My First Steps Forward

I ran the full range of emotions last night. I ran the circle from depressed to denial, to anger, to bargaining, and after it was all said and done and time to go to sleep, boom...acceptance. For now.

From what I understand of myself, and even what some others have told me about their experiences, it's always a little numbing after something like this happens. The initial shock wears off rather quickly, and then you feel okay. Relieved even. "That wasn't that bad!" Until a few days later when the realization kicks it that this really did happen and it's going to be harder to deal with than you thought.

Well, I'm ready for that. Wouldn't be the first time. I did something stupid last night after OAOA and I said our final, final goodbyes. I contacted Firefly because I wanted some console. From the bottom of my heart, I know I wasn't trying to reignite any flames...I just wanted to talk to an old friend that would understand. Unfortunately, even in times of need, those you want to be there won't always be...I haven't heard back from her and most likely won't.

I was able to speak with one friend who is going through a bit of a break up himself, my boy Edward, who was like an older brother to me when I lived in LA. After listening attentively to each other's woes, he gave me the greatest compliment he's ever given me:

"Y'know why I like talking to you? Because you're so comfortable with how you feel that it makes me feel okay to feel what I'm feeling."

This calmed me in way you probably can't understand. As a guy who has difficulty masking his emotions to the outside world (often why I get called a girl...or gay), I've always been self-conscious about it. My feelings are way out there for everyone to see, whether I like it or not. I always viewed that as being vulnerable or melodramatic. But apparently to Edward, it's confidence and trust...it's acceptance. I am feeling how I feel and I'm okay enough to share it with the world. At least that's his perspective. I like it.

Moving onward the best I can, it's time to seek out a new cast (or let one come to me) and enjoy what I've got. Great friends, a great job, great family...not much else I could ask for. The love life will come. I just need to feel a little more comfortable in my own skin. Neediness, says Edward, is the greatest opposition to attraction. Once I'm fully confident and secure with myself on my own, that will be apparent to others, and they'll come to me.

I know this blog only has a view subscribers thus far, and I'm not even sure if they're reading it regularly...I just know that I've found myself really looking forward to writing a post each morning. I know someone will read this, even if it's just me down the line looking back, and they'll gain something from it.

I take my showers at night because I have trouble getting up in the morning. This morning I managed to get up to take that shower. I underestimated how refreshing a shower in the morning makes you feel.

I pick up the keys to my new apartment after work today.

Onward Ho! :)

-Spontaneous K

My Role as Friend

Times have been rough. I won't go particularly into detail about what's happened to me in the past seven weeks, but they've been seven of the hardest in my life. That's not to say that good things haven't happened to me. I've got a great new job, I'm moving into a new place shortly. Good things! But with the coming of new things...some old things must go.

Friends are fickle creatures, even if we believe them not to be. One true calamity can often reveal who is your friend and who isn't. It's not always who you think it is. When tragedy strikes, that's when you'll discover who understands and who doesn't. You'll find out who is really willing to stay by your side while you get through it all. And sometimes the people you want to stick around the most...and thought most definitely would...are the people who have just about had enough.

While talking with my friend Edward regarding my friendships and my personality type, he mentioned that he could truly only handle one "Spontaneous." Laughing, he mentioned how other people have come into his life with personalities like mine, and he would say to himself, "Sorry, but I've already got a friend like that."

I didn't take offense. I was glad! He's one of my best friends. But I understood that even though I have a lot to bring to the table in terms of good qualities, I can be a little overbearing. He thought about that himself...how perhaps since he can be loud and obnoxious (in that endearing way) that when people meet him, they often decide to have nothing to do with him, because they already have that loud and obnoxious friend. Likewise, when I meet people, sometimes they've already got that overbearing friend that they have to hoist up and care for more often than not.

Being that person is something I'm working on changing. But it made me realize that we choose our friends for a reason. Every person that we pick to be in our life fills a different role, a different need that we have. It's not selfish. It's not even conscious. It's just how it is.

Tonight, after speaking with Edward, I was headed out to have drinks with a guy at work, a guy I barely knew. I was a little down, because a girl I'm interested in had turned down the invite to join us. But as I thought more about the situation, it occurred to me that perhaps she canceled for a reason. Perhaps I needed to have a one on one with this guy. I thought to myself, "Who knows where this could lead. Maybe he's got a role to fill in my life."

The possibility of that excited me. I hadn't been excited to go out and have a genuine conversation with a new guy in a while.

It ended up being great. And while it may just be a budding friendship now, it could be an amazing friendship later. It's always sad to see friends leave, especially when you feel as though you could have done something to make it right...but you never know if it's just the world opening the door for the next person to enter your life.

-Spontaneous K