I'm alright. Yesterday's post was a little dramatic and panicky, but I'm alright. I took a break while I was at work to give Katie a call so I could explain my crisis to a friend, and she told me, in so many words: "Dude, you can't think about all that stuff."
She's right. Mostly because the questions to which I'm seeking answers either a.) don't have answers, or b.) the answers are whatever I want them to be.
That's a shit-ton of a pressure for someone who isn't ready to have those questions answered. So Katie's simple solution was "Accept that you don't have the answers, and don't worry about it. I mean, sure, you might want to try and be more aware of what you're like when you're meeting new people or something like that, but thinking about what you look like when you're eating soup? That's too much."
That sounds out of context, but it's not. I had a moment at Passover dinner the other night where I was eating soup and I suddenly became extraordinarily self-aware and thought to myself "What am I doing right now? Without even thinking, I'm taking a spoon and lifting hot liquid into my mouth and swallowing it into my stomach so I can not be hungry. That's kind of weird."
Yes, I agree, it's too much to be thinking about.
Alas, I continued about my day as happily as I could. I went to the gym, I felt great, I developed ideas for how to continue my screenplay, the weather was gorgeous, so I tried my very best to just...be.
And then I got one of those phone calls that changes your whole day...possibly even your whole life...yet you don't realize it until much later.
On the way home from work, I got a phone call from my friend Richie. I hadn't talked to him in a while, something that I felt bad about, and I thought he may think I didn't want to be friends, so I was happy to see him calling me. When I answered, he sounded quite happy, which was great. After asking me how I was, he proceeded with "So, you want to hear something crazy?"
"Always," was my response. He continued on to warn me that this was really crazy, and while I couldn't imagine how crazy it could possibly be, I was ready for it. However, right before I gave him a chance to tell me, the craziest thing I could think of popped into my brain. And my intuition was right. "You're getting married."
"Yup!"
I freaked out on the street, in a happy way of course. Richie is someone I've known since I was 13, and we've both had some really shitty women problems. I thought he and the girl he had been dating had only been together for about 6 months, but it was coming up on a year. So, when he told me that he was getting married, I was ecstatic. What made me even more happy is that despite all the "woe is me" that I do, especially when I find that others are in serious relationships (i.e. my twin sister), I was truly, genuinely happy for Richie. There wasn't a tinge of jealousy. I couldn't get over how amazing that was for him, because I know he's struggled like I have.
Here's the kicker. The girl he's marrying he met on okCupid, a free online dating website. I've been on eHarmony...paying...for 10 months now with obviously no luck. Prior to that, I've tried them all...Match.com, JDate, Plentyoffish, you name it, I've tried it. And PAID for it. One of the reasons I avoided the free sites was because there were a lot of spammers, scammers, and people who weren't really serious about looking for someone. Richie's story, however, made me think twice about okCupid, and he said to me with as much conviction as he could "Kev, get off eHarms and get on okCupid."
So I did. And I ended up having an hour long conversation with a gorgeous 27-year old pastry chef named Kate who lives eight blocks away from me and has a predilection toward Jewish boys. We have a date tonight. And I hardly slept because I was so excited. I was excited because it was...easy. We started talking, and it just didn't stop. It felt right. And for the first time, I wasn't thinking to myself "That was too easy, something's going to go wrong," or "That was too easy, there's gotta be a catch," I was thinking "That was really easy, the way that it should be. And I deserve this."
I'll let you all know how it goes. :)
-Spontaneous K
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