My New Name Is Michael

I had a not so strange feeling of deja vu on Tuesday when Kate canceled on me due to pink eye. It was the same feeling I felt a few weeks prior when I had this incredibly awesome day with OAOA planned and then her sister was unfortunately struck by a vehicle while riding her bike. In my brain, I stood there shaking my fist at the universe, screaming on the inside "This isn't FAIR!"

 

And why is it not?

 

I wanted to protest. I felt myself slipping back into that negative pattern of "Fuck you world. If I can't do what I want, then I won't do anything."

 

But I wasn't going to let myself do it again. I realized very quickly what was happening, and a friend even decided to bring it to my attention as well by responding to my childish facebook status sarcastically thanking the universe for not cutting me a break. My friend wrote "The universe is probably writing on its wall write now about how K has unreasonable expectations of it."

 

Touche.

 

He was right. I was angry because what I wanted to happen didn't happen. For 24 hours, I ran through the possibility of an awesome date with this girl, leading into an awesome honeymoon phase of a relationship, and then into a serious, full-blown couple. I had weeks to months of our future already planned. And when the date didn't happen, the whole thing came crashing down as an impossibility. It wasn't just a date I was losing, it was a whole future! No wonder I was so distraught!

 

So...Lesson #1 from this experience: Managing expectations. Eliminating outcome based thinking. Focus on the task at hand and what's right in front of me instead of unreasonable futures. That way, not only is "failure" less likely, but so is disappointment.

 

I label it #1, because I learned a few things through this, things I probably could have learned when I went through this with OAOA. But sometimes you need to make a mistake more than once before it finally hits you.

 

Lesson #2: Stop waiting for the universe to provide me with what I want. Another reason I got so upset when the date didn't work out is because I didn't know when I'd get another date, and when I did, I'd have to start all over from the beginning again. That's always frustrating and scary. For most of my life, I've sat around waiting for the universe to provide me with the perfect circumstance to meet a woman. I've been waiting for that serendipitous moment where we're placed at the same place at the same time and I have just the right thing to say that is going to spark the greatest relationship of my life. I've been waiting for that house party where I'm comfortable enough to talk to someone, that friend to introduce me to someone, the job that's going to allow me to work with the right girl...

 

I've always HATED it when people have told me "Stop looking for it. It will come when you least expect it."

 

I'm almost convinced at this point that it's bullshit. That moment isn't coming. The universe isn't going to give me anything. If I want it, I have to do what other successful people do when they wanted something. I have to GO OUT AND GET IT. That means stepping out of my little comfort bubble and exposing myself to failures and rejections.

 

At first, I told myself I was going to ask out one girl every single day. I would put myself out there, find a random girl I was attracted to, and push myself to ask her out. Eventually, I wouldn't fear doing it, it would feel natural, and not only would I learn how to talk with women, but I wouldn't worry so much if I got turned down, because I know exactly when the next opportunity is coming. Whenever I choose it.

 

However, after I walked in and out of my apartment three times and into the sushi place below and bought some sushi that I didn't even want in order to psych myself up to talk to a pretty girl sitting by herself...I realized maybe I was aiming too high too quickly. Asking out a girl every single day is a high order.

 

I consulted with my friend Edward, my former roommate from Los Angeles and someone I trust with all my heart. He's the closest thing to a pick up artist that I know. He can pick up a woman any day of the week and be making out with her within hours. I've seen him do it, and it's pretty ridiculous. He's been wanting to show me how to be more comfortable in my own skin for years now, but I've been too afraid to step out of my bubble. Now, though, I felt like I was finally ready for his advice.

 

He told me that for my first assignment, I have to talk to one girl for a couple minutes every day for 21 days straight. If I miss a day, I have to start over from day one. I have to do it for 21 days in a row for it to become a habit. So I agreed. He also told me to change my name, as I'm transforming myself and I need to put my old name behind me, since there are negative connotations attached to it. I wasn't so sure about changing my name. I didn't even know what to change it to. I told him that on my blog, I call myself "Spontaneous K"...and maybe "K" would be a really cool way to introduce myself to women. He disagreed and told me to go with Michael, my middle name. I argued with him, telling him that I thought "K" was better.

 

He responded with "This is why I'll never be able to work with you. You put up walls when there's something you don't want to do."

 

He was right. And I realized it immediately. This wasn't the first time I've done this either. So I said to him: "You're right. I'll go with Michael. I trust you."

 

He was excited. I was excited. I'm going to document each day here on my blog, and also give Edward a written summary of what I did and said so he can evaluate and I can learn. I'm ready to do something different so I can finally be different.

 

Lesson #3: Eliminate the word "should" from my vocabulary. I actually suggest that everyone do this. The word "should" creates not only a feeling of pressure and guilt, but it creates an unnecessary dichotomy in the mind, where whatever you should have done or should be doing is the only "right" thing, and ever other option is completely wrong. This creates instantaneous failure. And rarely is the world so cut and dry. Rarely is there one "right" thing to do. It's better to ask yourself? "What would I like to do? What's the respectful thing to do? What's the compassionate thing to do? How would the other person feel about this?"

 

Should will only get me into trouble, and HAS gotten me into trouble. Like "Kate shouldn't have gotten pink eye. We should have gone on this date." or "OAOA's sister shouldn't have been hit by that car. I should've gotten to see OAOA." By saying those things, I'm making every other scenario a complete disaster. That's no way to think.

 

So...I'm going to think differently. As Michael. And you'll see my progress here.

 

-K

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I swear to god the universe hates me.

Kate canceled due to an acute case of Pink Eye which has kept her home from work all day. No sign of rescheduling.

Just...fuck.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Over-Analyzation and A Pastry Chef - The Possible Start of Something New

I'm alright. Yesterday's post was a little dramatic and panicky, but I'm alright. I took a break while I was at work to give Katie a call so I could explain my crisis to a friend, and she told me, in so many words: "Dude, you can't think about all that stuff."

 

She's right. Mostly because the questions to which I'm seeking answers either a.) don't have answers, or b.) the answers are whatever I want them to be.

 

That's a shit-ton of a pressure for someone who isn't ready to have those questions answered. So Katie's simple solution was "Accept that you don't have the answers, and don't worry about it. I mean, sure, you might want to try and be more aware of what you're like when you're meeting new people or something like that, but thinking about what you look like when you're eating soup? That's too much."

 

That sounds out of context, but it's not. I had a moment at Passover dinner the other night where I was eating soup and I suddenly became extraordinarily self-aware and thought to myself "What am I doing right now? Without even thinking, I'm taking a spoon and lifting hot liquid into my mouth and swallowing it into my stomach so I can not be hungry. That's kind of weird."

 

Yes, I agree, it's too much to be thinking about.

 

Alas, I continued about my day as happily as I could. I went to the gym, I felt great, I developed ideas for how to continue my screenplay, the weather was gorgeous, so I tried my very best to just...be.

 

And then I got one of those phone calls that changes your whole day...possibly even your whole life...yet you don't realize it until much later.

 

On the way home from work, I got a phone call from my friend Richie. I hadn't talked to him in a while, something that I felt bad about, and I thought he may think I didn't want to be friends, so I was happy to see him calling me. When I answered, he sounded quite happy, which was great. After asking me how I was, he proceeded with "So, you want to hear something crazy?"

 

"Always," was my response. He continued on to warn me that this was really crazy, and while I couldn't imagine how crazy it could possibly be, I was ready for it. However, right before I gave him a chance to tell me, the craziest thing I could think of popped into my brain. And my intuition was right. "You're getting married."

 

"Yup!"

 

I freaked out on the street, in a happy way of course. Richie is someone I've known since I was 13, and we've both had some really shitty women problems. I thought he and the girl he had been dating had only been together for about 6 months, but it was coming up on a year. So, when he told me that he was getting married, I was ecstatic. What made me even more happy is that despite all the "woe is me" that I do, especially when I find that others are in serious relationships (i.e. my twin sister), I was truly, genuinely happy for Richie. There wasn't a tinge of jealousy. I couldn't get over how amazing that was for him, because I know he's struggled like I have.

 

Here's the kicker. The girl he's marrying he met on okCupid, a free online dating website. I've been on eHarmony...paying...for 10 months now with obviously no luck. Prior to that, I've tried them all...Match.com, JDate, Plentyoffish, you name it, I've tried it. And PAID for it. One of the reasons I avoided the free sites was because there were a lot of spammers, scammers, and people who weren't really serious about looking for someone. Richie's story, however, made me think twice about okCupid, and he said to me with as much conviction as he could "Kev, get off eHarms and get on okCupid."

 

So I did. And I ended up having an hour long conversation with a gorgeous 27-year old pastry chef named Kate who lives eight blocks away from me and has a predilection toward Jewish boys. We have a date tonight. And I hardly slept because I was so excited. I was excited because it was...easy. We started talking, and it just didn't stop. It felt right. And for the first time, I wasn't thinking to myself "That was too easy, something's going to go wrong," or "That was too easy, there's gotta be a catch," I was thinking "That was really easy, the way that it should be. And I deserve this."

 

I'll let you all know how it goes. :)

 

-Spontaneous K

My Existential Crisis

Remember when I saw that existential crisis approaching and I had that JD-esque fantasy of my brain ejecting itself from my skull to avoid said oncoming crisis?

 

Yeah, well, unfortunately my brain did not eject itself and I'm currently there...in crisis mode.

 

By nature, I am curious. I question the world around me, I like to figure out how things work so I can understand them better. I just want to understand. However, the older I get and the more complicated life becomes, not only do the questions pile on exponentially but their answers become more and more vague. I'm discovering that the more you understand, the more there actually is to understand. You answer one question only to unearth fifteen more, each just as mind-boggling as the one you just answered (that is, if you truly trust that you've answered it in the first place).

 

I have questions. A lot of them.

 

Who am I? How did I get where I am? Where am I going? What am I supposed to be doing? Am I supposed to be doing anything? What is my purpose? Does anybody have a purpose? Is this the way that life should be? Should life be any specific way? Can I change? What can I change into? 

 

I've asked myself these questions before, but this post-OAOA reflection brought about by several friends pointing at me and asking "Who are you without someone?" and me being unable to answer it has catapulted my thoughts into an ocean of uncertainty.

 

Does this happen to everyone? Is this normal for my age? Is it happening to me early? Is this happening to me too late? Where do I stand in comparison to everyone else? What does it mean to be happy? What am I searching for? Is it outside of me or inside of me?

 

What the fuck is going on?

 

I look back at my life and feel like I've lived about seven different lives. What happened to those? How did those add up to where I am and who I am now? I am beyond puzzled. Everything I look at in my life seems foreign. The people, the places, the sights, the sounds, they're right here in front of me, they're familiar, yet they're distant and unwelcoming. I recognize the faces of my friends and family but when I look deeper I find myself asking "Who are they? When did they become who I'm looking at right now?"

 

The people, the objects, the ideas that I once had that I believed defined me, they don't exist in my life anymore, so now I'm lost. And I feel like one of the reasons I'm desperately searching for a significant other is because I'm DYING for someone I trust to tell me what I should or shouldn't be doing, simply because I don't trust myself to answer any of the questions I've poised here in this post.

 

I'm becoming keenly aware of my own mortality. Not only do I know my days are limited, but it feels like I'm getting swept away by the raging river of time, faster and faster, and that my limited days are actually coming to and end rather quickly.

 

It feels like panic. It feels like a crisis. It feels like every second that I sit here trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing or feeling, I'm wasting.

 

I'm an adult and I don't feel like one. I'm jealous of my nephew because my mother gives him the attention that I want. I'm 25 and I still want attention from my mother.

 

I'm supposed to be flying, soaring, happy, full-grown and on my own. But I'm not. And I'm not allowed to depend on her or anyone else anymore. I have to depend on myself. But I don't trust myself because I don't know who I am or what I want or what I'm capable of.

 

I have no fucking clue where to go from here.

 

-K

My Absence

I feel like a gopher peeking my head out of its hole to make sure everything is safe before I come out again.

 

*wind blows silently*

 

All's good.

 

I know. I've taken a short break from blogging around these parts. And I spoke to my roommate Jess about it. I told her how every since I said my final goodbye to OAOA (which I've held strong for a week now, doing good!), I haven't had much to say. My life, I felt, wasn't particularly exciting or interesting enough to write about on here. That may or may not be true. I'm sure I could've found something noteworthy to write about had I really sat down to try, but truth be told...I really had little to say.

 

But Jess assured me that that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. My life had no drama. That's ok.

 

And after a weekend of listening to a bunch of friends rant and cry to me about their relationship problems, it struck me that being single definitely has its perks. I have this notion in my mind that a relationship (the right one) will be this perfect, blissful experience, where we're always happy and life is fantastic and nothing can stop us.

 

Quite romantic. Quite unrealistic. Even the most loving of couples have their epic fail moments, the times where you wish you truly weren't "Him and Her" but just "Him" or "Her."

 

The idea of being in a relationship has become even more crucial in my mind because I'm unconsciously racing with my siblings. I'm the only one in my family not married or on the verge of getting married. I haven't even started the race. I'm still at the starting line, waiting for a partner to come along so we can bolt and catch up. What does it mean for me that I'm the only one in my family that doesn't have a significant other that wants to spend the rest of their life with me? Does that mean there's something inherently wrong with me?

 

No. It actually doesn't mean anything. It means I'm taking my own path, and my own time. And from an outsider's perspective...my perspective that is...my siblings look happy. Their lives look together. My mother, however, reassures me that none of my siblings lives are perfect, and they still come to her with all their rants, raves, and frustrations. I was actually talking to my writing partner, Josh, the other night about how I look at my older sister and am SO jealous that she's happily married and has a beautiful nine month old child. Then I started thinking about what it would be like to go to bed terrified every night that something is going to happen to your child, that this person's life is absolutely dependent on your maturity, responsibility, and cohesion. Sure, the child gives you unconditional love, but that love comes at a cost...the cost of your freedom. Your life is now your child's life.

 

And as much as I'd like a child at some point in my life, I know that I could not handle that right now, because I'm still learning how to completely take care of myself, and I'm still learning how to have healthy relationships with others.

 

So, when it all comes down to it...being single and without those responsibilities isn't bad. It's actually pretty great. I don't have a wife, I don't have a child, I don't have a mortgage, I don't even have a pet that I have to look after. I really am freer than I realize. Free to discover who I am and what I'm capable of.

 

And yesterday I discovered I'm slightly capable of forethought. I thought about this girl Melissa who I hadn't spoken to in maybe four months...she had gone to Pittsburgh for a while to do a rotation for medical school and I was wondering if she returned. Not three hours later, I didn't immediately realize that I was standing behind her in line at a Wendy's.

 

 

Weeeeeird.

 

She declined on lunch with me. Still single. :-P

 

-Spontaneous K

My REAL Best Friend

I actually have a real best female friend. One who is genuinely there for me. She doesn't just listen to me when I'm down, she lifts me up. And I do the same for her.

 

Her name is Katie (Sorry MFIE. Her name is legally Katherine, but I've always called her Katie). Our story is a fun one. Lemme take you back, circa 2000.

 

Oh my god, I'm suddenly a sophomore in high school, and holy hell am I a nerd. I have no sense of style, I probably weigh about 120lbs, I wore a back brace (and braces on my teeth), I wrote a fantasy novel, and I played video games all day. I was so much a nerd that I had two siblings in the same school as me (one being my twin, the other being my "epitome of cool" brother), and most people didn't know there was a third one of us...me.

 

I was quiet. The intelligent type. People cheated off my vocab quizzes. I let them.

 

My twin sister and my brother owned the school. They were high school royalty. Their groups of friends were the types you saw in movies...uber attractive, amazing at sports, the super elite. They only dated each other. Kim, my twin, was best friends with a lot of these untouchable women...namely one. Katie. And Katie was truly untouchable. She dated a guy throughout high school who was crazy insane, much worse than OAOA was for me, but she kept running back to him for safety.

 

Whenever Katie would come over, my heart would stop. It was your typical high school crush. What was amazing about Katie was that she was popular yet somehow NOT a bitch like my sister and the other girls could be. (Yes, my sister was, and still can be...a bitch. But I love her.)

 

Katie, unlike OAOA, never reciprocated feelings for me, despite my attempts, however, she was always so humble about it. She never made me feel like I was wrong or that we couldn't be friends because of how I felt. Ten years later...she was right.

 

In the beginning, it was hard because Kim was possessive. Katie was HER best friend, not mine at all. And Kim did what high school girls did when they felt threatened. She made shit up.

 

Kim would tell me that Katie didn't like me at all, she was just being nice, and was really annoyed that I ever tried to talk to her. I should just stop. This, naturally, made me very sad.

 

Until I was reassured by Katie that Kim was making shit up.

 

As we grew up, and the partying and the popularity contests became less important to Katie, and having someone to connect with and empathize with became more important, she gradually moved from being my sister's best friend to my best friend.

 

Kim was bitter for a while. But now, Katie is a friend of my entire family. She just goes through me the most.

 

I haven't mentioned Katie because seven months ago, just one month before I met OAOA, Katie moved to Chicago with her long-term, planning to marry, boyfriend. Life became a whirlwind for both of us.

 

But she's coming in to visit this weekend. I'll see her for the first time in seven months.

 

I am SO STOKED. :)

 

-Spontaneous K

 

 

 

 

Moving Onward. Seriously this time. I'm SERIOUS!

I'm proud of myself. Not because I cut ties again with OAOA, but because I feel confident this time, and I'm not allowing myself to grieve too much. Maybe it's because I've done it a bajillion times already that it just doesn't hurt as much...or perhaps it's because I've finally accepted and understood that it's toxic and doesn't work.

 

Whatever the case, a HUGE thanks to all my readers harsh but true words of wisdom. You all had your insights, and you were all right in your own ways.

 

Clap, clap, clap, clap, I love you all.

 

Especially since all my readers seem to be female? Why is this? Haha.

 

This isn't the first time I've learned this lesson, and it probably won't be the last. However, since I'm aware of my pattern, that means each time it happens, I should be able to stop it more quickly and efficiently, until I've worked it out. I'll find myself in a healthy relationship. I know I will. :)

 

In the mean time, I have amazing news. I had a stroke of creative genius on the way to work this morning...and it felt so good that it almost made me feel like I had amazing sex the night before.

 

Remember My Troubled Protagonist? 

 

She's not TROUBLED ANYMORE! Seriously, when it hit me this morning, I almost froze and leaped straight up into the air in celebration. One simple idea cracked the code to my plagued story, and the beats shot through my mind like rapid-fire. I was back baby. This story is MINE.

 

Ben and I also started hitting the gym yesterday, and shall be returning today, and three times a week every week until we're strong and energized. Healthy habits for a healthy mind. :) Things aren't so bad after all.

 

But you guys (and myself, deep down) already knew that.

 

-Spontaneous K