My Own Medicine

I’ve been feeling really good these past couple days. And sometimes I feel like there is some societal rule that feeling good isn’t allowed. At least in America. If you’re feeling good, then something’s wrong with you, because life is hard, god damnit, and you’re supposed to be miserable.
 
Blasphemy, I say!

If there’s one thing I’m not going to feel guilty about, it’s feeling good. Right now I’m feeling good about my life. I’m feeling good about my job, I’m feeling good about my health, I’m feeling good about my looks, and I’m feeling good about my dreams and my goals. I’m enjoying life, as they say. Even better, I’m enjoying these days because I’m feeling like I’m moving on from OAOA. Thank the lord.

One of the reasons I'm feeling so great is based on an idea I broached in My Great Disconnect about challenging beliefs and logic. Posting my photo on hotornot.com for the world to see...and rate...was a scary thing for me to do. I was forced to see the truth of how the women of the world perceived me. What I discovered was that I was perceived higher than I perceived myself.  It was not only an instantly confidence booster, but it allowed me to see what I was doing wrong in person, both mentally and socially, to have people perceive me the way I perceive myself.

Seeing things from new perspectives is always great. Sometimes, though, it gives you a taste of your own medicine. When you've been doing something wrong for so long, something you thought was okay but couldn't figure out why it didn't work, it's not until it's done to you that you realize why your methods were bad. Hot or Not also helped me to figure that out.

I spent about four hours last evening talking to a girl from Albany, NY who was all about me from the minute I clicked "Yes, I want to meet you too." She went on and on about how handsome and wonderful I was, how she wanted to travel immediately down from Albany to meet me, how we'd talk every day and share everything, and she kept apologizing for being so forward.

At first it was endearing. After a short while, it got overwhelming. Today, it's scary.

I can't be too upset with her, because I get it. I've been her. I'm really picky, and when I find someone that I actually like and connect with, I latch on to them with the excitement and desperation of a five year old, thinking I'll never find someone else and that they MUST love me. That isn't the way to woo the heart of the object of your affection.

I'm starting to feel good in my own skin for once. I'm starting to realize that I create my own value and that I don't need someone to make me happy. And now I have to help this girl learn that, at least a little bit, by doing the right thing and letting her know that she's laying it on a little too thick. Just because we love the same activities, Scrubs, Video Games, music, etc...doesn't necessarily mean we're going to make a great couple. Besides, she lives in Albany and I live in Philadelphia.

This is a great lesson for me to learn, especially now that I'd like to be a little more laid back with my relationships, and that's to let things move as they should. Slowly and effortlessly. Pressure and coercion don't create good relationships, patience and wonder do. I can see clearly by her actions that she's making the same mistake I was making with OAOA. She's already depending on me for her happiness.

I can see now how I've made some girls feel in the past by being intense. I think I'll now opt for the confident, secure, and mysterious disposition. :)


-Spontaneous K