My Utter Confusion/My Call For Help

I'm trying not to do double titles here, since Scrubs never did that...but this morning calls for desperate measures. Anyone out there who's reading my blog, and I know you're mostly twenty-somethings, please, I need some assistance here. This isn't a pathetic cry for comments, I'm quite happy with the amount that I get, I just don't know what to do right now.

So, if you've been following, you know all about My On And Off Again Best Friend (OAOA), My Wishful Thinking, My Wishful Thinking Part II, and My First Steps Forward.

For those who haven't been following, I've basically got a girl messing with my heart who I thought came back into my life for a brief moment, upset me by raising my hopes by having a great time with me and giving me a gift, and then dropping off the face of the earth again, saying it was too much too soon.

She wanted her space. Like a gentleman, I obliged.

For the first time since I've known her, she didn't allow me to see her before she went away for a little while. This weekend she took a trip to Atlanta until March 2nd. In the past five months, every time we had to go away, even if it was for a long weekend, she'd make sure she got to see me.

Not this time.

That really put the nail in the coffin for me. I thought it was done. She can come to me when she wants me, I guess, but my friends are telling me to let it go for good.

I had half a mind to unfriend her from Facebook. But I didn't. Because I don't like saying goodbye to people. I like to try to make things work. Although, I'll admit, I'm impatient.

The day after we said goodbye last week, my Facebook status was "Picking up the keys to my new apartment tonight. Life changes. Onward Ho!"

She "liked" my status. Why? Why would she do that? I tried not to over think it. Did she like that I was moving? Did she like that I was accepting that life changes and that I was planning on moving on from her? I don't know. I tried to ignore it the best I could. And I did.

This morning, my phone buzzes. It's a Facebook message. From her. Asking me "How was the move?"

That's all. Short, simple. But SO FREAKIN' COMPLICATED AT THE SAME TIME? Why? Why is she doing this to me? She wants me, but she doesn't want me. She cares, but she wants to care from far away. Do I answer? Do I ignore it completely and let her really drop out of my life for good? I don't know what to do. My friends say she's toxic, my family says she's toxic, and while I admit (clearly from this blog) that we have problems, they are problems I want to fix, because I love her.

Within the first 30 seconds of receiving the message, I wanted to reply. I didn't know with what. I didn't know if I should just say "The move was fine," and leave it at that. I didn't know if I should give her in depth details about how I'm liking my room and my roommates. I didn't know if I should be like "OAOA, what are you doing? You said you wanted space and it's been three days." Is she testing me?

I'm at a loss. I don't know which action to take next. I don't know what she's trying to do, whether it's genuinely find out if my move went okay because she cares, or if she's trying to get back in.

I DON'T KNOW.

And it's totally ruined my morning. Somebody please help.

-Spontaneous K

My Wishful Thinking, Part II

For those just tuning in, please read My Wishful Thinking, Part I.

This is my second post in one day. (My Sleepless Nights, Part II does not count.) So something must be going on.

There's one major reason why OAOA and I just don't work as a couple. If we had never been intimate, we would have worked great as best friends, and I'll tell you why in a second. But as a couple, we were doomed, unless she was willing to accept my help...which right now it seems she's not.

I am someone who is not only very good at communicating how I feel, but I don't even know how to not communicate how I feel. I must get it out of me. If I try and hold it in, my body feels like it's going to explode. Seriously. My emotions create some pretty amazing physical symptoms, and I need to express what's going on inside of me. I do that verbally or through writing, but I can very succinctly describe what I want and how I'm feeling.

People who cannot communicate how they feel frustrate me. They frustrate me not only because I cannot understand why they cannot communicate how they feel, since I've always been able to (I'm working on being more empathetic in this manner) but also because I can sense how people are feeling. When I know someone, if I feel a connection with them, I know exactly what they're feeling almost to the point that I can express it for them. And sometimes I do. And sometimes that amazes people.

OAOA is someone who has an extreme impediment when it comes to talking about how she feels. But she loved talking to me and communicating with me because I could sense her...I understood where she was coming from, she opened up to me, because for whatever reason, I connected with her and I felt the same things she did, and I was able to communicate them and she wasn't. That's why she latched on to me. In the beginning.

When the lines of romance got crossed, though, I became someone she couldn't confide in because her feelings were about me. That's when she would shift her social patterns and her body language, all of which I could read to the "t", and I would literally have to pry out of her what was wrong. Sometimes that would take me days to a week. And during those days I would feel so much sadness, anger, frustration, guilt, and fear that I was almost incapacitated. I was like that because she wasn't letting me know what was going on. She felt all those same emotions...because she was unable to tell me what was going on.

Imagine playing "20 Questions" but already knowing the answer, and it's about how someone you love can't be around you. It's not fun.

That's why I had the dreams I had last night. That's why I haven't been right since I saw her last Saturday. Because I knew how she was feeling, and she wouldn't tell me. She's not comfortable with me yet. She wants her space. And when I asked her why she couldn't just tell me that, she straight up said (via text, because she hates talking when she's uncomfortable) "Because I can't communicate how I'm feeling."

So there she goes. Off again. Until she's ready. Which may be never. I want to say I feel like I've blown my chances, but at the same time I'm not sure this could have gone down any other way. Two people like us were bound to interact in such a way, right?

Doesn't make me any less sad that she's gone. Because I love her. I do. And there's nothing worse in life than not being able to be with the ones you love.

At least I was able to handle the situation with grace, and I didn't allow all the anger and frustration I've been feeling since the weekend become apparent. I was noble and honest, and said I wanted the best for her. Which, right now, meant me not being around. I really hate when that's what's best.

I helped her all the time. With everything. Whenever she needed it. And I truly believed I could help her learn to communicate how she was feeling. Maybe in an imagined future.

For now...I'm really sad.

That's all.

-Spontaneous K

My Wishful Thinking

Last post I mentioned the blinding pain that almost always accompanies bliss. I'm experiencing that now. And no matter how many times I dream of having this wonderful connection with another human being, it always seems to end in me feeling like the world is crashing down upon me.

As My First Internet Enemy taught me, perceived emotions at face value may not be what you think they are at all. Someone who seems like a jerk at first may actually be someone nice, reaching out in a way you're just not used to. Unfortunately, the opposite is also true. Someone who seems happy and excited to be around you very well may not be.

I had a stressful weekend, but the time spent with My On and Off Again Best Friend made it all worth it. I can't begin to explain how happy I was when I was with her and how almost all my problems seemed to evaporate while we were laughing and having fun. She made it seem like she wanted us to be back to where we were. I truly thought that's what she wanted. Why else would she ask me to take her to the ER and then have dinner with me and then ask what I'm doing later in the week and ask if we were back to hanging out?

Am I missing something?

Well. It could have been what I said at the end of it all.

She and I are both extremely sensitive and over-analytical. We're the most sensitive and over-analytical people that we know. And because of that, we're constantly walking on eggshells around each other, especially since it's apparent there are higher feelings involved. This time around, I wanted us to really focus on that fact, knowing that we're like that, and just let it go. Stop worrying about what the other is thinking or feeling and just have fun.

There may not be a "this time around." We've said goodbye half a dozen times already. I'm not sure this is a chance I'm going to get.

Back to what I said at the end. As I was dropping her off and reveling in the gift she had given me, that's when she said "I'm not even sure if you're going to want it." Reminding you that it was a framed picture of her and I, I let her know that I truly did want it, and had wanted it since Christmas. And when she asked if we were back to hanging out again, I knew then and there that I had to say the right thing. I think I blew it.

I said yes. But I had mentioned being her friend on Facebook again and how I wanted to leave that up to her because I want it to be when she was ready. She didn't really give me an answer on it. I mentioned that I just wanted to have fun with her. And then we said goodbye and said we'd see each other later on in the week.

After I got home, I texted her telling her how thoughtful the gift was, and I thanked her for being my best friend. In retrospect, I realized how much pressure "best friend" sounded like.

I never got a response from that text. I called her the next day. No answer. No call back. At the end of the day, I decided to friend her on Facebook myself. Knowing she has an iPhone and is an avid Facebook user, I expected my phone to buzz rather quickly with the indication that she had accepted my request. I waited all night...my phone never buzzed.

That takes us to today. Where I've been panicking. I know her...I know her waaaaay too well, and when she's not responding to me, it's because I've said or done something that has made her uncomfortable. Due to the nature of our past, I wanted to hold out and just pretend that everything was okay, and not bother her to try and get out of her what's wrong, because she's not one to discuss it. She doesn't like confrontation. But I'm too much of a worrier to let it go. So I called her.

I was already beating myself up when the phone was ringing.

She answered, which was a good sign. When I mentioned I had asked her to be my friend on Facebook again, she questioned it, like she hadn't noticed. I'm not sure if it was a lie or not. She went on to say I sounded weird about it when I had mentioned it. Futher more, I went on to saying that we shouldn't worry about things, and that I just want to be her bud, I want things to go back to the way they were, and for us to work on not worrying about what the other thinks. I already knew I was digging myself a hole, because this sounded like a "relationship" conversation and she didn't want us to be in anything close to that. I asked her if she meant it when she said she wanted to see me later in the week. She said yes. But I have a feeling that will be canceled.

I took a walk around the building at work a couple times. I cried in the bathroom. I should have known better. This truly is my gift and my curse. I panicked when she's in my life and I'm miserable when she's not. I guess maybe it's just a curse.

It's funny how something as simple as a Facebook request or calling someone your best friend can change everything you had in mind. No matter how good the intentions. And by the way...still haven't been accepted as her friend on Facebook.

Here's a clip from "My Best Laid Plans" that fully illustrates how frustrating it can be when all you want is the best for those you love, but they just don't see it: