My Wishful Thinking, Part II

For those just tuning in, please read My Wishful Thinking, Part I.

This is my second post in one day. (My Sleepless Nights, Part II does not count.) So something must be going on.

There's one major reason why OAOA and I just don't work as a couple. If we had never been intimate, we would have worked great as best friends, and I'll tell you why in a second. But as a couple, we were doomed, unless she was willing to accept my help...which right now it seems she's not.

I am someone who is not only very good at communicating how I feel, but I don't even know how to not communicate how I feel. I must get it out of me. If I try and hold it in, my body feels like it's going to explode. Seriously. My emotions create some pretty amazing physical symptoms, and I need to express what's going on inside of me. I do that verbally or through writing, but I can very succinctly describe what I want and how I'm feeling.

People who cannot communicate how they feel frustrate me. They frustrate me not only because I cannot understand why they cannot communicate how they feel, since I've always been able to (I'm working on being more empathetic in this manner) but also because I can sense how people are feeling. When I know someone, if I feel a connection with them, I know exactly what they're feeling almost to the point that I can express it for them. And sometimes I do. And sometimes that amazes people.

OAOA is someone who has an extreme impediment when it comes to talking about how she feels. But she loved talking to me and communicating with me because I could sense her...I understood where she was coming from, she opened up to me, because for whatever reason, I connected with her and I felt the same things she did, and I was able to communicate them and she wasn't. That's why she latched on to me. In the beginning.

When the lines of romance got crossed, though, I became someone she couldn't confide in because her feelings were about me. That's when she would shift her social patterns and her body language, all of which I could read to the "t", and I would literally have to pry out of her what was wrong. Sometimes that would take me days to a week. And during those days I would feel so much sadness, anger, frustration, guilt, and fear that I was almost incapacitated. I was like that because she wasn't letting me know what was going on. She felt all those same emotions...because she was unable to tell me what was going on.

Imagine playing "20 Questions" but already knowing the answer, and it's about how someone you love can't be around you. It's not fun.

That's why I had the dreams I had last night. That's why I haven't been right since I saw her last Saturday. Because I knew how she was feeling, and she wouldn't tell me. She's not comfortable with me yet. She wants her space. And when I asked her why she couldn't just tell me that, she straight up said (via text, because she hates talking when she's uncomfortable) "Because I can't communicate how I'm feeling."

So there she goes. Off again. Until she's ready. Which may be never. I want to say I feel like I've blown my chances, but at the same time I'm not sure this could have gone down any other way. Two people like us were bound to interact in such a way, right?

Doesn't make me any less sad that she's gone. Because I love her. I do. And there's nothing worse in life than not being able to be with the ones you love.

At least I was able to handle the situation with grace, and I didn't allow all the anger and frustration I've been feeling since the weekend become apparent. I was noble and honest, and said I wanted the best for her. Which, right now, meant me not being around. I really hate when that's what's best.

I helped her all the time. With everything. Whenever she needed it. And I truly believed I could help her learn to communicate how she was feeling. Maybe in an imagined future.

For now...I'm really sad.

That's all.

-Spontaneous K