My Gift and My Curse

Spider-man reference! I am a nerd, I know.

I am a hopeless romantic. And I loooooove being a hopeless romantic, even if it often fills my heart with pain. How masochistic. How romantic.

Hopeless, in and of itself, by definition means completely and utterly without hope. So it's redundant for me to say that maybe I'm too much of a hopeless romantic. What does being a hopeless romantic do for me? Well, it fuels my imagination and my passions, for one thing. It gives me a reason to write my stories, and it gives me a reason to live my life. It's an uninhibited endless search for all things beautiful and the ultimate sacrifice that is true love.

Yes, that does sound quite romantic, doesn't it?

Sure, those ideas get me all warm and fuzzy inside. They get the butterflies all riled up. The adrenaline pumps at the exciting thoughts and possibilities of having another human being with whom to share your life experiences. And not even just share, but share with passion and grace. We (hopeless romantics) yearn for that indescribable connection that makes us feel like we're whole.

But I suppose that would lead me into the curse part of my gift. We're already whole...so why do we feel like we're not?

When I started this blog, I did have a bit of a theme in mind when going for the voice over lessons that JD would give in Scrubs, but I didn't expect myself to keep going with the correlation and differences between television (or film) and life. Considering I'm a storyteller, that's just how I view the world, through the lens of a story. So I suppose it's natural my blog ended up being this way. Continuing on with that thought...every television show (well, most of them, but DEFINITELY sitcoms) all have their protagonist and that protagonist's "one."

You can tell is from the first episode usually. Doesn't matter how long it takes, we have no idea if the show is going to last one season or ten...but JD is going to end up with Elliot, no matter how many times they break up or how much bullshit they go through. Ross was going to end up with Rachel. Jim was going to end up with Pam. And even though we know this going in, we love to see couples get together. Why? Because we want that for ourselves. When they feel it, we feel it. That's why we get involved in stories in the first place.

Life, unfortunately, isn't as explicit when it comes to who is going to end up with who. Yes, people have love at first sight moments, but there isn't a situation in history where a bunch of people look at a man and a woman who meet for the first time and go "Shit, those two are going to end up together!"

Much like the characters in the show, though, we don't know with whom we're going to end up. I've THOUGHT after meeting some people that they were going to be my Elliot, Rachel, or Pam. But you can never be sure. And to some...to me...that's a frustrating notion. I know I'm young, but that requited love, that hopelessly romantic connection, hasn't happened for me yet, at least not for longer than a very brief period. And it makes me wonder if my curse is too...cursey.

My Internet Enemy actually became an internet friend, and we had a discussion on this topic. This was brought up because she's a Swagger Coach at www.e-swagger.com, so I thought she might have advice on my woman woes. When I wrote my post about roles in friendship, I didn't realize how close to the point I was. It's true, most people don't feel "whole". They need people, activities, experiences to make them feel alive and worthwhile. And while buddhist monks try to reach wholeness within themselves by months of solitude and meditation, and other religious folks fill themselves through whatever god they worship, those of us who aren't as spiritual or religious need some other means. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against any belief in a higher power. It's beautiful. It's romantic. And I believe in a higher power...not one of any religious texts, but I do. Unfortunately, it doesn't provide me with that wholeness. Maybe I'm not believing hard enough.

Excusing that tangent and getting back to my Frenemy and her point...she didn't tell me to stop looking for someone to fill that place in my heart, as most people in my life have suggested. She insisted that I stop looking for one person that's going to fill ALL my needs. Start understanding myself and what it is that I'm lacking in my life, make a list, and see if I can find a person who can fill one or two of those things. Find people to fill specific roles in your life. This isn't as systematic and artificial as it sounds...we all do it unconsciously. Everyone in our lives is there for a reason, whether we acknowledge it or not. We all get something out of those in our lives. And until we can find someone who does have all those qualities we're looking for, we can singular ones in many different people.

They're called friends.

I've got quite a few good ones of those. So maybe I'm a lot more gifted than I am cursed. Maybe that means I really shouldn't worry about the "ones" that haven't worked.

-Spontaneous K