Dangerously On Again

I feel like I had the best sex of my life last night. And I didn't have sex.

This is why expectations are the worst ideas in the world. When you have great expectations, and they're not met, you're thrown into a bout of disappointment that's hard to pull yourself out of. When you have bad expectations, it paralyzes you and you can literally create the outcome you so vigorously feared.

I can honestly, truly say that this was the greatest weekend so far of 2010, even though it started out with a Panic Attack so epic that I thought my subsequent weeks to months were ruined. The reason my weekend ended up being so great was because I defied my own expectations.

Before I continue any further, I promise, promise for any new readers coming in, tonight I'm going to be placing TAGS on all my posts thus far, because my story is a pretty detailed one, and if you're jumping in straight in the middle, I wouldn't want you to have missed any of the good stuff. And things are just getting good again.

Spring's coming. It was almost 50 degrees this weekend and will almost be 60 today and tomorrow. I didn't even have any trouble waking up this morning. There wasn't a cloud in the sky. It's one of this sickeningly happy mornings that you only see in the movies. Since spring is just around the corner...let's consider this the end of Season 1 of [My Own Voice Over] and the premiere of Season 2.

See how I did that? Seasons? Because Spring is a season? Aren't I clever?

For anyone following, you're probably wondering how my evening went with OAOA. Things have been rocky and emotional between us to say the least, especially since the her trip to the ER, which I thought was an amazing time and actually wasn't.

Well last night actually was an amazing time.

We were going to the Continental Midtown, which is a snazzy joint, so I wanted to look nice, but I didn't want to get too dressed up, because I didn't want her to think it was a date. But I also didn't want to dress down too much so it would seem like I didn't care. I said "Screw it" and went with what I felt comfortable with. You can't go wrong with a nice button-down, jeans, and solid shoes.

It was a really nice, quiet evening at the Continental, low music, low lighting, small crowd...we found a cozy corner on a tiny couch, her sipping on a sweet Martini, me relishing in a glass of Cabernet, the both of us celebrating our recent career successes. There wasn't a moment we weren't smiling. There wasn't a moment we weren't giggling or joking or looking attentively into the others' eyes, listening as hard as we could to what the other had to say. We ordered cheesecake and shared it together. We took pictures of the two of us on our phones. I felt confident, secure, and alive...I felt happy.

I know she's not my girlfriend. I know she doesn't want that from me. And as much as I'm in love with her and want that from her, I haven't given up because I believed there was something worth saving in there, and that just because she was a female, doesn't mean she couldn't be one of the closest friends I have. The connection we have is one I haven't had with anyone else, and I know she feels the same, even though not in a romantic manner. Last night proved to myself that I respected her boundaries and gave her the space she wanted enough to trust me again...and maybe we really are "On Again" as best friends.

I know I make her out to be this confusing, wicked female on here sometimes, someone who is dead set on making my head spin, but I wasn't so wonderful to her either in the six months we've known each other. I've been overbearing, melodramatic, needy, clingy...all those things a girl never wants. The reason I believe we keep giving each other second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth chances is because we know there's something great there that shouldn't be discarded...it just needs to be worked on.

As I spoke of in My Role As Friend and also more privately discussed with My First Internet Enemy (whom I miss...Katie if you're reading this, come say hi!) everybody has a specific role in our lives, whether we realize it or not. And MFIE noted to me that while I'm looking for that one person to fill ALL my needs, find people that can fill singular needs in your life, and build and foundation that way.

OAOA fills a big role in my life...some way, some how. And I'm looking forward to see how Pam fits into the whole picture. :)

Happy Spring, all. It's going to be a good season. :)

-Spontaneous K

My Wishful Thinking

Last post I mentioned the blinding pain that almost always accompanies bliss. I'm experiencing that now. And no matter how many times I dream of having this wonderful connection with another human being, it always seems to end in me feeling like the world is crashing down upon me.

As My First Internet Enemy taught me, perceived emotions at face value may not be what you think they are at all. Someone who seems like a jerk at first may actually be someone nice, reaching out in a way you're just not used to. Unfortunately, the opposite is also true. Someone who seems happy and excited to be around you very well may not be.

I had a stressful weekend, but the time spent with My On and Off Again Best Friend made it all worth it. I can't begin to explain how happy I was when I was with her and how almost all my problems seemed to evaporate while we were laughing and having fun. She made it seem like she wanted us to be back to where we were. I truly thought that's what she wanted. Why else would she ask me to take her to the ER and then have dinner with me and then ask what I'm doing later in the week and ask if we were back to hanging out?

Am I missing something?

Well. It could have been what I said at the end of it all.

She and I are both extremely sensitive and over-analytical. We're the most sensitive and over-analytical people that we know. And because of that, we're constantly walking on eggshells around each other, especially since it's apparent there are higher feelings involved. This time around, I wanted us to really focus on that fact, knowing that we're like that, and just let it go. Stop worrying about what the other is thinking or feeling and just have fun.

There may not be a "this time around." We've said goodbye half a dozen times already. I'm not sure this is a chance I'm going to get.

Back to what I said at the end. As I was dropping her off and reveling in the gift she had given me, that's when she said "I'm not even sure if you're going to want it." Reminding you that it was a framed picture of her and I, I let her know that I truly did want it, and had wanted it since Christmas. And when she asked if we were back to hanging out again, I knew then and there that I had to say the right thing. I think I blew it.

I said yes. But I had mentioned being her friend on Facebook again and how I wanted to leave that up to her because I want it to be when she was ready. She didn't really give me an answer on it. I mentioned that I just wanted to have fun with her. And then we said goodbye and said we'd see each other later on in the week.

After I got home, I texted her telling her how thoughtful the gift was, and I thanked her for being my best friend. In retrospect, I realized how much pressure "best friend" sounded like.

I never got a response from that text. I called her the next day. No answer. No call back. At the end of the day, I decided to friend her on Facebook myself. Knowing she has an iPhone and is an avid Facebook user, I expected my phone to buzz rather quickly with the indication that she had accepted my request. I waited all night...my phone never buzzed.

That takes us to today. Where I've been panicking. I know her...I know her waaaaay too well, and when she's not responding to me, it's because I've said or done something that has made her uncomfortable. Due to the nature of our past, I wanted to hold out and just pretend that everything was okay, and not bother her to try and get out of her what's wrong, because she's not one to discuss it. She doesn't like confrontation. But I'm too much of a worrier to let it go. So I called her.

I was already beating myself up when the phone was ringing.

She answered, which was a good sign. When I mentioned I had asked her to be my friend on Facebook again, she questioned it, like she hadn't noticed. I'm not sure if it was a lie or not. She went on to say I sounded weird about it when I had mentioned it. Futher more, I went on to saying that we shouldn't worry about things, and that I just want to be her bud, I want things to go back to the way they were, and for us to work on not worrying about what the other thinks. I already knew I was digging myself a hole, because this sounded like a "relationship" conversation and she didn't want us to be in anything close to that. I asked her if she meant it when she said she wanted to see me later in the week. She said yes. But I have a feeling that will be canceled.

I took a walk around the building at work a couple times. I cried in the bathroom. I should have known better. This truly is my gift and my curse. I panicked when she's in my life and I'm miserable when she's not. I guess maybe it's just a curse.

It's funny how something as simple as a Facebook request or calling someone your best friend can change everything you had in mind. No matter how good the intentions. And by the way...still haven't been accepted as her friend on Facebook.

Here's a clip from "My Best Laid Plans" that fully illustrates how frustrating it can be when all you want is the best for those you love, but they just don't see it:

My Gift and My Curse

Spider-man reference! I am a nerd, I know.

I am a hopeless romantic. And I loooooove being a hopeless romantic, even if it often fills my heart with pain. How masochistic. How romantic.

Hopeless, in and of itself, by definition means completely and utterly without hope. So it's redundant for me to say that maybe I'm too much of a hopeless romantic. What does being a hopeless romantic do for me? Well, it fuels my imagination and my passions, for one thing. It gives me a reason to write my stories, and it gives me a reason to live my life. It's an uninhibited endless search for all things beautiful and the ultimate sacrifice that is true love.

Yes, that does sound quite romantic, doesn't it?

Sure, those ideas get me all warm and fuzzy inside. They get the butterflies all riled up. The adrenaline pumps at the exciting thoughts and possibilities of having another human being with whom to share your life experiences. And not even just share, but share with passion and grace. We (hopeless romantics) yearn for that indescribable connection that makes us feel like we're whole.

But I suppose that would lead me into the curse part of my gift. We're already whole...so why do we feel like we're not?

When I started this blog, I did have a bit of a theme in mind when going for the voice over lessons that JD would give in Scrubs, but I didn't expect myself to keep going with the correlation and differences between television (or film) and life. Considering I'm a storyteller, that's just how I view the world, through the lens of a story. So I suppose it's natural my blog ended up being this way. Continuing on with that thought...every television show (well, most of them, but DEFINITELY sitcoms) all have their protagonist and that protagonist's "one."

You can tell is from the first episode usually. Doesn't matter how long it takes, we have no idea if the show is going to last one season or ten...but JD is going to end up with Elliot, no matter how many times they break up or how much bullshit they go through. Ross was going to end up with Rachel. Jim was going to end up with Pam. And even though we know this going in, we love to see couples get together. Why? Because we want that for ourselves. When they feel it, we feel it. That's why we get involved in stories in the first place.

Life, unfortunately, isn't as explicit when it comes to who is going to end up with who. Yes, people have love at first sight moments, but there isn't a situation in history where a bunch of people look at a man and a woman who meet for the first time and go "Shit, those two are going to end up together!"

Much like the characters in the show, though, we don't know with whom we're going to end up. I've THOUGHT after meeting some people that they were going to be my Elliot, Rachel, or Pam. But you can never be sure. And to some...to me...that's a frustrating notion. I know I'm young, but that requited love, that hopelessly romantic connection, hasn't happened for me yet, at least not for longer than a very brief period. And it makes me wonder if my curse is too...cursey.

My Internet Enemy actually became an internet friend, and we had a discussion on this topic. This was brought up because she's a Swagger Coach at www.e-swagger.com, so I thought she might have advice on my woman woes. When I wrote my post about roles in friendship, I didn't realize how close to the point I was. It's true, most people don't feel "whole". They need people, activities, experiences to make them feel alive and worthwhile. And while buddhist monks try to reach wholeness within themselves by months of solitude and meditation, and other religious folks fill themselves through whatever god they worship, those of us who aren't as spiritual or religious need some other means. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against any belief in a higher power. It's beautiful. It's romantic. And I believe in a higher power...not one of any religious texts, but I do. Unfortunately, it doesn't provide me with that wholeness. Maybe I'm not believing hard enough.

Excusing that tangent and getting back to my Frenemy and her point...she didn't tell me to stop looking for someone to fill that place in my heart, as most people in my life have suggested. She insisted that I stop looking for one person that's going to fill ALL my needs. Start understanding myself and what it is that I'm lacking in my life, make a list, and see if I can find a person who can fill one or two of those things. Find people to fill specific roles in your life. This isn't as systematic and artificial as it sounds...we all do it unconsciously. Everyone in our lives is there for a reason, whether we acknowledge it or not. We all get something out of those in our lives. And until we can find someone who does have all those qualities we're looking for, we can singular ones in many different people.

They're called friends.

I've got quite a few good ones of those. So maybe I'm a lot more gifted than I am cursed. Maybe that means I really shouldn't worry about the "ones" that haven't worked.

-Spontaneous K

My First Internet Enemy

All this talk about a new cast...it wouldn't be complete without an enemy. I can't be for sure if she's a character that's going to stick around or not, but at the moment, she's firing at me.

I just joined a network called 20 Something Bloggers. It's just what it sounds like. It's an online community of 20-somethings who all have something they want to say, and have the right to say. So there's no reason why this girl, her name is Katie, shouldn't strike me down for what I've written in my about me page.

She apparently didn't like that I was envious of all of JD's girlfriend's on scrubs. And based on that, she automatically assumed that I was not spontaneous. I may or may not be truly Spontaneous...it was a nickname that a great friend of mine dubbed me a couple years ago, it stuck, and I really liked it. So, for the sake of a little bit of anonymity, I chose to use that as my pseudonym.

I wrote a piece not long ago, a note, that I posted to facebook. The subject was about artists and why we do what we do. It was also about perception, and taking the rejections with as much grace as you take the praise.

I didn't start this blog to make enemies. I didn't join 20 something bloggers to make enemies. I did it for the exact opposite...to make friends! Nothing that I've written was intended to offend anyone. But, you can never predict quite how someone is going to react.





And sometimes I shouldn't take things at face value. She just revealed she was kidding. Oops. I guess I can save the "My First Internet Enemy" title for later. :)

-Spontaneous K