Day 1: Knocking Down The Walls

Edward was right. When I don't want to do something, I put up walls. And then I wonder why nothing ever changes. But something is changing now. Because I'm choosing to notice the walls I'm putting up, and I'm choosing to tear them down.

 

I'm going to consider yesterday Day Zero. I could've gotten my requisite couple minutes of conversing time with the opposite sex in, but I wasn't quite sure where to begin. It was a beautiful evening, I cleaned myself up, and I walked out into the city...

 

I had no clue where I was going.

 

I walked around the block...and then another block...trying to find somewhere to go, somewhere to walk into where it wouldn't seem apparent that the only reason I'm out right now is to find some woman to talk to. I didn't want to go into a coffee shop or a pizza place or anything like that because then I'd have to buy something and end up with food I didn't want, much like sushi incident.

 

I felt like a shark. I realized that no matter where I went, I wasn't confident in myself enough to pretend like I was there for another reason. It would be written all over my face that I'm approaching someone specifically. This wasn't natural.

 

So I went home and said to myself, "Ok. At least you went out with the intention. Tomorrow, you begin."

 

I woke up in a shitty mood. I had trouble getting out of bed, and I was late to work. Thoughts bombarded me...thoughts about Kate, thoughts about OAOA, thoughts about Firefly, thoughts about what the hell I have to go through in order to feel better, thoughts of not wanting to. Boom, those were my walls. I could see them, but they were making me feel a certain way that was difficult to pull myself out of. I knew I had to take action, but I was afraid. I was always skeptical when I was told that people stay miserable because it's comfortable. Why would anyone do that? Feeling miserable blows! Well, I'm finding out that it's because feeling miserable is actually what we're used to, and feeling the terror of going outside your comfort zone is worse than the misery. So we stick with the misery.

 

I knew, though, that if I pushed through...there wasn't anything to be afraid of. The only thing I was afraid of was myself. Not the girls, not the rejection or possible humiliation, but my own judgment, my own feelings of worthlessness and failure that I bestow upon myself in those situations. It's up to me to realize that I make myself feel the way I do, not them.

 

Having been late to work, I didn't have time to stop at Dunkin Donuts to get my waffle sandwich like I usually do. Instead, I went up to the cafeteria about an hour into work to get some breakfast. This seemed like a perfect opportunity for me to interact. I'm there getting breakfast. No harm done. Just talk to someone!

 

As I was paying for my food, I noticed the attractive woman behind me had a bagel. I like bagels. First thought that jumped into my head: "Ask her if the bagels are any good."

 

I didn't get a chance to ask while in line. So, I waited at the silverware/napkin stand, meandering around for a moment, for her to come over. When she did, I asked her the question. She responded with a short smile, "Yeah, they're pretty good..."

 

...and she practically RAN off.

 

Damn. That was, like, two seconds. I have a long way to go.

 

I was going the same way as her, so eventually we ended up in the elevator, just the two of us. I'm considering once more how to start up a conversation, considering this was a great opportunity, but my mind was going blank. She seemed so short with me that I didn't want to bother her.

 

The elevator DINGED. It was neither of our floors. A sweet older woman in her fifties entered the elevator, saying hi to both of us, despite not knowing who we were. I thought to myself, "Fine. I'll talk to her. She's willing to put herself out there."

 

We had maybe thirty seconds of conversation about how she just got back into town and missed the hot weather, but accidentally left the heat on in her place, and that's when I noticed something interesting. The older woman was talking to both of us, me and the woman my age...but the woman my age who had snubbed me earlier was equally as uninterested in talking to the older woman as she was with me. When the elevator doors opened, the younger woman went back to her rush and darted off the elevator.

 

So what's so interesting about that? I took it personally at first, but I didn't have to. Because something else was going on in this woman's life, and she wasn't interested in talking to anyone.

 

What a great lesson on my first day. Not to take things personally, because I never know what's going through the other person's mind. She could have been in trouble at work, late, ill, whatever. Anything. It had nothing to do with my bagel question.

 

After wishing the older women a nice weekend, I was feeling pretty darn good. I didn't know if that counted or not, since she's not in my age range, but I told myself I wouldn't normally talk to her, so sure, it counts! The point is to step out of my comfort zone. What was even more amazing was that even though I had gotten about a couple minutes of conversing in, I didn't want to stop. I felt energized. I wanted to keep talking to people!

 

So I did!

 

When I got back down to my floor, I went straight to the kitchen to heat up my breakfast and make some coffee. I talked to three different guys in there, one I'd spoken to briefly in the past, and two I'd never spoken to in my life. All were very friendly. And we talked about nothing in particular. I asked the one if he had ever gotten breakfast upstairs and he got really passionate about how good their oatmeal is. I talked to the other about how happy I am that it's Friday. And all I said to the third, was "I'm excited about this," as I walked away with my hot food and coffee. He genuinely laughed and returned with "Great way to start the day."

 

While I'm going to keep my focus on talking to women in my age group, because that's my ultimate challenge, I'm going to also talk to people in general. I felt a rush after it was all done, because I was taking action and making change. I could do it.

 

And all those negative emotions I woke up with simply dissolved.

 

I'd say this is an excellent first day. And tonight I'm headed to a beef and beer charity event where I will know NO ONE. A great learning opportunity.

 

-Spontaneous K