My Attempt to Communicate with OAOA

Okay. I know I promised I wouldn't mention OAOA, or at least I would keep it to a minimum...but a wise commenter was correct in saying that as much as this blog is for the readers, it's also about me, and if venting about OAOA helps me move on or feel better, then by all means, write about it.

Three days after she told me she needed space, she emails me asking me how my move was and such. This, naturally, is confusing for me. For the past couple days, we've been shooting emails back and forth sporadically, very very basic emails. Y'know, "How are you? What's Atlanta like? How are things in Philly? Liking your new roommates? Etc. Etc."

Bullshit conversation. It's bullshit. I'm no master when it comes to sociology, but as a writer for over 18 years, I'm trained to read subtext. In a real life conversation, it's a little bit more difficult for me, but don't you ever write me anything before considering that I can read between the lines. And I can read between the lines very well.

OAOA wants something from me. I don't know what it is, but she wants something. Perhaps she's bored in Atlanta. Perhaps she doesn't have anyone to talk to now that she's been stripped of her core group of friends for a short time and is missing the connection we once had. I don't know exactly what she wants, but there is purpose in her emails. Even if it's just to remind me that she still cares about me after hurting me.

People don't just speak. We don't just act. That's not what words and actions are for, they're not a random spattering of expression. Words are used to control. While we think they are used to convey, the underlying goal of speaking...or doing anything...is to attempt to manipulate the environment in a manner that is more acceptable to us. There is no denying this. So whether her motives are small or big, malicious or well-intended, she's attempting some form of control. And I think she's trying this because I always gave her control, and now she thinks it's gone because I told her I'd give her the space she wanted.

Be careful what you wish for. Sometimes we don't always want that space even when we say we do.

I can say that because I've done it. I've said goodbye to her because I couldn't handle just being her friend while being as close to her as we were, but then days later I'd contact her again because I didn't really want her gone.

We basically were in a relationship without having any sex. Wonderful emotional bliss, absolutely no sexual release. This, naturally, created some wicked frustration...at least on my end.

Yesterday, she responded to an email that I had sent the day before. She took an entire day to respond. That's fine. I was actually okay that she took that long to respond. But I had to take a friend's advice and WAIT. Don't respond right away, wait as long as she did to respond. It drives them nuts. It shows you have control, and a life of your own. Normally, I'd have been so excited to get an email from her that I'd write back instantly. But I waited. A whole day. And guess what happened when I emailed her back (with an email as brief as she sent me).

She got back to me within twenty minutes.

Maybe I'm looking too deeply into this. Maybe I'm not. But I know how she and I work. So I'm playing this game very carefully. She asked me something in this last email that threw me off a bit. Most of the conversational questions have been rather blah...inquisitive questions that any friend would ask. She, however, ended her email with "How have you been sleeping?"

Once again, could be reading too deeply into this, but I also may be reading it correctly. People who aren't your girlfriend or your mother don't ask you how you've been sleeping. People don't care about how you've been sleeping unless they genuinely care for your well being. As stated in My Sleepless Nights, I have nightmares, and I've been going through a lot that hasn't been allowing me to sleep very well.

Here's where I'm stuck. This could simply be her way of saying "I'm wrong and I'm sorry" because she doesn't know how to communicate how she's feeling, but because she doesn't know how to communicate how she's feeling, I have no way of knowing unless I ask.

I think I just answered my own question before writing the sentence I was going to.

The friendship/pseudo-relationship is already in a shit-storm and can't get a whole lot worse. I'd probably even benefit from it being completely over. So I was wondering if I should just NOT say anything and let this continue to build back into the nice thing that we had before. But then I realized that would be self-masochism. It might be nice for a little while, but the problem isn't solved. Even if we're going to be friends, we need to be able to communicate. I was afraid to ask her what she's thinking by contacting me and asking me about my life when she said she wanted space, in fear of her leaving again, but when it comes down to it, unless she learns to open up and communicate, she's not good for me and shouldn't be in my life anyway. It's not as big of a risk as I think it is.

So here goes nothing. Let's decipher her motives. Wish me luck.

-Spontaneous K