My Second Steps Forward

They say the first step is the big one. I say it still takes a manner of awesomeness to take step two and keep going.

I want to thank everyone who provided me with the insight that I was begging for yesterday like an incapable fifteen year old: Passionista, imerika, Katie, and JenJen. (All girls! Booya! Oh, and please check out their blogs via the comment section of this post, cuz dey legit [Note to self: Stop using street talk. And colons. And ellipses...and parentheses, especially parentheses within parentheses]). Sometimes a verbal smack from someone who isn't clouded by their panicky emotions is enough to bring us back to reality and allow us to think clearly.

From the bottom of my heart...I'm not an incapable fifteen year old, no matter how much I act like one (It's fun sometimes, when there isn't a real problem). I'm a capable 25 year old, and I'm going to start acting like it. Each of my blogger friends said much of the same thing with their own special touch. I'm a grown man, I'm awesome, and I need to live my life independent of what this girl is doing.

She wants her space? She's got it. Best for the both of us. So onward from her.

From this point forward I'm going to attempt to keep any words of OAOA to a minimum. I've been writing this blog for 17 days now (Woot!) and I've noticed most of my talk is about her. That's unfortunate, because I have an entire life to talk about. Like a whole one. Whole being key word. Not sort of empty because I don't have her or some other girl, but a whole life.

Even though I have written a lot about her, the point of this blog has become truly apparent to me now that I'm 17 days in. It doesn't matter what's going on, there's always a story to be told, there's always something that you can learn and experience in your day, even if you think you did the same thing you always do on a Tuesday. (If you recall from My Hump Day, I don't even know where to start on how I feel about Tuesdays. Staff Meeting. Blah.) I'm proud that I've kept it going for this long, and I'd love to be able to reach the month milestone, the two month milestone, and, god willing, the year milestone. How cool would that be to be able to look back at the year and see a story each day? To truly understand what you went through over the course of one year? I'd like to see it. At this age, time flies by so quickly that I've found myself come each December 31st going "What the hell happened this year?"

If I write here, I'll know. :)

I should start labeling the posts though. It's hard, because I do the posts remotely, since work blocks www.blogger.com. I'll figure something out though. Perhaps go back at the end of the day and label the shiz out of them. Okay, I'll keep with the street talk. It's funny when a neurotic Jewish guy tries it.

On a great note, my new roommates, Jess and Josie, are awesome. I stayed up (WAY too late) talking with them and getting to know them. They even invited me out with them, which is really cool. It's nice to be able to come home and have people to talk to for once, people you enjoy. Even though it's only for three months, I'm thinking it'll be a three months that makes a good mark. And if it doesn't...oh well, right? Onward Ho:

Lastly...and I'm not a vain human being, I'm just completely surprised at this...a friend of mine suggested I try www.hotornot.com to try and meet girls. He's dating a few from there right now, and I was like "Really? From there?"

Why not.

I posted my pic. Now, I use the Internet a lot. A lot a lot. People are assholes. There are some mean mother-effers out there (I'm feeling the need to keep this blog semi-clean). For those not familiar with "Hot or Not", you rate pictures of others from 1 to 10 based on attractiveness. You can't really get more superficial than that. I expected myself to be in the 6-7 range, average.

Hmm. No.

Very much to my surprise, after having 54 women vote me thus far...FIFTY-FOUR (that may not sound like a lot in terms of the Internet, but imagine 54 people standing in front of you and then telling you what they rate your attractiveness. It's enough to make or break your ego)...I have an average of 9.3.

I'm not bragging. Because I still don't really believe it. It doesn't make sense. Somebody's joshin' with me.

Or maybe I should just give myself some more credit.

But a 9? Really? :)

-Spontaneous K

My Utter Confusion/My Call For Help

I'm trying not to do double titles here, since Scrubs never did that...but this morning calls for desperate measures. Anyone out there who's reading my blog, and I know you're mostly twenty-somethings, please, I need some assistance here. This isn't a pathetic cry for comments, I'm quite happy with the amount that I get, I just don't know what to do right now.

So, if you've been following, you know all about My On And Off Again Best Friend (OAOA), My Wishful Thinking, My Wishful Thinking Part II, and My First Steps Forward.

For those who haven't been following, I've basically got a girl messing with my heart who I thought came back into my life for a brief moment, upset me by raising my hopes by having a great time with me and giving me a gift, and then dropping off the face of the earth again, saying it was too much too soon.

She wanted her space. Like a gentleman, I obliged.

For the first time since I've known her, she didn't allow me to see her before she went away for a little while. This weekend she took a trip to Atlanta until March 2nd. In the past five months, every time we had to go away, even if it was for a long weekend, she'd make sure she got to see me.

Not this time.

That really put the nail in the coffin for me. I thought it was done. She can come to me when she wants me, I guess, but my friends are telling me to let it go for good.

I had half a mind to unfriend her from Facebook. But I didn't. Because I don't like saying goodbye to people. I like to try to make things work. Although, I'll admit, I'm impatient.

The day after we said goodbye last week, my Facebook status was "Picking up the keys to my new apartment tonight. Life changes. Onward Ho!"

She "liked" my status. Why? Why would she do that? I tried not to over think it. Did she like that I was moving? Did she like that I was accepting that life changes and that I was planning on moving on from her? I don't know. I tried to ignore it the best I could. And I did.

This morning, my phone buzzes. It's a Facebook message. From her. Asking me "How was the move?"

That's all. Short, simple. But SO FREAKIN' COMPLICATED AT THE SAME TIME? Why? Why is she doing this to me? She wants me, but she doesn't want me. She cares, but she wants to care from far away. Do I answer? Do I ignore it completely and let her really drop out of my life for good? I don't know what to do. My friends say she's toxic, my family says she's toxic, and while I admit (clearly from this blog) that we have problems, they are problems I want to fix, because I love her.

Within the first 30 seconds of receiving the message, I wanted to reply. I didn't know with what. I didn't know if I should just say "The move was fine," and leave it at that. I didn't know if I should give her in depth details about how I'm liking my room and my roommates. I didn't know if I should be like "OAOA, what are you doing? You said you wanted space and it's been three days." Is she testing me?

I'm at a loss. I don't know which action to take next. I don't know what she's trying to do, whether it's genuinely find out if my move went okay because she cares, or if she's trying to get back in.

I DON'T KNOW.

And it's totally ruined my morning. Somebody please help.

-Spontaneous K