Awareness is Awesome

In my last post, Putting the "Spontaneous" in Spontaneous K , I talked a little bit about
getting
something out of another person without being dishonest or "having an agenda." I told you,
yes,
there is a way, but that they have to want to give it to you .


This morning, I was on the receiving end of my own exercise, and being aware of my thought
process and the situation made it THAT much more interesting.


I was standing in line at McDonald's, and when it was my turn to order, I politely asked for a
Sausage, Egg, and Cheese McGriddle with a Hashbrown (don't judge me, they're delectable).
What happened next was rather astounding. The cashier, equally as politely, asked me "You
don't want anything to drink with that?"


I take out my wallet, and without really thinking, I say, "Nah, I'm okay." I say this because I'm
trying to save money and I'm just going to go upstairs to my office and get water/coffee for free
anyway. She then follows up with, "Coffee? Orange Juice? Nothin?"


That's when it hit me. Orange Juice. Orange Juice sounds really good. And I am kind of thirsty.
I said to her, "Alright, you've sold me. I'll take the orange juice."


This sounds inconsequential, but it's really quite profound. The cashier literally had no reason
to upsell me. She doesn't see a profit from selling orange juice or coffee, and I'm positive she
doesn't give a shit about the sales record of the McDonald's in suburban station. I've worked in
food retail. It's a pain in the ass. And customers can tell when you're trying to sell them some
shit or if you're just looking our for them. This lady genuinely wanted to make sure I wasn't
thirsty while I was eating a bunch of salty crap, and she figured for 79 cents more, 79 cents I
could most likely spare, I wouldn't be. And here's the kicker...


...the only reason I bought the orange juice is because I wanted it. I just didn't know that I
wanted it. I had hypnotized myself or disregarded the idea of wanting something to drink, so
I overlooked it, but deep down, I actually wanted that orange juice. I just need to be reminded
or convinced that I wanted it. That's the beauty of being genuine. You're helping others realize
what it is they already wanted. And if you want the same thing, that's fantastic.


The cashier wanted me to have the orange juice...I wanted to have the orange juice. Win-win.


Two nights ago, I wanted Francesca to be spontaneous and come out with me for a drink.
Before she even knew I existed, deep down, even if she didn't realize she wanted it, she
wanted something interesting to do other than her law homework. She wanted to go out and
meet a potentially awesome guy. Since she already wanted it, the convincing wasn't so
difficult.


However. If someone does not want something, no amount of convincing is going to change
their mind. They either want it, or they don't. People almost ALWAYS know EXACTLY what
they DON'T want.


But it's interesting how often we don't even realize what we do want. :)


-Spontaneous K

Putting the "Spontaneous" in Spontaneous K

It's true, anything can happen at anytime. That's the nature of the universe. However, if you're a nine to five-er like me, your days, even your weekends, tend to be rather predictable. Most people stick with what they know, the activities and people they enjoy, and that often limits the types of experiences they are likely to encounter.

Lately I've had a string of unpredictable occurrences, courtesy of our universe, (like OAOA's sister being struck by a vehicle, or a girl's horrid case of pink-eye) that have hindered instead of helped whatever progress I've been trying to make with the opposite sex. Which is fine. At first, I protested. Now, I welcome them as learning opportunities in managing expectations.

And in response to those unavoidable, unexpected occurrences that can ruin plans, I created "The Spontaneity Project". If I wanted a relationship, I couldn't sit around and wait for the universe to hand me the right woman. I had to step waaaaay out of my comfort zone and go get her.

So far, I've seen great minor successes in The Spontaneity Project. I've uncovered a stark, and startling, truth: People are actually really easy to talk to.

That is, if you don't have an agenda. Women specifically can pick up rather instantly if a guy is trying to, well, pick them up. And people in general can tell if someone is trying to get something from them. However, if your agenda is in their favor, say, simply to make them smile or spice up their day, they're much more likely to be engaging.

I'm a pretty readable person. I wear my heart on my sleeve, I'm a terrible liar, and therefore, everyone can tell where I'm coming from. But by changing my goal from "making a new friend for me" or "getting a date out of this girl for me" to "I just want to give (key word) this person someone to talk to", the whole dynamic changes. Most people really like it when honest people just want to talk to them and find out about them! People like it when they are considered interesting by another human being who isn't trying to get something out of them.

With this attitude in mind, people have even started to talk to me first instead of me having to initiate. Which is further proving the point to me that when you change your actions, your whole world changes.

Now, is it possible to get something out of someone without "having an agenda" or being dishonest? Yes. They just have to want to give it to you. Which brings me back to the beginning of this post...

...last night I was not only successful in being completely spontaneous myself, but I was successful in helping another person be completely spontaneous.

I'm on okCupid, the free online dating service. After work and the gym, I came home, logged on, and decided to see if I could find someone new and interesting. And I did! Her name was Francesca, and I sent her a brief message that caught her attention and prompted her to begin chatting with me.

From the moment we started chatting, I was on my A-game. I don't know where it came from, but my witty banter had her laughing and intrigued, and about fifteen minutes into the conversation, I said to her "Hey, I've got an idea."

"What's that?" she replies.

"How about we both drop whatever it is we were going to do tonight and go get a beer or glass of wine on this gorgeous fall evening?"

Mind you she's a first year law student and has a shit-ton of studying to do for finals. She gave me the bait, "I want to, but you're going to have to persuade me."

She gave me the okay. She wanted to be spontaneous. She wanted to do something fun and exciting, and she wanted the push from me. So I gave it to her. Five more minutes of convincing and she still wasn't sure, but she was on the edge. Alas, I pulled out the big guns. I said: "Here's what I have to do. My phone number is 215-XXX-XXXX. I'm getting in the shower right now, and I'll be in Rittenhouse Square at 8pm. Hope to see you there."

I got a text from her a moment later saying "You are utterly infuriating!" I laughed, because I had won. In twenty minutes, I had a girl who had never spoken to me before and was sitting in yoga pants with her cat, knitting and studying law, to hop in the shower and come meet me for a date.

She arrived in Rittenhouse promptly at 8pm. We had an awesome date. I hadn't had a victory that flawless since OAOA.

I know now, though, how to manage expectations and not only simply enjoy the time I had with Francesca, but know that if that's all the time I get, there will be plenty more good times ahead.

If I continue to be spontaneous. :)

-Spontaneous K

My Strange Dreams

Note to self: Do not eat greasy foods prior to going to sleep. Morning heart burn is not fun.

 

This is the second time in maybe three weeks where I've had heartburn, and I've never had heartburn before in my life. Shit lasts like four hours too. New ailments always add to the already overwhelming notion that I'm "getting older." Bah. I'm in my prime, damnit! (As I throw my back out).

 

A quick update to my assignment of talking to strangers and stepping out of my comfort zone before I get into the topic of today's post.

 

Actually, after writing that sentence, I realized a shorter name for it would be helpful. Alas, I dub it: The Spontaneity Project

 

I missed a couple days in there because I wasn't feeling so fantastic. Which technically means I'm back to Day 1. And I'm okay with that, because I'm having fun with the assignment. Yesterday, once again back in the cafeteria at work, I recognized a girl who I believed either went to high school or college with me. I couldn't remember. But that didn't matter! Because I went to talk to her anyway. It turned out she went to college with me, studied in the broadcasting department, and we spent a little time trying to figure out exactly where we'd crossed paths. After that, we discussed what we've been doing since college, and I'm fairly certain I got a couple minutes of conversing in there. It didn't lead to anything...no phone numbers, no lunches, but once again, that's okay. The whole point was to just talk to people. I asked Edward later if that counted...since technically I sorta-kinda-but-not-really knew the girl before hand, even though I'd never had a conversation with her before in my life. Edward said it counts. So if he says it counts, it counts! I realize, however, that I'd still like to challenge myself to more unknown peoples. The future has much to behold.

 

Anyways, onward! Dreams. They're strange, right? You've had 'em. We've all had 'em. Some of you dream in color, some of you don't. Some of you only dream in images, some of you only dream in sounds. Some of you lucidly dream (as do I), that is, you know that you're dreaming and can control the dreamscape around you. Those are awesome. Some of you claim you don't dream at all, but that's poppycock, you just stink at remembering them.

 

Dreams have enamored and mystified people since the beginning of time. They are thought to be omens, or your subconscious letting you know what you need to take care of. They are thought to be means to contact those who have passed on from another world. What do I think dreams to be?

 

An adventure in sleeping!

 

I'll tell you why, because I can't think that shit up anymore while I'm conscious. I could when I was a child. I could think up things that, were I to think of them as an adult, you'd think I had problems. But I was allowed to think those things, because I was a child! This vivid imagination of mine accounted for my wanting to write. I wanted the worlds I saw in my head to be real. As I got older, though, real life bullshit took over my brain and my imagination has been halted. Fortunately...

 

This is not the case in dream world.

 

I'm thinking of starting a dream journal, because seriously, I'll often be in the middle of a dream and think, "This would make a great story!" Then I'll wake up and not write it down, and say to myself "God damnit, K, you forgot it!"

 

The other night I had a dream where I was on a multi-tier stage in front of a large crowd, and somehow I had gotten a hold of a microphone and started belting "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga. And I sounded goooooood. I was dancing, and the crowd got into it, and then all of a sudden, I'm dancing and singing along WITH Lady Gaga...very closely. I don't even find Lady Gaga attractive (for LOTS of reasons) but all was good in the dream! Anyway, I never would've thought that situation up while awake and staring at my database here at work. Not exactly an atmosphere conducive for honing your imagination.

 

Last night I had a dream that I remembered so well that I actually did want to write a story about it. I found myself back in time. I don't know how I got there, but I knew I was back in time, that I was younger, however I still remembered everything that was going to happen in the future. I was surrounded by all the people I used to be friends with before life and drama happened, and I found myself warning everyone of who they would become and what would become of us, and what we could do to stop it. Nobody believed I was from the future and that what I was saying was true.

 

It was such a profound dream, one most likely about my wanting to change what has already happened and not being able to come to terms with it. What's great about it is that my brain told it to me in such an interesting way that I now want to develop it into something more concrete, so I can share the lesson with the world.

 

Hence why I should start a dream journal. :) What about you guys? What are your dreams like? And dream journalers out there? Hey! Maybe I'll start a DREAM BLOG! Oooh, that's fun. The cogs are turning. :)

 

-Spontaneous K

[Guest Post] The Best Thing About Being a Blogger

ATTENTION [My Own Voice Over] READERS! THIS IS A BLOG SWAP! I PRESENT TO YOU YOUR HOST TODAY: GINGERELLA! Please check out her blog at http://gingerellaj.blogspot.com/

 

Blogging's not for everyone right?

Wrong.

And I'll tell you why. Because blogging has got to be one of the most uplifting, smile-instigating, laughter-inducing, tear-jurking, real-world-escaping, and heart-wrenching acitivies I have ever had the chance to encounter and partake in. And it must have one of the most friendly and accepting communities going!
I'm not sure I could pick just one thing about blogging that I love:

 

• the excitement while waiting to fire up my Google reader
• peeking into people's lives and sharing in what they have chosen to share with me
• taking the time to offer my congratulations, sympathies and words of advice without desiring a single thing in return having favourites!
• when blogging crosses my mind quite a few times a day
• that blogging has become one the main reasons I use (and sometimes feel I need) the internet!
• finding new friends I would never have had the chance to know otherwise
• friends I've made from across the other side of the world and on my doorstep

I think people often get the wrong idea that blogging is egocentric and selfish but to me, blogging wouldn't be the same without the interaction; the reason I started blogging in the first place. It has given me so many chances to do things that, albeit not astonishing, have spiced up my life, including; 

 

• blog swapping and meeting lovely Spontaneous K! Even if it does mean you have to put up with my dribble when what you wanted, and were really expecting today, was Phildelphia's answer to JD!
• my first blogger meet-up! I'd resigned myself to probably never attending one. But later this month I get to meet up some bloggers from my local blogging community. I'm excited but also quite nervous, but it's still cool!
• sharing things with you, e.g. my photography, that I might not otherwise share with plenty of 'friends' in my life

But that's not all, folks! The icing on the cake is even after a year, my blogging journey has only just begun. There's still so much I want to do; more blog swapping, vlogs, meet-ups, giveaways, question times, to announce milestones in my life like if when I get my doctoral degree, get engaged, married, have children, become a grandma! I'm in it for the long haul, I'm not going anywhere...

...whether blogging knows it or not, or even likes it, I think we just made a pinky promise?!

 

 

Day 1: Knocking Down The Walls

Edward was right. When I don't want to do something, I put up walls. And then I wonder why nothing ever changes. But something is changing now. Because I'm choosing to notice the walls I'm putting up, and I'm choosing to tear them down.

 

I'm going to consider yesterday Day Zero. I could've gotten my requisite couple minutes of conversing time with the opposite sex in, but I wasn't quite sure where to begin. It was a beautiful evening, I cleaned myself up, and I walked out into the city...

 

I had no clue where I was going.

 

I walked around the block...and then another block...trying to find somewhere to go, somewhere to walk into where it wouldn't seem apparent that the only reason I'm out right now is to find some woman to talk to. I didn't want to go into a coffee shop or a pizza place or anything like that because then I'd have to buy something and end up with food I didn't want, much like sushi incident.

 

I felt like a shark. I realized that no matter where I went, I wasn't confident in myself enough to pretend like I was there for another reason. It would be written all over my face that I'm approaching someone specifically. This wasn't natural.

 

So I went home and said to myself, "Ok. At least you went out with the intention. Tomorrow, you begin."

 

I woke up in a shitty mood. I had trouble getting out of bed, and I was late to work. Thoughts bombarded me...thoughts about Kate, thoughts about OAOA, thoughts about Firefly, thoughts about what the hell I have to go through in order to feel better, thoughts of not wanting to. Boom, those were my walls. I could see them, but they were making me feel a certain way that was difficult to pull myself out of. I knew I had to take action, but I was afraid. I was always skeptical when I was told that people stay miserable because it's comfortable. Why would anyone do that? Feeling miserable blows! Well, I'm finding out that it's because feeling miserable is actually what we're used to, and feeling the terror of going outside your comfort zone is worse than the misery. So we stick with the misery.

 

I knew, though, that if I pushed through...there wasn't anything to be afraid of. The only thing I was afraid of was myself. Not the girls, not the rejection or possible humiliation, but my own judgment, my own feelings of worthlessness and failure that I bestow upon myself in those situations. It's up to me to realize that I make myself feel the way I do, not them.

 

Having been late to work, I didn't have time to stop at Dunkin Donuts to get my waffle sandwich like I usually do. Instead, I went up to the cafeteria about an hour into work to get some breakfast. This seemed like a perfect opportunity for me to interact. I'm there getting breakfast. No harm done. Just talk to someone!

 

As I was paying for my food, I noticed the attractive woman behind me had a bagel. I like bagels. First thought that jumped into my head: "Ask her if the bagels are any good."

 

I didn't get a chance to ask while in line. So, I waited at the silverware/napkin stand, meandering around for a moment, for her to come over. When she did, I asked her the question. She responded with a short smile, "Yeah, they're pretty good..."

 

...and she practically RAN off.

 

Damn. That was, like, two seconds. I have a long way to go.

 

I was going the same way as her, so eventually we ended up in the elevator, just the two of us. I'm considering once more how to start up a conversation, considering this was a great opportunity, but my mind was going blank. She seemed so short with me that I didn't want to bother her.

 

The elevator DINGED. It was neither of our floors. A sweet older woman in her fifties entered the elevator, saying hi to both of us, despite not knowing who we were. I thought to myself, "Fine. I'll talk to her. She's willing to put herself out there."

 

We had maybe thirty seconds of conversation about how she just got back into town and missed the hot weather, but accidentally left the heat on in her place, and that's when I noticed something interesting. The older woman was talking to both of us, me and the woman my age...but the woman my age who had snubbed me earlier was equally as uninterested in talking to the older woman as she was with me. When the elevator doors opened, the younger woman went back to her rush and darted off the elevator.

 

So what's so interesting about that? I took it personally at first, but I didn't have to. Because something else was going on in this woman's life, and she wasn't interested in talking to anyone.

 

What a great lesson on my first day. Not to take things personally, because I never know what's going through the other person's mind. She could have been in trouble at work, late, ill, whatever. Anything. It had nothing to do with my bagel question.

 

After wishing the older women a nice weekend, I was feeling pretty darn good. I didn't know if that counted or not, since she's not in my age range, but I told myself I wouldn't normally talk to her, so sure, it counts! The point is to step out of my comfort zone. What was even more amazing was that even though I had gotten about a couple minutes of conversing in, I didn't want to stop. I felt energized. I wanted to keep talking to people!

 

So I did!

 

When I got back down to my floor, I went straight to the kitchen to heat up my breakfast and make some coffee. I talked to three different guys in there, one I'd spoken to briefly in the past, and two I'd never spoken to in my life. All were very friendly. And we talked about nothing in particular. I asked the one if he had ever gotten breakfast upstairs and he got really passionate about how good their oatmeal is. I talked to the other about how happy I am that it's Friday. And all I said to the third, was "I'm excited about this," as I walked away with my hot food and coffee. He genuinely laughed and returned with "Great way to start the day."

 

While I'm going to keep my focus on talking to women in my age group, because that's my ultimate challenge, I'm going to also talk to people in general. I felt a rush after it was all done, because I was taking action and making change. I could do it.

 

And all those negative emotions I woke up with simply dissolved.

 

I'd say this is an excellent first day. And tonight I'm headed to a beef and beer charity event where I will know NO ONE. A great learning opportunity.

 

-Spontaneous K

 

 

My New Name Is Michael

I had a not so strange feeling of deja vu on Tuesday when Kate canceled on me due to pink eye. It was the same feeling I felt a few weeks prior when I had this incredibly awesome day with OAOA planned and then her sister was unfortunately struck by a vehicle while riding her bike. In my brain, I stood there shaking my fist at the universe, screaming on the inside "This isn't FAIR!"

 

And why is it not?

 

I wanted to protest. I felt myself slipping back into that negative pattern of "Fuck you world. If I can't do what I want, then I won't do anything."

 

But I wasn't going to let myself do it again. I realized very quickly what was happening, and a friend even decided to bring it to my attention as well by responding to my childish facebook status sarcastically thanking the universe for not cutting me a break. My friend wrote "The universe is probably writing on its wall write now about how K has unreasonable expectations of it."

 

Touche.

 

He was right. I was angry because what I wanted to happen didn't happen. For 24 hours, I ran through the possibility of an awesome date with this girl, leading into an awesome honeymoon phase of a relationship, and then into a serious, full-blown couple. I had weeks to months of our future already planned. And when the date didn't happen, the whole thing came crashing down as an impossibility. It wasn't just a date I was losing, it was a whole future! No wonder I was so distraught!

 

So...Lesson #1 from this experience: Managing expectations. Eliminating outcome based thinking. Focus on the task at hand and what's right in front of me instead of unreasonable futures. That way, not only is "failure" less likely, but so is disappointment.

 

I label it #1, because I learned a few things through this, things I probably could have learned when I went through this with OAOA. But sometimes you need to make a mistake more than once before it finally hits you.

 

Lesson #2: Stop waiting for the universe to provide me with what I want. Another reason I got so upset when the date didn't work out is because I didn't know when I'd get another date, and when I did, I'd have to start all over from the beginning again. That's always frustrating and scary. For most of my life, I've sat around waiting for the universe to provide me with the perfect circumstance to meet a woman. I've been waiting for that serendipitous moment where we're placed at the same place at the same time and I have just the right thing to say that is going to spark the greatest relationship of my life. I've been waiting for that house party where I'm comfortable enough to talk to someone, that friend to introduce me to someone, the job that's going to allow me to work with the right girl...

 

I've always HATED it when people have told me "Stop looking for it. It will come when you least expect it."

 

I'm almost convinced at this point that it's bullshit. That moment isn't coming. The universe isn't going to give me anything. If I want it, I have to do what other successful people do when they wanted something. I have to GO OUT AND GET IT. That means stepping out of my little comfort bubble and exposing myself to failures and rejections.

 

At first, I told myself I was going to ask out one girl every single day. I would put myself out there, find a random girl I was attracted to, and push myself to ask her out. Eventually, I wouldn't fear doing it, it would feel natural, and not only would I learn how to talk with women, but I wouldn't worry so much if I got turned down, because I know exactly when the next opportunity is coming. Whenever I choose it.

 

However, after I walked in and out of my apartment three times and into the sushi place below and bought some sushi that I didn't even want in order to psych myself up to talk to a pretty girl sitting by herself...I realized maybe I was aiming too high too quickly. Asking out a girl every single day is a high order.

 

I consulted with my friend Edward, my former roommate from Los Angeles and someone I trust with all my heart. He's the closest thing to a pick up artist that I know. He can pick up a woman any day of the week and be making out with her within hours. I've seen him do it, and it's pretty ridiculous. He's been wanting to show me how to be more comfortable in my own skin for years now, but I've been too afraid to step out of my bubble. Now, though, I felt like I was finally ready for his advice.

 

He told me that for my first assignment, I have to talk to one girl for a couple minutes every day for 21 days straight. If I miss a day, I have to start over from day one. I have to do it for 21 days in a row for it to become a habit. So I agreed. He also told me to change my name, as I'm transforming myself and I need to put my old name behind me, since there are negative connotations attached to it. I wasn't so sure about changing my name. I didn't even know what to change it to. I told him that on my blog, I call myself "Spontaneous K"...and maybe "K" would be a really cool way to introduce myself to women. He disagreed and told me to go with Michael, my middle name. I argued with him, telling him that I thought "K" was better.

 

He responded with "This is why I'll never be able to work with you. You put up walls when there's something you don't want to do."

 

He was right. And I realized it immediately. This wasn't the first time I've done this either. So I said to him: "You're right. I'll go with Michael. I trust you."

 

He was excited. I was excited. I'm going to document each day here on my blog, and also give Edward a written summary of what I did and said so he can evaluate and I can learn. I'm ready to do something different so I can finally be different.

 

Lesson #3: Eliminate the word "should" from my vocabulary. I actually suggest that everyone do this. The word "should" creates not only a feeling of pressure and guilt, but it creates an unnecessary dichotomy in the mind, where whatever you should have done or should be doing is the only "right" thing, and ever other option is completely wrong. This creates instantaneous failure. And rarely is the world so cut and dry. Rarely is there one "right" thing to do. It's better to ask yourself? "What would I like to do? What's the respectful thing to do? What's the compassionate thing to do? How would the other person feel about this?"

 

Should will only get me into trouble, and HAS gotten me into trouble. Like "Kate shouldn't have gotten pink eye. We should have gone on this date." or "OAOA's sister shouldn't have been hit by that car. I should've gotten to see OAOA." By saying those things, I'm making every other scenario a complete disaster. That's no way to think.

 

So...I'm going to think differently. As Michael. And you'll see my progress here.

 

-K

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I swear to god the universe hates me.

Kate canceled due to an acute case of Pink Eye which has kept her home from work all day. No sign of rescheduling.

Just...fuck.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Over-Analyzation and A Pastry Chef - The Possible Start of Something New

I'm alright. Yesterday's post was a little dramatic and panicky, but I'm alright. I took a break while I was at work to give Katie a call so I could explain my crisis to a friend, and she told me, in so many words: "Dude, you can't think about all that stuff."

 

She's right. Mostly because the questions to which I'm seeking answers either a.) don't have answers, or b.) the answers are whatever I want them to be.

 

That's a shit-ton of a pressure for someone who isn't ready to have those questions answered. So Katie's simple solution was "Accept that you don't have the answers, and don't worry about it. I mean, sure, you might want to try and be more aware of what you're like when you're meeting new people or something like that, but thinking about what you look like when you're eating soup? That's too much."

 

That sounds out of context, but it's not. I had a moment at Passover dinner the other night where I was eating soup and I suddenly became extraordinarily self-aware and thought to myself "What am I doing right now? Without even thinking, I'm taking a spoon and lifting hot liquid into my mouth and swallowing it into my stomach so I can not be hungry. That's kind of weird."

 

Yes, I agree, it's too much to be thinking about.

 

Alas, I continued about my day as happily as I could. I went to the gym, I felt great, I developed ideas for how to continue my screenplay, the weather was gorgeous, so I tried my very best to just...be.

 

And then I got one of those phone calls that changes your whole day...possibly even your whole life...yet you don't realize it until much later.

 

On the way home from work, I got a phone call from my friend Richie. I hadn't talked to him in a while, something that I felt bad about, and I thought he may think I didn't want to be friends, so I was happy to see him calling me. When I answered, he sounded quite happy, which was great. After asking me how I was, he proceeded with "So, you want to hear something crazy?"

 

"Always," was my response. He continued on to warn me that this was really crazy, and while I couldn't imagine how crazy it could possibly be, I was ready for it. However, right before I gave him a chance to tell me, the craziest thing I could think of popped into my brain. And my intuition was right. "You're getting married."

 

"Yup!"

 

I freaked out on the street, in a happy way of course. Richie is someone I've known since I was 13, and we've both had some really shitty women problems. I thought he and the girl he had been dating had only been together for about 6 months, but it was coming up on a year. So, when he told me that he was getting married, I was ecstatic. What made me even more happy is that despite all the "woe is me" that I do, especially when I find that others are in serious relationships (i.e. my twin sister), I was truly, genuinely happy for Richie. There wasn't a tinge of jealousy. I couldn't get over how amazing that was for him, because I know he's struggled like I have.

 

Here's the kicker. The girl he's marrying he met on okCupid, a free online dating website. I've been on eHarmony...paying...for 10 months now with obviously no luck. Prior to that, I've tried them all...Match.com, JDate, Plentyoffish, you name it, I've tried it. And PAID for it. One of the reasons I avoided the free sites was because there were a lot of spammers, scammers, and people who weren't really serious about looking for someone. Richie's story, however, made me think twice about okCupid, and he said to me with as much conviction as he could "Kev, get off eHarms and get on okCupid."

 

So I did. And I ended up having an hour long conversation with a gorgeous 27-year old pastry chef named Kate who lives eight blocks away from me and has a predilection toward Jewish boys. We have a date tonight. And I hardly slept because I was so excited. I was excited because it was...easy. We started talking, and it just didn't stop. It felt right. And for the first time, I wasn't thinking to myself "That was too easy, something's going to go wrong," or "That was too easy, there's gotta be a catch," I was thinking "That was really easy, the way that it should be. And I deserve this."

 

I'll let you all know how it goes. :)

 

-Spontaneous K

My Existential Crisis

Remember when I saw that existential crisis approaching and I had that JD-esque fantasy of my brain ejecting itself from my skull to avoid said oncoming crisis?

 

Yeah, well, unfortunately my brain did not eject itself and I'm currently there...in crisis mode.

 

By nature, I am curious. I question the world around me, I like to figure out how things work so I can understand them better. I just want to understand. However, the older I get and the more complicated life becomes, not only do the questions pile on exponentially but their answers become more and more vague. I'm discovering that the more you understand, the more there actually is to understand. You answer one question only to unearth fifteen more, each just as mind-boggling as the one you just answered (that is, if you truly trust that you've answered it in the first place).

 

I have questions. A lot of them.

 

Who am I? How did I get where I am? Where am I going? What am I supposed to be doing? Am I supposed to be doing anything? What is my purpose? Does anybody have a purpose? Is this the way that life should be? Should life be any specific way? Can I change? What can I change into? 

 

I've asked myself these questions before, but this post-OAOA reflection brought about by several friends pointing at me and asking "Who are you without someone?" and me being unable to answer it has catapulted my thoughts into an ocean of uncertainty.

 

Does this happen to everyone? Is this normal for my age? Is it happening to me early? Is this happening to me too late? Where do I stand in comparison to everyone else? What does it mean to be happy? What am I searching for? Is it outside of me or inside of me?

 

What the fuck is going on?

 

I look back at my life and feel like I've lived about seven different lives. What happened to those? How did those add up to where I am and who I am now? I am beyond puzzled. Everything I look at in my life seems foreign. The people, the places, the sights, the sounds, they're right here in front of me, they're familiar, yet they're distant and unwelcoming. I recognize the faces of my friends and family but when I look deeper I find myself asking "Who are they? When did they become who I'm looking at right now?"

 

The people, the objects, the ideas that I once had that I believed defined me, they don't exist in my life anymore, so now I'm lost. And I feel like one of the reasons I'm desperately searching for a significant other is because I'm DYING for someone I trust to tell me what I should or shouldn't be doing, simply because I don't trust myself to answer any of the questions I've poised here in this post.

 

I'm becoming keenly aware of my own mortality. Not only do I know my days are limited, but it feels like I'm getting swept away by the raging river of time, faster and faster, and that my limited days are actually coming to and end rather quickly.

 

It feels like panic. It feels like a crisis. It feels like every second that I sit here trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing or feeling, I'm wasting.

 

I'm an adult and I don't feel like one. I'm jealous of my nephew because my mother gives him the attention that I want. I'm 25 and I still want attention from my mother.

 

I'm supposed to be flying, soaring, happy, full-grown and on my own. But I'm not. And I'm not allowed to depend on her or anyone else anymore. I have to depend on myself. But I don't trust myself because I don't know who I am or what I want or what I'm capable of.

 

I have no fucking clue where to go from here.

 

-K