My Beef With Mornings

There are tips and tricks to getting to sleep and staying asleep. I've used them. They work. I personally like to sleep with my head in between pillows, and have a fan blasting to create some soothing white noise (not necessarily blasting on me). I also can't go to bed on an empty stomach. That never works. Oh, and definitely pee before you go to bed.

This is going to seem like a tangent at first, but I have a point. There are a lot of things I can say I've battled in the past decade. Sickness. Broken Heart. Loss of friends. Loss of Family. Car accidents. Robbery. Firings. Layoffs. Cross-country moves. Anxiety. Depression. But I mean, who hasn't dealt with similar monsters in the span of a decade? Some of those things are easier fights to win than others, and some are quite long lasting. But if there's one behemoth who has successfully bested me over and over again since as far back as I can remember it's this one:

Waking up in the god damn morning.

I'm not a morning person. I'm just not. I'm a night owl. And every single time I go to sleep at night, I tell myself I'm going to get up early and be productive. I usually even feel pretty motivated about it. But when that alarm rings, man...the battle is already lost. It never, ever, happens. And I truly don't know how to change it.

It doesn't matter if I get ten hours, eight hours, or six hours, if I'm awake before eight o'clock, I'm not a happy person and I have significant trouble getting out of bed. Heck, I don't even like waking up before 10am. I'm writing all this because my stupid alarm didn't go off and I was 45 minutes late to work, which nullifies some of the overtime I put in yesterday. Crap in a hat.

On the other hand, it's Friday. On the other hand, it's freaking snowing again and I'm going to be working some overtime this weekend, so a huge break isn't exactly in order. But on the other, other hand, I'm feeling a lot better, which means maybe I can actually go out and enjoy myself, perhaps with Jess who I've been spending my evenings with. We haven't really gone out to do anything yet, so I'm looking forward to a roommate outing. Last night we watched "Can't Hardly Wait" while she did homework and I did screenwriting. Company is wonderful.

I'm mad at myself for this. But I dig her.

Tara wasn't feeling well due to mid-terms, so we pushed back our date-type-thing to Sunday. At least she feels bad and keeps rescheduling. That's a good sign!

Aside from feeling better physically, this whole HotOrNOt thing has really opened my eyes. Not just about how other people perceive me, but how I perceive myself. When it comes to the 1-10 scale of how attractive someone is, I gave myself somewhere between a 6.5 and a 7.5, depending on the day...an 8 if I really did myself up. Last time I gave you an update, 54 women had rated me with an average of 9.3. Now, 131 women have rated me and my average is a 9.4. If 131 women think I have an average rating of 9.4, then it's my perception of myself that's skewed.

I thought long and hard about this. What does acting like a 9.4 entail? I don't want to be some vain, arrogant asshole, but it certainly feels good to know that you look good and others think so, right? This is about confidence and self-esteem, not arrogance. I can still be my nice, fun self without beaming to everyone that I'm attractive so they should love me. But putting myself down and thinking I'm less attractive than I am and am therefore unable to attract a lot of women...well that's counter-productive! It's a self-fulfilling prophecy!

If I can learn to feel like a 9.4, secure and happy in my own skin, more girls will react, and I'll be less likely to do that clingy "don't leave me" type deal that I do all the time. So how can I learn to feel like a 9.4?

Well...I took a solid look at the picture I posted. It's professional, but not doctored. A good friend of mine in LA, a professional photographer, took the picture in his studio with a great camera and great lighting. It's basically a headshot. In the photo I'm dressed well, my hair's done nicely, I'm standing tall, chin up, small confident smile, easy eyes...I'm relaxed. I'm secure of myself.

That's the key.

I need to dress and groom myself and treat my body and mind like I'm a 9.4 at all times because I am a 9.4. When I'm not shaving and sluggin' around and wearing wrinkled clothes and not sitting up straight or holding my head high or smiling, of course people (and myself) are going to think I'm a 6 or a 7!

It's time to bring out the 9.4 and see what happens. :)

-Spontaneous K

P.S. I've been in the situation above, where you hear your brother having sex with a girl you like. NOT fun times.

My 20th Post

That's the music I want to play every single time I receive something awesome in my life. I want it to play and I want to be able to hold the item up really high with a delirious expression of achievement on my face, just like Link does. (If you can't see the above video, wait a minute, I'm working this post remotely.)

I have a confession to make. I'm a bigger nerd than you all think I am. And Scrubs is not my number one passion. So what takes the cake? What's my number one love that surpasses Scrubs and even OAOA?

Video Games. Mmmm. Particularly old school ones.

While life would be fun if it were like Scrubs, life would be even MORE awesome if it were like video games. If I could touch a flower that would allow me throw fireballs, or shoot a hookshot to the signpost across the street and have it pull me across, shit would be amazing. Life, of course, isn't like that, so I live vicariously. And that's why I have this blog with my internal commentary! Because when I do receive fun trinkets or great objects, the above sound plays in my head.

 
 

So what did I get? Well, it's a little boring compared to something like the Mirror Shield, but I've received some medication that's going to help me with some chronic symptoms that have been plaguing my life for the past eight weeks. Plaguing is not a hyperbole...I haven't talked much about it in my blog, because it's a little deeper than I'd like to get here, but the fact that I'm on the path to recovery is a happiness I can't explain. When I would feel really ill, it didn't matter who was thinking what about me, it didn't matter what OAOA was up to...it really wouldn't have mattered if she were there and comforting me because nothing could make it better. When it comes down to the hierarchy of needs, things regarding health, like thirst, hunger, breathing, and illness or physical pain, surpass all other "needs", including the "need" of another human being. As someone who has been perfectly healthy his whole 25 years, and for the first time thought life was potentially over, this is a great lesson for me to learn.

MY KARMA

The universe is not without it's irony. While I sit here day after day complaining and wondering about what to do with OAOA, I'm not the only human being that's having problems with their loved ones. For the past week or so, I've been receiving daily calls from my friend Edward in LA, not only to check on me, but to commiserate since he is also going through a tough break up. Then, at around 3:30am last night, I receive a phone call from my friend Katie (my actual best friend, not someone on and off), who had moved to Chicago back in August. When I answered the phone, she was crying. She had just broken up with the boy she moved there with, the boy she planned to marry. The love, it seemed, was no longer there, and they were no longer able to continue working at it. So I thought to myself: "She's one of my best friends, and this is the universe's way of telling me to pay it forward. She needs my help, and it doesn't matter that it's three in the morning. Comfort her and be there for her."

So I was. And she wished that he (her boyfriend) could sit there and comfort her when she needed it, just like I would at 3am.

I have what it takes to be an amazing boyfriend. I've got what it takes to be an amazing friend. So I'm taking these opportunities, especially ones like with OAOA, to improve flaws that keep romantic relationships from occurring.

I spent several hours talking to my new roommate Jess last night. She's very attractive, don't get me wrong, but I had no romantic attraction to her when I moved in, just a slight physical one. But the more we talked, the more we realized we have in common, as far as goals and dreams are concerned. We have a lot of fun. And it's nice to be able to come home to someone who says "Hi! How was your day?" or "Good morning!" when you wake up or "Good night!" when you go to bed.

Romantic roommate relationships are trouble. But we're only going to be roommates until May 31st. I'm not going to pursue anything, because I'm certainly enjoying what I've got...but there really is a time limit, and because of that, anything can happen.

And remember Tara from My Small World, the girl I met during snowmageddon? Well, I'm having drinks with her tonight. Not necessarily in a romantic manner, but still...new friends are great. :) And it's going to be during another snow storm no less.

As clearly stated by the title, this is my 20th Post. That's a small milestone for me, and I'm glad I made it here. I'm excited to see where posts 40, 60, 100, 200, and so forth bring me. As of right now, things are looking bright.

Thanks to all my readers and to all the new friends and old friends in my life. Going back one more time to my health...if I can manage to overcome what I've been through in the past two months...then there truly isn't anything I'm not capable of doing.

-Spontaneous K

My Old Cast

Scrubs is in it's ninth season. Naturally, because of its lengthy circuit through prime time, it's about time to switch up the cast.

When it comes to television series with characters that viewers have grown to love, it's a very difficult thing to watch them go and transition into seeing new characters face new problems in the same hospital, office, grocery store, what have you. Often times, the show itself flops shortly after the onslaught of a new cast.

Life, fortunately, isn't that way.

The good news is, I'm actually enjoying the new cast of Scrubs, and I find myself laughing out loud and hoping for the best for these characters (with the exception of Lucy Bennet. I really think they could have chosen a better replacemen for JD). And while it took some time for me to get used to the idea that JD, Elliot, Carla, Jordan, and even The Janitor, are no longer present, the new characters have gracefully filled their empty positions.

In my two previous posts, I spoke about new people who have recent popped into my life. Tim, a fellow co-worker with whom I had drinks and a wonderful time. Tara, the lovely accounting major with whom I shared coffee and a coincidental three hour conversation. And Jess and Josie, my soon to be new roommates.

I feel as though this is the first episode in my new season. Last season, I lost a few characters. People I loved dearly, and for reasons outside of my control, they are no longer in my life. It doesn't mean I don't miss them, because I do, very much so. But as I spoke of roles, and now appropriately speak of casts, I'm curious to follow the stories of these four, and how they fit into my story. Perhaps in a few episodes, I won't miss my old cast so much, because my new cast will have gathered the attention of my heart, and I'll be having adventures that I thought I could only have with my old cast.

I don't want to say that nothing is as good as the original. That may be true in the TV/Film world, but in life, the new people we meet can most definitely affect us in ways we'd never expect. It's never too late in life to meet your new best friend, your new arch enemy...or the one you're supposed to be with for the rest of your life (even if you already thought you met that person).

In that regard, the people who are no longer a part of my life, by their choice or choices outside of their control, I will always hold a special place in my heart for them. But I'm prepared to make a little bit more room in there for a potentially amazing new set of characters.

Stay tuned.

-Spontaneous K

My Small World

It's things like this that make me believe a little bit in Fate.

Humans are pre-programmed to make connections. It's the reason we believe in superstitions. Something very bad once happened to someone who walked under a ladder...or broke a mirror...or had a black cat cross his path. And back when magic was something to be believed in, these connections made sense.

So when coincidences like the one that happened to me this afternoon occur, it's no wonder we feel like there is something greater at work.

On this snowy Wednesday (oh my, have we had a lot of snow this season in Philadelphia), I was told not to come into work, so I decided to take advantage of the day to get some writing done. My local Starbucks was not open, so I opted for Cosi. It seemed most places weren't open because Cosi was PACKED.

Before waiting in line to order, I decided to would snag a table with an outlet by placing my laptop bag and coat there. It was the last one, although it was two tables put together, so it had four seats. Just as I placed my stuff down, a girl asked me very politely if she could sit with me, since she also needed an outlet and the place was packed.

How could I say no?

As I'm on the search for new friends, I decided to take advantage of this opportunity to chat with this girl. She, fortunately, was very open to chatting with me. And we chatted for a long while, discovering that we both had very similar interests. It just seemed to click. There weren't any romantic sparks or anything, at least not on my end, but the conversation was extremely fulfilling. And I've been trying to teach myself, especially when meeting women, that just because this person doesn't feel like they're "the one", doesn't mean that they're not, or that they don't have something amazing to offer me. They might even know "the one!"

Her name was Tara, and it turned out Tara and I had many more connections that we expected to. She goes to Temple...that's where I graduated. Okay, not too crazy, there are tons of people that go to Temple. She's Jewish. Also not so crazy. But when we started to talk about friends, family, and living situation, that's where things got strange.

I told Tara that at the end of the month I was moving into an apartment with two Temple Seniors. She asked who they were...I said I didn't even know their last names, I just know they are Jess and Josie.

That was all the info she needed. "Oh! I love Jess and Josie!"

She knew exactly who I was talking about. Even more coincidentally, when I had found their listing for the room on Craigslist, I didn't know that I had already been to their apartment. Their former roommate was a girl I was friends with in college. I didn't even have to see the place, I knew I loved it. Tara even knew their former roommate as well.

Tara also lives half a block from where I'm living right now.

How had we not met?

Even further, as I was talking about my family and what my brother does for a living, I mentioned that he recently got a job doing promotions at a club called Dusk in Atlantic City. Tara goes, "Oh wow, my Uncle owns Dusk."

If you think about it, every single moment in both our entire lives, every decision we've ever made, led us to sit down at that table at the same time. We were connected and we didn't even know it. So maybe Fate was playing a little part. As with my new friend whom I had drinks with last night, I can't be sure what role Tara has to play in my life, or what role I have to play in hers...but it was a nice little surprise. A nice step in a new direction.

You never know where a snowstorm might lead you. :)

-Spontaneous K