Dangerously On Again

I feel like I had the best sex of my life last night. And I didn't have sex.

This is why expectations are the worst ideas in the world. When you have great expectations, and they're not met, you're thrown into a bout of disappointment that's hard to pull yourself out of. When you have bad expectations, it paralyzes you and you can literally create the outcome you so vigorously feared.

I can honestly, truly say that this was the greatest weekend so far of 2010, even though it started out with a Panic Attack so epic that I thought my subsequent weeks to months were ruined. The reason my weekend ended up being so great was because I defied my own expectations.

Before I continue any further, I promise, promise for any new readers coming in, tonight I'm going to be placing TAGS on all my posts thus far, because my story is a pretty detailed one, and if you're jumping in straight in the middle, I wouldn't want you to have missed any of the good stuff. And things are just getting good again.

Spring's coming. It was almost 50 degrees this weekend and will almost be 60 today and tomorrow. I didn't even have any trouble waking up this morning. There wasn't a cloud in the sky. It's one of this sickeningly happy mornings that you only see in the movies. Since spring is just around the corner...let's consider this the end of Season 1 of [My Own Voice Over] and the premiere of Season 2.

See how I did that? Seasons? Because Spring is a season? Aren't I clever?

For anyone following, you're probably wondering how my evening went with OAOA. Things have been rocky and emotional between us to say the least, especially since the her trip to the ER, which I thought was an amazing time and actually wasn't.

Well last night actually was an amazing time.

We were going to the Continental Midtown, which is a snazzy joint, so I wanted to look nice, but I didn't want to get too dressed up, because I didn't want her to think it was a date. But I also didn't want to dress down too much so it would seem like I didn't care. I said "Screw it" and went with what I felt comfortable with. You can't go wrong with a nice button-down, jeans, and solid shoes.

It was a really nice, quiet evening at the Continental, low music, low lighting, small crowd...we found a cozy corner on a tiny couch, her sipping on a sweet Martini, me relishing in a glass of Cabernet, the both of us celebrating our recent career successes. There wasn't a moment we weren't smiling. There wasn't a moment we weren't giggling or joking or looking attentively into the others' eyes, listening as hard as we could to what the other had to say. We ordered cheesecake and shared it together. We took pictures of the two of us on our phones. I felt confident, secure, and alive...I felt happy.

I know she's not my girlfriend. I know she doesn't want that from me. And as much as I'm in love with her and want that from her, I haven't given up because I believed there was something worth saving in there, and that just because she was a female, doesn't mean she couldn't be one of the closest friends I have. The connection we have is one I haven't had with anyone else, and I know she feels the same, even though not in a romantic manner. Last night proved to myself that I respected her boundaries and gave her the space she wanted enough to trust me again...and maybe we really are "On Again" as best friends.

I know I make her out to be this confusing, wicked female on here sometimes, someone who is dead set on making my head spin, but I wasn't so wonderful to her either in the six months we've known each other. I've been overbearing, melodramatic, needy, clingy...all those things a girl never wants. The reason I believe we keep giving each other second, third, fourth, fifth, and sixth chances is because we know there's something great there that shouldn't be discarded...it just needs to be worked on.

As I spoke of in My Role As Friend and also more privately discussed with My First Internet Enemy (whom I miss...Katie if you're reading this, come say hi!) everybody has a specific role in our lives, whether we realize it or not. And MFIE noted to me that while I'm looking for that one person to fill ALL my needs, find people that can fill singular needs in your life, and build and foundation that way.

OAOA fills a big role in my life...some way, some how. And I'm looking forward to see how Pam fits into the whole picture. :)

Happy Spring, all. It's going to be a good season. :)

-Spontaneous K

My On and Off Again Best Friend

There are some people you say you'd do anything for. And then there's some people you'd actually do anything for.

And there's never more than one of these people in your life at any given time. But when they're there...you find yourself doing crazy things that you won't find crazy. Because they're for that person.

Mine just came back into my life. (She's a girl, by the way. Usually these people are of the opposite sex. Unless you're a homosexual. Which is fine. It's the nature of the phenomenon I'm going for here.) And she brought up this notion while I was sitting in the ER with her.

The purpose of her ER visit really wasn't an emergency. She had scraped her ankle on a metal cart two days prior and her parents were insisting she go to the ER to get a tetanus shot. And she told me it was insanely nice for me to take her to the ER and sit with her, for something as little as that. I thought hard about that...because if I wanted to go to the ER for something as little as that...well, I'm not sure I would have found anyone to go with me. Except for maybe her.

She and I hadn't spoken for about two months and were very recently getting back into exchanging words. The cause of our silence?

Well...it's a long story. Let's just say this girl could be my Elliot. Or my Rachel. Or my Pam. The "One" that I'll end up with at the end of my series. I've made out with this girl before. Our emotional lines have been crossed. We're not sure where we stand. We just know that we connect on some insane level.

When we're both not being completely neurotic, anxiety-ridden, emotional twenty-somethings.

She was at home, by herself, car-less, when her parents freaked her out enough to consider the ER. And since we were texting a bit at the time, she texts me "Um...do you think you'd be interested in taking me to the ER?"

Of course, I was at her beck and call.

Normally, this would be fine, I'd take any friend to the ER. But this is what I mean when I say "do anything for." She really didn't need to go to the ER. I had just gotten my pupils dilated from the eye doctor, so I couldn't even see straight. Philadelphia just had the most wicked snowstorm, so I didn't even know if I could make it to her place.

But I went anyway.

And we've got to be the only people who have ever sat in the ER for three and a half hours, laughing, catching up, and having the time of our lives together. My heart stood still when she said the words, "I've missed you."

I had missed her too. And while this was dangerous territory we were stepping back into, I couldn't help but be reminded the message of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (if you haven't seen the movie, spoilers ahead, so be forewarned.)

Joel and Clementine fall in love, fall out of love, erase their memories so they can move on, meet again, fall in love again, discover they've had their memories erased because their relationship didn't work, but they decide to go ahead with the relationship again anyway...knowing it won't work.


Why do they do this? Because that connection, those memories, those times where it's just that amazing and cannot happen with anyone else...those are worth the terrible, painful emotions that often accompany such bliss.

As I dropped her off at home, she told me she had my Christmas present that she had been holding onto for me since we said goodbye. It was a framed picture of her and I for my new desk and my new job. So it would feel like home.

It will now.

I can't be sure what's going to happen in the future for us. Whether the friendship will be too hard to bear, whether it will work nice and easy, or whether we'll decide to take that leap into a full-blown relationship. I just know I'm willing to take the risk.

-Spontaneous K