My Absence

I feel like a gopher peeking my head out of its hole to make sure everything is safe before I come out again.

 

*wind blows silently*

 

All's good.

 

I know. I've taken a short break from blogging around these parts. And I spoke to my roommate Jess about it. I told her how every since I said my final goodbye to OAOA (which I've held strong for a week now, doing good!), I haven't had much to say. My life, I felt, wasn't particularly exciting or interesting enough to write about on here. That may or may not be true. I'm sure I could've found something noteworthy to write about had I really sat down to try, but truth be told...I really had little to say.

 

But Jess assured me that that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. My life had no drama. That's ok.

 

And after a weekend of listening to a bunch of friends rant and cry to me about their relationship problems, it struck me that being single definitely has its perks. I have this notion in my mind that a relationship (the right one) will be this perfect, blissful experience, where we're always happy and life is fantastic and nothing can stop us.

 

Quite romantic. Quite unrealistic. Even the most loving of couples have their epic fail moments, the times where you wish you truly weren't "Him and Her" but just "Him" or "Her."

 

The idea of being in a relationship has become even more crucial in my mind because I'm unconsciously racing with my siblings. I'm the only one in my family not married or on the verge of getting married. I haven't even started the race. I'm still at the starting line, waiting for a partner to come along so we can bolt and catch up. What does it mean for me that I'm the only one in my family that doesn't have a significant other that wants to spend the rest of their life with me? Does that mean there's something inherently wrong with me?

 

No. It actually doesn't mean anything. It means I'm taking my own path, and my own time. And from an outsider's perspective...my perspective that is...my siblings look happy. Their lives look together. My mother, however, reassures me that none of my siblings lives are perfect, and they still come to her with all their rants, raves, and frustrations. I was actually talking to my writing partner, Josh, the other night about how I look at my older sister and am SO jealous that she's happily married and has a beautiful nine month old child. Then I started thinking about what it would be like to go to bed terrified every night that something is going to happen to your child, that this person's life is absolutely dependent on your maturity, responsibility, and cohesion. Sure, the child gives you unconditional love, but that love comes at a cost...the cost of your freedom. Your life is now your child's life.

 

And as much as I'd like a child at some point in my life, I know that I could not handle that right now, because I'm still learning how to completely take care of myself, and I'm still learning how to have healthy relationships with others.

 

So, when it all comes down to it...being single and without those responsibilities isn't bad. It's actually pretty great. I don't have a wife, I don't have a child, I don't have a mortgage, I don't even have a pet that I have to look after. I really am freer than I realize. Free to discover who I am and what I'm capable of.

 

And yesterday I discovered I'm slightly capable of forethought. I thought about this girl Melissa who I hadn't spoken to in maybe four months...she had gone to Pittsburgh for a while to do a rotation for medical school and I was wondering if she returned. Not three hours later, I didn't immediately realize that I was standing behind her in line at a Wendy's.

 

 

Weeeeeird.

 

She declined on lunch with me. Still single. :-P

 

-Spontaneous K

My REAL Best Friend

I actually have a real best female friend. One who is genuinely there for me. She doesn't just listen to me when I'm down, she lifts me up. And I do the same for her.

 

Her name is Katie (Sorry MFIE. Her name is legally Katherine, but I've always called her Katie). Our story is a fun one. Lemme take you back, circa 2000.

 

Oh my god, I'm suddenly a sophomore in high school, and holy hell am I a nerd. I have no sense of style, I probably weigh about 120lbs, I wore a back brace (and braces on my teeth), I wrote a fantasy novel, and I played video games all day. I was so much a nerd that I had two siblings in the same school as me (one being my twin, the other being my "epitome of cool" brother), and most people didn't know there was a third one of us...me.

 

I was quiet. The intelligent type. People cheated off my vocab quizzes. I let them.

 

My twin sister and my brother owned the school. They were high school royalty. Their groups of friends were the types you saw in movies...uber attractive, amazing at sports, the super elite. They only dated each other. Kim, my twin, was best friends with a lot of these untouchable women...namely one. Katie. And Katie was truly untouchable. She dated a guy throughout high school who was crazy insane, much worse than OAOA was for me, but she kept running back to him for safety.

 

Whenever Katie would come over, my heart would stop. It was your typical high school crush. What was amazing about Katie was that she was popular yet somehow NOT a bitch like my sister and the other girls could be. (Yes, my sister was, and still can be...a bitch. But I love her.)

 

Katie, unlike OAOA, never reciprocated feelings for me, despite my attempts, however, she was always so humble about it. She never made me feel like I was wrong or that we couldn't be friends because of how I felt. Ten years later...she was right.

 

In the beginning, it was hard because Kim was possessive. Katie was HER best friend, not mine at all. And Kim did what high school girls did when they felt threatened. She made shit up.

 

Kim would tell me that Katie didn't like me at all, she was just being nice, and was really annoyed that I ever tried to talk to her. I should just stop. This, naturally, made me very sad.

 

Until I was reassured by Katie that Kim was making shit up.

 

As we grew up, and the partying and the popularity contests became less important to Katie, and having someone to connect with and empathize with became more important, she gradually moved from being my sister's best friend to my best friend.

 

Kim was bitter for a while. But now, Katie is a friend of my entire family. She just goes through me the most.

 

I haven't mentioned Katie because seven months ago, just one month before I met OAOA, Katie moved to Chicago with her long-term, planning to marry, boyfriend. Life became a whirlwind for both of us.

 

But she's coming in to visit this weekend. I'll see her for the first time in seven months.

 

I am SO STOKED. :)

 

-Spontaneous K

 

 

 

 

Moving Onward. Seriously this time. I'm SERIOUS!

I'm proud of myself. Not because I cut ties again with OAOA, but because I feel confident this time, and I'm not allowing myself to grieve too much. Maybe it's because I've done it a bajillion times already that it just doesn't hurt as much...or perhaps it's because I've finally accepted and understood that it's toxic and doesn't work.

 

Whatever the case, a HUGE thanks to all my readers harsh but true words of wisdom. You all had your insights, and you were all right in your own ways.

 

Clap, clap, clap, clap, I love you all.

 

Especially since all my readers seem to be female? Why is this? Haha.

 

This isn't the first time I've learned this lesson, and it probably won't be the last. However, since I'm aware of my pattern, that means each time it happens, I should be able to stop it more quickly and efficiently, until I've worked it out. I'll find myself in a healthy relationship. I know I will. :)

 

In the mean time, I have amazing news. I had a stroke of creative genius on the way to work this morning...and it felt so good that it almost made me feel like I had amazing sex the night before.

 

Remember My Troubled Protagonist? 

 

She's not TROUBLED ANYMORE! Seriously, when it hit me this morning, I almost froze and leaped straight up into the air in celebration. One simple idea cracked the code to my plagued story, and the beats shot through my mind like rapid-fire. I was back baby. This story is MINE.

 

Ben and I also started hitting the gym yesterday, and shall be returning today, and three times a week every week until we're strong and energized. Healthy habits for a healthy mind. :) Things aren't so bad after all.

 

But you guys (and myself, deep down) already knew that.

 

-Spontaneous K

One Last Step...

"I'm sorry for getting angry at you and writing to you what I did on Saturday. You're there for me as much as you can be, and I didn't respect that. I still have expectations of us that I can't shake. I'm still angry and sad that things didn't turn out the way I wanted them to for us. I'm still upset that you're not there for me the way I want you to be, but that's not your fault.
 
I never wanted to admit that you and I were just two people that don't mesh...because I thought we did so well in the beginning that I couldn't understand why we can't now. I care about you so much that in my mind that meant it had to work somehow. But I'm learning that just because you care about someone doesn't necessarily mean you're allowed to have them in your life.
 
We've both fucked up. I never meant to hurt you and I'm sure that you never meant to hurt me. Through this whole thing, I'm sure we just wanted the best for each other and we simply aren't mature enough yet to be able to handle one another.
 
I love you. I mean that. Which is why I should try my very best to let you go and be free of my expectations and my wanting to care for you.
 
Once again, I'm sorry for everything, Ali. I know you're sorry too. Not everything gets a happy ending. I hope we can both find the strength to let the other go in whatever way we need to.
 
Yours,
Kevin"

 

For those who don't know...my name's Kevin. And that was my apology to OAOA. I kind of thought I was going to get some cheers from my readers for telling her off...fact of the matter is, I was wrong to do it. We were both wrong. A long time ago.

 

This is being an adult, right?

 

Goodbyes suck. Every time.

 

-Spontaneous K

MFIE Was Right...

I have no idea who I am. This occurred to me moments ago. I knew that I haven't written a post since Saturday...two days...and I haven't missed two days since I started the blog almost two months ago.

 

I realized that I have very little to talk about besides my plight for a significant other. At least nothing I think others would find as interesting as my hopelessly romantic search.

 

I truly have defined myself by my story of finding "the one." And I have no freakin' clue what to write about on here...at least right now...if I'm not writing about that.

 

Which sort of means I don't know what I'm doing in life if I'm not doing that. And I don't know what I'm doing with this blog right now.

 

Existential Crisis Reached.

 

-Spontaneous K

Every Reader I Have Is Going To Love This: OAOA - The Final Battle

Well, you all saw it coming. I knew deep down that it was coming. I couldn't keep living by OAOA's rules without my emotions getting the best of me. I wasn't allowed to be myself. I was giving away all of my power. The friendship was on her terms.

And I got angry. It was over something small...but it meant something big.

I'd called her three days in a row. And she never got back to me. After I answer every text she sends me, every phone call, every emergency, every call for help...I can't even get a return phone call. And it really...really pissed me off. I called her out on it, and at first she was confused as to why I was angry, and then when she realized what I was angry about, she said "This is retarded."

That's when I flipped.

I said to her, "First off, as someone who is your friend, and who cares about you, don't you ever tell me that the way that I feel is retarded."

She promptly apologized, and then went on to listen to me rant, as calmly as I could, about how I've been acting perfectly for her, I've been the best that I could possibly be, I've abided by all her rules and requests, respecting her space and her feelings, and that it's frustrating and hurtful that when I call, when I need her, she isn't there.

She did what she always did. She sat there and she listened, not responding, not defending herself, she just said she was "Sorry and didn't know what to say."

It's like talking to a wall. I kept trying to get something out of her, but she wouldn't budge. She went on to say "I'm getting off the phone, I'm not going to sit here and let you say things that make me feel like shit all day. Why does everything have to be so drawn out and dramatic with you?"

I threw it back at her, saying that she had no right to call me dramatic when her whole life is drama and she lets me know ALL about it.

"I said I was sorry, what else is there to say?" she said to me.

Nothing. I knew her apology meant nothing, so I let her hang up. But I was still angry. I wasn't satisfied. So...

I wrote her this email:

"You have no idea how cold you can be. You have little respect for how I feel or how I work, and things get drawn out because you refuse to work on them, you just block them out or run from them.

I've put myself out there for you, and I can't keep being your crutch when things go wrong in your life if you're going to consciously keep a distance from me because your own insecurities make you feel like shit.

I've changed to try and make our friendship work because I think it's worth it, but you've hardly made any sacrifices.

It's selfish, and it's hurt me.

If you don't think you can honor how I feel, then don't tell me "I'm sorry, I'll try to change" when you don't intend to.

You've disappointed me so many times, but I keep coming back because when you're smiling and you're happy, you're amazing, but when you let your insecurities get the best of you, you forget how to treat people.

I've tried nothing but my best for you, and it hasn't been enough.

You never opened up, you never let me know how you were feeling, I've always had to guess or pry it out of you, which is why I act so erratic, because I never know what's going on.

I've tried to focus on what's good about us and how to strengthen that, and you've chosen to focus on what doesn't work and how to avoid it.

No matter how many times I say I care, or do things to show that I do, you never believe them. Why is it so hard to believe that I just want you to be happy, and that's why it hurts so much when you make me sad?"

And I finally felt better. It was like I was drunk and I vomited, and the sickness went away. It was my emotional vomit. I expected not to hear from her after that. However, I got a text an hour later: "Hey, do you want to hang out?"

I didn't know if she had read my email or not. But I agreed.

When I met her, I asked her if she had read it, and she said yes. Said she deserved it. And we hung out for several hours, not talking about what had happened. When it was all over, nothing was different. Nothing had changed. The time we spent together wasn't even good. It was awkward, a lot of it quiet.

When she left, all I could think was "You're still not off the hook. I'm still angry." She hadn't done anything special to redeem herself. She hadn't done anything to truly show that she cared. Coming out and hanging out with me after I wrote her that email took courage, yes, but it wasn't enough.

As I watched her ride off on her bike, I thought to myself "You'll never change. You'll never do anything to show me you care that even comes close to the things that I've done for you. And that's why this is never going to work. That's why this time it's really over."

Yeah, I'm sad. Yeah, she probably thinks she made things somewhat okay. But the fact of the matter is, I've wasted enough time thinking about her and trying to prove that she's worth all this. The pain and the struggle has become my choice now, and I choose for it to be over. It's time to find out who I am, heal a little, and open my heart up to someone else.

The universe doesn't end with a bang...it ends with a whimper.

It's foolish for me to believe I won't meet someone who I find more beautiful, or who I can connect better with, or have as much fun and create such wonderful memories with...

...because I always do.

-Spontaneous K

Who are YOU?!

I found myself asking this question TO myself in those days I laid in bed. Who the hell am I? What am I doing? Where am I going? What is my purpose?

 

Danger: Approaching existential crisis. Please eject promptly.

 

(See, if this were Scrubs, that would be a fantasy where JD's brain ejects from his body to avoid said existential crisis. I can still have fun!)

 

What I didn't expect was someone, namely MFIE, to ask me the same question when commenting on my most previous post. She wanted to know who I was. Not in the sense that she doesn't know who I am, but who I am without the pining interest for a significant other. Who was I...alone? It then occurred to me...how many other people want to know who I am too? How many other people, whether they were female love interests or not, have I been depending on to TELL ME who I am? Who I should be?

 

Well shit...a lot of fucking people. Particularly the people I'm having letting trouble go of in my past...because I thought they defined me. Does your past define you? I'm learning that:

 

No. It doesn't. But I certainly thought it did.

 

There is a rift in my memories. Pre-Firefly and Post-Firefly. I can barely remember significant details of things prior to Firefly UNLESS they revolve around some girl I wanted real bad. I remember my first crush ever.

 

I was 8. In Second Grade. Boy did I start early.

 

Her name was Stephanie. She was the most popular girl in second grade, she had flowing blonde hair, a perfect smile, perky blue eyes, and a score of beautiful friends who frolicked the playground, carefree, just being gorgeous. Even back then, at eight years old, I felt something, an attraction, a need. I was not popular. I wrote this girl notes I would never give to her, when I would try to speak to her no words would emerge...I remember one time I even won a goldfish at a school fair and I wanted to give it to her as a present. My mother even spoke to her mother and was going to drive me over to her house so I could give it to her.

 

But I spilled some of the water in the baggie, and filled it back up with water from the sink. The fish promptly died. I didn't know tap water was bad for fishies. This, as I can recall, is my first crash and burn. The phone call to her mother telling her the fish was dead was tragic.

 

I digress. It's true. My life, at least leading back to the age of eight, has been defined by a series of fruitless searches to find "the one". That perfect companion who would fill me up, give me purpose, and provide me with constant happiness. I've defined myself as a hopeless romantic who is hopelessly and perpetually single or in toxic arrangements, and that's where I'll stay if I continue to define myself as "searching" instead of "being".

 

None of you know this. I have a twin sister. We are nothing alike. We hardly speak unless she needs something. Fact of the matter is though, even before I was born, even IN THE WOMB, I was accompanied by someone, and I spent the first several years of my life with that someone. They say you're born alone and you die alone.

 

Well, I may die alone, but guess what. I wasn't born alone. And, according to an old therapist I once had, the fact that I'm a twin may link to my incessant need for "another half."

 

I wonder if other twins suffer from this problem?

 

I digress again. MFIE makes a fine point. She wants to know, and I want to know, who I am without the search. So, [My Own Voice Over] readers, despite being single for mostly ever, I still...

 

DECLARE INDEPENDENCE!

 

I am my own person. And yesterday when I posted that I felt creative...I meant it. I want to write. I want to draw. I want to digitally paint with my wacom tablet. I want to dance. I want to learn a martial art. I want to channel my energy to create (create being the root word of "creative") because that's what my mind was built to do. Not destroy itself by battering me all day with "I can't, I hate, I shouldn't, I won't, I'm afraid, What if, I'll never" and on and on and on...

 

If I don't express what's in my mind...no one will.

 

Thanks, Katie.

 

-Spontaneous K