off again. Until she's ready. Which may be never. I want to say I feel like I've blown my chances, but at the same time I'm not sure this could have gone down any other way. Two people like us were bound to interact in such a way, right?

Doesn't make me any less sad that she's gone. Because I love her. I do. And there's nothing worse in life than not being able to be with the ones you love.

At least I was able to handle the situation with grace, and I didn't allow all the anger and frustration I've been feeling since the weekend become apparent. I was noble and honest, and said I wanted the best for her. Which, right now, meant me not being around. I really hate when that's what's best.

I helped her all the time. With everything. Whenever she needed it. And I truly believed I could help her learn to communicate how she was feeling. Maybe in an imagined future.

For now...I'm really sad.

That's all.

-Spontaneous K

My Sleepless Nights, Part II

I stumbled upon this and thought it was relevant. :)

 

Courtesy of http://wttf.org

My Sleepless Nights

The subconscious mind is a tricky thing. Even if you think you're telling it wonderful thoughts to send you off to sweet dreamland...it knows what you're really thinking.

Last night was one of those nights for me. One of those nights where no matter how many times you wake up and fall back asleep, you find yourself in the same dream. About the same person.

I haven't been quite right since I saw OAOA last Saturday. She threw me for a loop, as women do, and I interpreted her actions one way when they...as I'm finding out with much disappointment...meant another. And while I wanted to deny any emotions of dependency or need for this girl, my subconscious mind was not about to have it. "YOU WILL KNOW THY TRUTH! YOU SHALL HAVE YOUR EMOTIONS EXPRESSED!"

Oh, did I. (My subconscious mind doesn't sound like God. But maybe it should. Or maybe not.)

I spent my eight hours of rest caught in a whirlwind of dreams all revolving around the same premise: I need OAOA and she's no where to be found. I want her attention, her compassion, in some way shape or form, and she's either ignoring me, or I'm panicking and running all over the place, looking for her or asking people where she is. And after eight hours of foggy meandering, my search came up fruitless. Each time I'd wake up from the dream feeling exactly the way I felt in the dream. Hurt. Lost. Abandoned. Betrayed. Without Value. Oh, and out of breath.

What's unfortunate about the matter is that the dream isn't a whole lot different from real life, and I think its message of a fruitless search is extremely important. The mind and the body know what's good for it, and the dream wasn't there for no reason. In fact, this isn't the first time I've had a series of dreams like this with someone.

In My Great Disconnect, I mentioned someone I spent eight years trying to convince our relationship was worth it. For the sake of anonymity, I'll keep with the nicknames, and I'll call her Firefly.

Firefly was a saga in my life. (I even plan to write a book about it.) It's not just a tiny little piece, right now it accounts for an entire third of my existence. It was a period that forced me to learn, the hard way, what it meant to love someone. And when I had fears that Firefly was going to leave me for good and I'd be left alone to my own hurtful thoughts and emotions, those terrible dreams would nag at me, specifically at times like this. Times where we just started interacting again and aren't sure where it's going to lead.

Now that I'm awake and have more control over what I'm thinking and feeling, it's apparent that I'm once again making the same mistake I made with Firefly with OAOA. But at least I'm realizing it a lot sooner.

It sucks. Every time. Having feelings for someone that doesn't reciprocate never gets easier. Sometimes it gets harder. But the more it happens, the more we come to realize that true happiness comes from within ourselves, and we're the only people responsible for it in our lives. That doesn't mean it's easy to provide it for ourselves...

...but do we want to take the easy road and leave our fate up to others? Or do we want to take our happiness into our own hands?

I'm up for the challenge.

-Spontaneous K

My Hump Day

I think favorites are funny. The whole idea of a favorite is a tad over emphatic, since there's always a better something out there. Being the "best" is impossible.

I even mentioned to my friend Dan last night how when Scrubs finally goes off the air, "Community" will be my new favorite show because it's the only other one that consistently gets me to laugh out loud, and the humor is as sharp and as edgy as Scrubs. I'm also a Chevy Chase fan until I die.

Let's not talk about the end of Scrubs right now though. :(

So when it comes to days of the week, or even months of the year, it's always interesting for me to hear people's favorites and least favorites. Although I don't think I've ever heard anyone say, "Dude, I love Wednesdays." Or any variation thereof containing Wednesday. I have to stop saying dude.

I, too, very much dislike Wednesdays, and it's apparent why. People give Mondays crap, but I also feel there is a manner of acceptance on Monday shared by fellow co-workers. (I'm going by the normal 9-5, Monday to Friday work week demographic. There very well could be people who can't wait for their Mondays or Wednesdays). On Monday, everyone may be grumpy, but at least they're all grumpy together, and the grumpiness is empathized. It's a new work week, no one wants to be here, except for that consistently and exuberantly cheery human being who you think is probably a psycho at home, because nobody can be THAT happy all the time. Everyone knows that person.

Even Sundays can get at bad rep. Sunday evenings at least. Because you've always got that looming fear of Monday over your head, or that guilt that you actually relaxed over the weekend instead of getting things done. Sundays can be subtely mean in that way.

Tuesday I just can't explain.

But Wednesdays can wreak havoc on a person's life, each and every week, especially if the weeks have become mundane. It's that mid-point (hence the hump) where you're close enough to the weekend to start thinking about it (unlike Mondays or Tuesdays), but far enough from it that it seems like it'll never come (unlike Thursdays and Fridays). If you're week isn't good by Wednesday, it's tough at this point to rebound, and I've found it's the hardest day to pull yourself out of bed. You reflect on what you have or haven't already done this week, and how you're going to make it through the the next two days.

Grrr, this is why I watch Scrubs. Because I find myself falling into the half-empty category...especially on Wednesdays. I'm working on viewing life with a more half-full perspective. When I found myself having trouble getting out of bed this morning, I heard myself saying "I can't." And I pondered what that really meant. How often do I say I can't? How often does it actually mean "I don't want to?"

When you think about it, 9 times out of 10, or even more, we CAN do the things we think we can't. We just don't want to. Either because it's hard or we're scared. So even when we (or I) tell ourselves "I can't be happy,"...I'm inclined to believe we just don't want to do the things required for us to be happy.

So when I find myself thinking "I can't handle Wednesdays", I really mean that I don't want to handle Wednesdays. Because every Wednesday I come out alive. I'm just not accepting that Wednesday is a part of life, and that it'd actually be easier if I welcomed it, just like every other negative life experience.

I was going to go into the idea of daydreams and having fun with situations in order to get through tough days (and I had a nice JD's Fantasies clip to go with it. I'll save that for another post), but I think I've touched on something more important. So here's a more serious clip from Scrubs.

What do you find yourself saying you can't do? I bet you that you can do it. Whether you want to or not.

-Spontaneous K

My Great Disconnect

This is an important post.

This morning, I did something I haven’t done…ever really…except for the time I spent 10 days in Israel, but even then I had a replacement on me.

I left my cell phone (more accurately my blackberry) at home. That’s right, ladies and gents. I am, in the 21^st century, the year 2010, without my cell phone. It is not on my person. So what the hell does that even matter?

Allow me to explain.

My crackberry (not a typo for anybody not a techie nerd) is my livelihood, my bread and butter. It connects me to everyone and everything I could ever want. It has every phone number I could ever need, I can reach anyone at any moment, I know the time, the temperature, the weather hour by hour, I can get directions, I can get definitions, I can browse the internet at my leisure, I can keep notes, I can keep count, I can keep a calendar, I can listen to music, I can watch videos, I can see what my friends are up to, I can…lose myself completely.

I’ve admitted to myself that I’d quicker give up my car than I would give up my cell phone. And, to validate the point I’m going to make next, I still wouldn’t give up my car that easily.

Why?

We live in a world defined by the things we have. And that includes the people and social networks we have. My blackberry is worth so much more if I have 500 people I can call instead of five. Or maybe that’s just my skewed logic. And I’ll get more into that later.

While I can’t speak for everyone, I know I don’t speak solely for myself when I say that we think we own our things, but they actually end up owning us. I heard a quote yesterday that was probably the creepiest one I’d ever heard: “Lions and tigers were once the kings of the jungle and now they’re in zoos. I suspect the same future for us.”

And while you may not see humans in the same kind of zoo, it’s a metaphoric zoo. A digital one. One called technology. We’re trapped and we don’t even know it. How Matrix of me.

Now, it’s not so drastic for everyone out there. Not everyone is addicted to their things and addicted to connection. I, on the other hand, kind of am. And that’s why this is important for me. My First Internet Enemy and I had an enlightening conversation about the foundations of beliefs. For the past decade I’ve been feeling a specific way about life, and for the past couple years, at least, I’ve been trying to change it, to no real avail. Or so I THOUGHT I’ve been trying to change it. My circumstances and the people in my life have certainly changed, but how I view life hasn’t changed at all. I’ve learned a lot, but I haven’t applied anything. Because my beliefs are so grossly ingrained in me. So how does one go about changing their beliefs?

Logic. Beliefs are built upon logic. We believe something because it makes sense to us. When it truly comes down to it, 2 +2 = 4 is a belief honored by a logic that we were taught and a logic that we trusted and made sense to us as children. It’s universally accepted that 2 + 2 = 4, so you’d be crazy (by society’s standards) to claim otherwise. But the real truth of the matter is…we just believe that 2 +2 = 4. And until someone or something shifts our perspective, we’re always going to believe that.

This is a stupid cliché, but it’s true. Seeing is believing. And that’s why my beliefs have never been changed. I’ve never witness something that challenged my logic. So what belief am I particularly trying to change?

What I’m worth (or not worth) and why.

Going back to the statement of having 5 or 500 people in my Blackberry, I see the world as quantitative. The more I have, the more I’m worth. The more I succeed, the more value I have. I’m addicted to praise and admiration. And every time I screw up, every time I make a mistake or hurt someone or do something that society has labeled as negative, I lose points. And since we’re human beings, we screw up a lot. It’s even worse when we make the same mistakes over and over…I know I tend to take more points off for those.

Somewhere along the line, I went way into the red…I believe…with my mistakes. So I’ve been scrambling and scrambling to make good on what I’ve done, which in cause has created more mistakes, putting me further into the red. When does it stop?!

It stops when I realize that mistakes are natural, and necessary. I should be freakin’ exhilarated every time I make a mistake, because it’s an opportunity to learn and grow, to become wiser. Unfortunately, that’s not the case, and isn’t for most.

I’ve been undergoing a lot of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which is the process of changing your thoughts and beliefs in order to change how you feel. A lot of it is writing. It’s writing down your flawed views and rewriting them with more logic. This is effective. But I need to take things a step further. I need to take action. I need to see to believe. How can you change your own beliefs when you don’t even trust the logic that you’re writing down?

You can’t. The only way to do it is to challenge your logic. Somewhere deep down, I believe I need my blackberry, and I’m scared not to have it. It represents my social world, my praise, the people who care. It represents my knowledge and my status. It’s a tool that I’ve become dependent on. Without it, I’m afraid I won’t be able to take care of myself or get by…I won’t have the people who can help me close at hand.

Once again, this may not be the same for everyone, but technology has made me a tad emotionally weak. I’m unable to do things or learn things on my own because it does it for me. And I’m thinking perhaps it’s time for me to be aloof. Time to be the guy that doesn’t pick up his phone on the first ring, each time every time, but the guy who takes a while to get back to you because he’s busy, or just plain making time for himself. Why does the phone NEED to be answered when it rings? Why should my life revolve around the needs of the entire world that is packed into my mobile device?

And one of the reasons this change ultimately needs to take place is because of my On And Off Again Best Friend (OAOA). My First Internet Enemy also stated how I shouldn’t be going after someone who isn’t sure if they want to be with me, or even want me around. I shouldn’t have to prove to them I’m worth it or convince them to stick around. They should just want to. And the longer my phone is on me and she doesn’t respond, the worse I feel. So if it’s not on me, and I become less connected to it, I have a feeling I’ll become less connected to her and the idea that I need another human being (and their praise) to be happy. I spent 8 years…EIGHT FREAKIN’ YEARS… trying to convince someone who once said she loved me that we should be together always. It’s been 5 months, long months, with OAOA. It hit me this morning that I’m not going to let myself go a day longer. It will NOT be eight years again. Not even close.

It’s about time I challenged my logic and beliefs instead of questioning them. It’s about time I actually faced my fears instead of just observing them. I know there are an infinite amount of ways to view the world. And I swear by myself to see it in at least ONE other way than the way I’ve been seeing it for the greater part of my life.

I may need to invest in a watch, though. My blackberry was the only thing that told me the time…

-Spontaneous K

My Wishful Thinking

Last post I mentioned the blinding pain that almost always accompanies bliss. I'm experiencing that now. And no matter how many times I dream of having this wonderful connection with another human being, it always seems to end in me feeling like the world is crashing down upon me.

As My First Internet Enemy taught me, perceived emotions at face value may not be what you think they are at all. Someone who seems like a jerk at first may actually be someone nice, reaching out in a way you're just not used to. Unfortunately, the opposite is also true. Someone who seems happy and excited to be around you very well may not be.

I had a stressful weekend, but the time spent with My On and Off Again Best Friend made it all worth it. I can't begin to explain how happy I was when I was with her and how almost all my problems seemed to evaporate while we were laughing and having fun. She made it seem like she wanted us to be back to where we were. I truly thought that's what she wanted. Why else would she ask me to take her to the ER and then have dinner with me and then ask what I'm doing later in the week and ask if we were back to hanging out?

Am I missing something?

Well. It could have been what I said at the end of it all.

She and I are both extremely sensitive and over-analytical. We're the most sensitive and over-analytical people that we know. And because of that, we're constantly walking on eggshells around each other, especially since it's apparent there are higher feelings involved. This time around, I wanted us to really focus on that fact, knowing that we're like that, and just let it go. Stop worrying about what the other is thinking or feeling and just have fun.

There may not be a "this time around." We've said goodbye half a dozen times already. I'm not sure this is a chance I'm going to get.

Back to what I said at the end. As I was dropping her off and reveling in the gift she had given me, that's when she said "I'm not even sure if you're going to want it." Reminding you that it was a framed picture of her and I, I let her know that I truly did want it, and had wanted it since Christmas. And when she asked if we were back to hanging out again, I knew then and there that I had to say the right thing. I think I blew it.

I said yes. But I had mentioned being her friend on Facebook again and how I wanted to leave that up to her because I want it to be when she was ready. She didn't really give me an answer on it. I mentioned that I just wanted to have fun with her. And then we said goodbye and said we'd see each other later on in the week.

After I got home, I texted her telling her how thoughtful the gift was, and I thanked her for being my best friend. In retrospect, I realized how much pressure "best friend" sounded like.

I never got a response from that text. I called her the next day. No answer. No call back. At the end of the day, I decided to friend her on Facebook myself. Knowing she has an iPhone and is an avid Facebook user, I expected my phone to buzz rather quickly with the indication that she had accepted my request. I waited all night...my phone never buzzed.

That takes us to today. Where I've been panicking. I know her...I know her waaaaay too well, and when she's not responding to me, it's because I've said or done something that has made her uncomfortable. Due to the nature of our past, I wanted to hold out and just pretend that everything was okay, and not bother her to try and get out of her what's wrong, because she's not one to discuss it. She doesn't like confrontation. But I'm too much of a worrier to let it go. So I called her.

I was already beating myself up when the phone was ringing.

She answered, which was a good sign. When I mentioned I had asked her to be my friend on Facebook again, she questioned it, like she hadn't noticed. I'm not sure if it was a lie or not. She went on to say I sounded weird about it when I had mentioned it. Futher more, I went on to saying that we shouldn't worry about things, and that I just want to be her bud, I want things to go back to the way they were, and for us to work on not worrying about what the other thinks. I already knew I was digging myself a hole, because this sounded like a "relationship" conversation and she didn't want us to be in anything close to that. I asked her if she meant it when she said she wanted to see me later in the week. She said yes. But I have a feeling that will be canceled.

I took a walk around the building at work a couple times. I cried in the bathroom. I should have known better. This truly is my gift and my curse. I panicked when she's in my life and I'm miserable when she's not. I guess maybe it's just a curse.

It's funny how something as simple as a Facebook request or calling someone your best friend can change everything you had in mind. No matter how good the intentions. And by the way...still haven't been accepted as her friend on Facebook.

Here's a clip from "My Best Laid Plans" that fully illustrates how frustrating it can be when all you want is the best for those you love, but they just don't see it:

My Thoughts On Valentine's Day

Like I'm not the billionth person to talk about their opinions on this Hallmark holiday, it still seems necessary since I've deemed myself a hopeless romantic.

What would JD do on Valentine's Day?

Probably something zany with Turk, professing his guy love, and then at the end of the episode have a problem with one of the females in his life.

My Valentine's Day was not like that. With the exception of professing my guy love for the several Turks that I have. It's fun. I like hugs. JD likes hugs.

Here's the crazy part about all this V-Day business. Over the past couple years, the day has just kind of passed me by like any other day. I've almost forgotten that it was even there, despite the onslaught of red, pink, and white hearts, bears, and what-have-you. (I actually got pretty annoyed when I saw V-Day decorations up somewhere around January 19th. V-Day does NOT need to be a month long holiday. It ain't Halloween.)

Not to say that it wouldn't be nice to have someone special on V-Day, but for the past couple years, I haven't felt obligated to. It's because...well...Valentine's Day is fabricated. I tell people on a daily basis that I love them. Why should this day be any different? I certainly thought about my potential "one" today, but not more than any other day.

It's other special days that I still seem to have problems with, and I'm SO glad they've passed. Days like my birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years Eve. I actually love those holidays, but there is so much more meaning behind them that it's tough not to feel sad when you're single as they roll around. Even Halloween can be a little bit of a downer.

Wow, yeah, I sound like a putz. I try my best to enjoy those days, because that's what they're there for. To be thankful for all that you DO have, not to be focusing on what you don't. It can be hard though, when you've never had the birthday, Christmas, New Years, that you've wanted, and you see happy couples all around.

Whatever the case is, I'm just dandy this Valentine's Day. It has come and gone, I've made it through unscathed once more, and spring is just around the corner. And isn't spring all about love anyway? :)

I do have plenty of love. There's nothing like a good bromance in one's life. Here's an example:




Happy Valentine's Day to all the Bromances!!

-Spontaneous K

My On and Off Again Best Friend

There are some people you say you'd do anything for. And then there's some people you'd actually do anything for.

And there's never more than one of these people in your life at any given time. But when they're there...you find yourself doing crazy things that you won't find crazy. Because they're for that person.

Mine just came back into my life. (She's a girl, by the way. Usually these people are of the opposite sex. Unless you're a homosexual. Which is fine. It's the nature of the phenomenon I'm going for here.) And she brought up this notion while I was sitting in the ER with her.

The purpose of her ER visit really wasn't an emergency. She had scraped her ankle on a metal cart two days prior and her parents were insisting she go to the ER to get a tetanus shot. And she told me it was insanely nice for me to take her to the ER and sit with her, for something as little as that. I thought hard about that...because if I wanted to go to the ER for something as little as that...well, I'm not sure I would have found anyone to go with me. Except for maybe her.

She and I hadn't spoken for about two months and were very recently getting back into exchanging words. The cause of our silence?

Well...it's a long story. Let's just say this girl could be my Elliot. Or my Rachel. Or my Pam. The "One" that I'll end up with at the end of my series. I've made out with this girl before. Our emotional lines have been crossed. We're not sure where we stand. We just know that we connect on some insane level.

When we're both not being completely neurotic, anxiety-ridden, emotional twenty-somethings.

She was at home, by herself, car-less, when her parents freaked her out enough to consider the ER. And since we were texting a bit at the time, she texts me "Um...do you think you'd be interested in taking me to the ER?"

Of course, I was at her beck and call.

Normally, this would be fine, I'd take any friend to the ER. But this is what I mean when I say "do anything for." She really didn't need to go to the ER. I had just gotten my pupils dilated from the eye doctor, so I couldn't even see straight. Philadelphia just had the most wicked snowstorm, so I didn't even know if I could make it to her place.

But I went anyway.

And we've got to be the only people who have ever sat in the ER for three and a half hours, laughing, catching up, and having the time of our lives together. My heart stood still when she said the words, "I've missed you."

I had missed her too. And while this was dangerous territory we were stepping back into, I couldn't help but be reminded the message of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (if you haven't seen the movie, spoilers ahead, so be forewarned.)

Joel and Clementine fall in love, fall out of love, erase their memories so they can move on, meet again, fall in love again, discover they've had their memories erased because their relationship didn't work, but they decide to go ahead with the relationship again anyway...knowing it won't work.


Why do they do this? Because that connection, those memories, those times where it's just that amazing and cannot happen with anyone else...those are worth the terrible, painful emotions that often accompany such bliss.

As I dropped her off at home, she told me she had my Christmas present that she had been holding onto for me since we said goodbye. It was a framed picture of her and I for my new desk and my new job. So it would feel like home.

It will now.

I can't be sure what's going to happen in the future for us. Whether the friendship will be too hard to bear, whether it will work nice and easy, or whether we'll decide to take that leap into a full-blown relationship. I just know I'm willing to take the risk.

-Spontaneous K

My Gift and My Curse

Spider-man reference! I am a nerd, I know.

I am a hopeless romantic. And I loooooove being a hopeless romantic, even if it often fills my heart with pain. How masochistic. How romantic.

Hopeless, in and of itself, by definition means completely and utterly without hope. So it's redundant for me to say that maybe I'm too much of a hopeless romantic. What does being a hopeless romantic do for me? Well, it fuels my imagination and my passions, for one thing. It gives me a reason to write my stories, and it gives me a reason to live my life. It's an uninhibited endless search for all things beautiful and the ultimate sacrifice that is true love.

Yes, that does sound quite romantic, doesn't it?

Sure, those ideas get me all warm and fuzzy inside. They get the butterflies all riled up. The adrenaline pumps at the exciting thoughts and possibilities of having another human being with whom to share your life experiences. And not even just share, but share with passion and grace. We (hopeless romantics) yearn for that indescribable connection that makes us feel like we're whole.

But I suppose that would lead me into the curse part of my gift. We're already whole...so why do we feel like we're not?

When I started this blog, I did have a bit of a theme in mind when going for the voice over lessons that JD would give in Scrubs, but I didn't expect myself to keep going with the correlation and differences between television (or film) and life. Considering I'm a storyteller, that's just how I view the world, through the lens of a story. So I suppose it's natural my blog ended up being this way. Continuing on with that thought...every television show (well, most of them, but DEFINITELY sitcoms) all have their protagonist and that protagonist's "one."

You can tell is from the first episode usually. Doesn't matter how long it takes, we have no idea if the show is going to last one season or ten...but JD is going to end up with Elliot, no matter how many times they break up or how much bullshit they go through. Ross was going to end up with Rachel. Jim was going to end up with Pam. And even though we know this going in, we love to see couples get together. Why? Because we want that for ourselves. When they feel it, we feel it. That's why we get involved in stories in the first place.

Life, unfortunately, isn't as explicit when it comes to who is going to end up with who. Yes, people have love at first sight moments, but there isn't a situation in history where a bunch of people look at a man and a woman who meet for the first time and go "Shit, those two are going to end up together!"

Much like the characters in the show, though, we don't know with whom we're going to end up. I've THOUGHT after meeting some people that they were going to be my Elliot, Rachel, or Pam. But you can never be sure. And to some...to me...that's a frustrating notion. I know I'm young, but that requited love, that hopelessly romantic connection, hasn't happened for me yet, at least not for longer than a very brief period. And it makes me wonder if my curse is too...cursey.

My Internet Enemy actually became an internet friend, and we had a discussion on this topic. This was brought up because she's a Swagger Coach at www.e-swagger.com, so I thought she might have advice on my woman woes. When I wrote my post about roles in friendship, I didn't realize how close to the point I was. It's true, most people don't feel "whole". They need people, activities, experiences to make them feel alive and worthwhile. And while buddhist monks try to reach wholeness within themselves by months of solitude and meditation, and other religious folks fill themselves through whatever god they worship, those of us who aren't as spiritual or religious need some other means. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against any belief in a higher power. It's beautiful. It's romantic. And I believe in a higher power...not one of any religious texts, but I do. Unfortunately, it doesn't provide me with that wholeness. Maybe I'm not believing hard enough.

Excusing that tangent and getting back to my Frenemy and her point...she didn't tell me to stop looking for someone to fill that place in my heart, as most people in my life have suggested. She insisted that I stop looking for one person that's going to fill ALL my needs. Start understanding myself and what it is that I'm lacking in my life, make a list, and see if I can find a person who can fill one or two of those things. Find people to fill specific roles in your life. This isn't as systematic and artificial as it sounds...we all do it unconsciously. Everyone in our lives is there for a reason, whether we acknowledge it or not. We all get something out of those in our lives. And until we can find someone who does have all those qualities we're looking for, we can singular ones in many different people.

They're called friends.

I've got quite a few good ones of those. So maybe I'm a lot more gifted than I am cursed. Maybe that means I really shouldn't worry about the "ones" that haven't worked.

-Spontaneous K

My First Internet Enemy

All this talk about a new cast...it wouldn't be complete without an enemy. I can't be for sure if she's a character that's going to stick around or not, but at the moment, she's firing at me.

I just joined a network called 20 Something Bloggers. It's just what it sounds like. It's an online community of 20-somethings who all have something they want to say, and have the right to say. So there's no reason why this girl, her name is Katie, shouldn't strike me down for what I've written in my about me page.

She apparently didn't like that I was envious of all of JD's girlfriend's on scrubs. And based on that, she automatically assumed that I was not spontaneous. I may or may not be truly Spontaneous...it was a nickname that a great friend of mine dubbed me a couple years ago, it stuck, and I really liked it. So, for the sake of a little bit of anonymity, I chose to use that as my pseudonym.

I wrote a piece not long ago, a note, that I posted to facebook. The subject was about artists and why we do what we do. It was also about perception, and taking the rejections with as much grace as you take the praise.

I didn't start this blog to make enemies. I didn't join 20 something bloggers to make enemies. I did it for the exact opposite...to make friends! Nothing that I've written was intended to offend anyone. But, you can never predict quite how someone is going to react.





And sometimes I shouldn't take things at face value. She just revealed she was kidding. Oops. I guess I can save the "My First Internet Enemy" title for later. :)

-Spontaneous K

My Old Cast

Scrubs is in it's ninth season. Naturally, because of its lengthy circuit through prime time, it's about time to switch up the cast.

When it comes to television series with characters that viewers have grown to love, it's a very difficult thing to watch them go and transition into seeing new characters face new problems in the same hospital, office, grocery store, what have you. Often times, the show itself flops shortly after the onslaught of a new cast.

Life, fortunately, isn't that way.

The good news is, I'm actually enjoying the new cast of Scrubs, and I find myself laughing out loud and hoping for the best for these characters (with the exception of Lucy Bennet. I really think they could have chosen a better replacemen for JD). And while it took some time for me to get used to the idea that JD, Elliot, Carla, Jordan, and even The Janitor, are no longer present, the new characters have gracefully filled their empty positions.

In my two previous posts, I spoke about new people who have recent popped into my life. Tim, a fellow co-worker with whom I had drinks and a wonderful time. Tara, the lovely accounting major with whom I shared coffee and a coincidental three hour conversation. And Jess and Josie, my soon to be new roommates.

I feel as though this is the first episode in my new season. Last season, I lost a few characters. People I loved dearly, and for reasons outside of my control, they are no longer in my life. It doesn't mean I don't miss them, because I do, very much so. But as I spoke of roles, and now appropriately speak of casts, I'm curious to follow the stories of these four, and how they fit into my story. Perhaps in a few episodes, I won't miss my old cast so much, because my new cast will have gathered the attention of my heart, and I'll be having adventures that I thought I could only have with my old cast.

I don't want to say that nothing is as good as the original. That may be true in the TV/Film world, but in life, the new people we meet can most definitely affect us in ways we'd never expect. It's never too late in life to meet your new best friend, your new arch enemy...or the one you're supposed to be with for the rest of your life (even if you already thought you met that person).

In that regard, the people who are no longer a part of my life, by their choice or choices outside of their control, I will always hold a special place in my heart for them. But I'm prepared to make a little bit more room in there for a potentially amazing new set of characters.

Stay tuned.

-Spontaneous K

My Small World

It's things like this that make me believe a little bit in Fate.

Humans are pre-programmed to make connections. It's the reason we believe in superstitions. Something very bad once happened to someone who walked under a ladder...or broke a mirror...or had a black cat cross his path. And back when magic was something to be believed in, these connections made sense.

So when coincidences like the one that happened to me this afternoon occur, it's no wonder we feel like there is something greater at work.

On this snowy Wednesday (oh my, have we had a lot of snow this season in Philadelphia), I was told not to come into work, so I decided to take advantage of the day to get some writing done. My local Starbucks was not open, so I opted for Cosi. It seemed most places weren't open because Cosi was PACKED.

Before waiting in line to order, I decided to would snag a table with an outlet by placing my laptop bag and coat there. It was the last one, although it was two tables put together, so it had four seats. Just as I placed my stuff down, a girl asked me very politely if she could sit with me, since she also needed an outlet and the place was packed.

How could I say no?

As I'm on the search for new friends, I decided to take advantage of this opportunity to chat with this girl. She, fortunately, was very open to chatting with me. And we chatted for a long while, discovering that we both had very similar interests. It just seemed to click. There weren't any romantic sparks or anything, at least not on my end, but the conversation was extremely fulfilling. And I've been trying to teach myself, especially when meeting women, that just because this person doesn't feel like they're "the one", doesn't mean that they're not, or that they don't have something amazing to offer me. They might even know "the one!"

Her name was Tara, and it turned out Tara and I had many more connections that we expected to. She goes to Temple...that's where I graduated. Okay, not too crazy, there are tons of people that go to Temple. She's Jewish. Also not so crazy. But when we started to talk about friends, family, and living situation, that's where things got strange.

I told Tara that at the end of the month I was moving into an apartment with two Temple Seniors. She asked who they were...I said I didn't even know their last names, I just know they are Jess and Josie.

That was all the info she needed. "Oh! I love Jess and Josie!"

She knew exactly who I was talking about. Even more coincidentally, when I had found their listing for the room on Craigslist, I didn't know that I had already been to their apartment. Their former roommate was a girl I was friends with in college. I didn't even have to see the place, I knew I loved it. Tara even knew their former roommate as well.

Tara also lives half a block from where I'm living right now.

How had we not met?

Even further, as I was talking about my family and what my brother does for a living, I mentioned that he recently got a job doing promotions at a club called Dusk in Atlantic City. Tara goes, "Oh wow, my Uncle owns Dusk."

If you think about it, every single moment in both our entire lives, every decision we've ever made, led us to sit down at that table at the same time. We were connected and we didn't even know it. So maybe Fate was playing a little part. As with my new friend whom I had drinks with last night, I can't be sure what role Tara has to play in my life, or what role I have to play in hers...but it was a nice little surprise. A nice step in a new direction.

You never know where a snowstorm might lead you. :)

-Spontaneous K

My Role as Friend

Times have been rough. I won't go particularly into detail about what's happened to me in the past seven weeks, but they've been seven of the hardest in my life. That's not to say that good things haven't happened to me. I've got a great new job, I'm moving into a new place shortly. Good things! But with the coming of new things...some old things must go.

Friends are fickle creatures, even if we believe them not to be. One true calamity can often reveal who is your friend and who isn't. It's not always who you think it is. When tragedy strikes, that's when you'll discover who understands and who doesn't. You'll find out who is really willing to stay by your side while you get through it all. And sometimes the people you want to stick around the most...and thought most definitely would...are the people who have just about had enough.

While talking with my friend Edward regarding my friendships and my personality type, he mentioned that he could truly only handle one "Spontaneous." Laughing, he mentioned how other people have come into his life with personalities like mine, and he would say to himself, "Sorry, but I've already got a friend like that."

I didn't take offense. I was glad! He's one of my best friends. But I understood that even though I have a lot to bring to the table in terms of good qualities, I can be a little overbearing. He thought about that himself...how perhaps since he can be loud and obnoxious (in that endearing way) that when people meet him, they often decide to have nothing to do with him, because they already have that loud and obnoxious friend. Likewise, when I meet people, sometimes they've already got that overbearing friend that they have to hoist up and care for more often than not.

Being that person is something I'm working on changing. But it made me realize that we choose our friends for a reason. Every person that we pick to be in our life fills a different role, a different need that we have. It's not selfish. It's not even conscious. It's just how it is.

Tonight, after speaking with Edward, I was headed out to have drinks with a guy at work, a guy I barely knew. I was a little down, because a girl I'm interested in had turned down the invite to join us. But as I thought more about the situation, it occurred to me that perhaps she canceled for a reason. Perhaps I needed to have a one on one with this guy. I thought to myself, "Who knows where this could lead. Maybe he's got a role to fill in my life."

The possibility of that excited me. I hadn't been excited to go out and have a genuine conversation with a new guy in a while.

It ended up being great. And while it may just be a budding friendship now, it could be an amazing friendship later. It's always sad to see friends leave, especially when you feel as though you could have done something to make it right...but you never know if it's just the world opening the door for the next person to enter your life.

-Spontaneous K

My First Post

Scrubs is my favorite television show. Why? Perhaps because I wish that life could be like that in some way. I know it's not like that, but I suppose that's the reason we watch television, or movies, or become immersed in any particular art form to begin with. It's because it removes us from what really is.

I've been told that my personality is very close to Zach Braff's character, the protagonist of Scrubs, Dr. JD Dorian. And I appreciate that. Because JD just wants to have fun and pursue his lifetime goal, but along the way he takes the time to be serious when needed. He allows himself to learn the lesson at hand. And since it's a half-hour sitcom, there is always a lesson to be learned.

If you've never seen Scrubs, JD bookends the show with a voice over. At the beginning, he foreshadows what the lesson of this episode may be, and at the end, he summarizes what's been learned.

At the end of my day, I often find myself doing the same thing. Alas, here I am, providing the world with my inner voice, my lessons learned.

And in honor of Scrubs' episode naming convention, with every one being "My..." something or other, my blog has been named "My Own Voice Over."

Thanks Scrubs. :) I hope everyone enjoys.

-Spontaneous K