I had a not so strange feeling of deja vu on Tuesday when Kate canceled on me due to pink eye. It was the same feeling I felt a few weeks prior when I had this incredibly awesome day with OAOA planned and then her sister was unfortunately struck by a vehicle while riding her bike. In my brain, I stood there shaking my fist at the universe, screaming on the inside "This isn't FAIR!"
And why is it not?
I wanted to protest. I felt myself slipping back into that negative pattern of "Fuck you world. If I can't do what I want, then I won't do anything."
But I wasn't going to let myself do it again. I realized very quickly what was happening, and a friend even decided to bring it to my attention as well by responding to my childish facebook status sarcastically thanking the universe for not cutting me a break. My friend wrote "The universe is probably writing on its wall write now about how K has unreasonable expectations of it."
Touche.
He was right. I was angry because what I wanted to happen didn't happen. For 24 hours, I ran through the possibility of an awesome date with this girl, leading into an awesome honeymoon phase of a relationship, and then into a serious, full-blown couple. I had weeks to months of our future already planned. And when the date didn't happen, the whole thing came crashing down as an impossibility. It wasn't just a date I was losing, it was a whole future! No wonder I was so distraught!
So...Lesson #1 from this experience: Managing expectations. Eliminating outcome based thinking. Focus on the task at hand and what's right in front of me instead of unreasonable futures. That way, not only is "failure" less likely, but so is disappointment.
I label it #1, because I learned a few things through this, things I probably could have learned when I went through this with OAOA. But sometimes you need to make a mistake more than once before it finally hits you.
Lesson #2: Stop waiting for the universe to provide me with what I want. Another reason I got so upset when the date didn't work out is because I didn't know when I'd get another date, and when I did, I'd have to start all over from the beginning again. That's always frustrating and scary. For most of my life, I've sat around waiting for the universe to provide me with the perfect circumstance to meet a woman. I've been waiting for that serendipitous moment where we're placed at the same place at the same time and I have just the right thing to say that is going to spark the greatest relationship of my life. I've been waiting for that house party where I'm comfortable enough to talk to someone, that friend to introduce me to someone, the job that's going to allow me to work with the right girl...
I've always HATED it when people have told me "Stop looking for it. It will come when you least expect it."
I'm almost convinced at this point that it's bullshit. That moment isn't coming. The universe isn't going to give me anything. If I want it, I have to do what other successful people do when they wanted something. I have to GO OUT AND GET IT. That means stepping out of my little comfort bubble and exposing myself to failures and rejections.
At first, I told myself I was going to ask out one girl every single day. I would put myself out there, find a random girl I was attracted to, and push myself to ask her out. Eventually, I wouldn't fear doing it, it would feel natural, and not only would I learn how to talk with women, but I wouldn't worry so much if I got turned down, because I know exactly when the next opportunity is coming. Whenever I choose it.
However, after I walked in and out of my apartment three times and into the sushi place below and bought some sushi that I didn't even want in order to psych myself up to talk to a pretty girl sitting by herself...I realized maybe I was aiming too high too quickly. Asking out a girl every single day is a high order.
I consulted with my friend Edward, my former roommate from Los Angeles and someone I trust with all my heart. He's the closest thing to a pick up artist that I know. He can pick up a woman any day of the week and be making out with her within hours. I've seen him do it, and it's pretty ridiculous. He's been wanting to show me how to be more comfortable in my own skin for years now, but I've been too afraid to step out of my bubble. Now, though, I felt like I was finally ready for his advice.
He told me that for my first assignment, I have to talk to one girl for a couple minutes every day for 21 days straight. If I miss a day, I have to start over from day one. I have to do it for 21 days in a row for it to become a habit. So I agreed. He also told me to change my name, as I'm transforming myself and I need to put my old name behind me, since there are negative connotations attached to it. I wasn't so sure about changing my name. I didn't even know what to change it to. I told him that on my blog, I call myself "Spontaneous K"...and maybe "K" would be a really cool way to introduce myself to women. He disagreed and told me to go with Michael, my middle name. I argued with him, telling him that I thought "K" was better.
He responded with "This is why I'll never be able to work with you. You put up walls when there's something you don't want to do."
He was right. And I realized it immediately. This wasn't the first time I've done this either. So I said to him: "You're right. I'll go with Michael. I trust you."
He was excited. I was excited. I'm going to document each day here on my blog, and also give Edward a written summary of what I did and said so he can evaluate and I can learn. I'm ready to do something different so I can finally be different.
Lesson #3: Eliminate the word "should" from my vocabulary. I actually suggest that everyone do this. The word "should" creates not only a feeling of pressure and guilt, but it creates an unnecessary dichotomy in the mind, where whatever you should have done or should be doing is the only "right" thing, and ever other option is completely wrong. This creates instantaneous failure. And rarely is the world so cut and dry. Rarely is there one "right" thing to do. It's better to ask yourself? "What would I like to do? What's the respectful thing to do? What's the compassionate thing to do? How would the other person feel about this?"
Should will only get me into trouble, and HAS gotten me into trouble. Like "Kate shouldn't have gotten pink eye. We should have gone on this date." or "OAOA's sister shouldn't have been hit by that car. I should've gotten to see OAOA." By saying those things, I'm making every other scenario a complete disaster. That's no way to think.
So...I'm going to think differently. As Michael. And you'll see my progress here.
-K
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