Somewhere Between On Again and Off Again

This is going to be an interesting summer, to say the least.

 

The girl I’ve been seeing for the past month or so, Teri, and I have decided to just be friends. Ultimately it was bound to happen, since she’s moving to Seattle at the end of August. Both of us felt, however, that it would be best to end it sooner, as the two of us know that attachment when someone is definitely leaving is a recipe for disaster.

 

Tomorrow, I have a first date with someone new. Rebecca. A 25-year old Social Worker, and another OkCupid prospect. Our first phone conversation lasted two hours, a good sign. I am genuinely excited to meet her, especially considering she’s NOT moving anywhere anytime soon. Unfortunately, the excitement has been diluted by recent activity with OAOA.

 

It’s very little activity. Like emotional tremors, warning you of an impending earthquake. Admittedly, I want that Earthquake.

 

Ever since she contacted me two weekends ago, I haven’t been able to get her out of my mind. And that’s when I decided that I wasn’t over her, I didn’t want to be over her, and I wasn’t ready to give up.

 

I wasn’t sure what her intentions were for reaching out to me. I’m still not sure. But I needed to give this one last final hurrah. I wasn’t going to keep my emotions trapped inside of me anymore. I’m kind of a crazy dude, as most guys can be when they’re in love, and I was prepared to show it.

 

I called her each and every night. And each and every night, I didn’t get an answer. I didn’t care. I was going to keep trying until I got one. Even it was “Kevin, if you don’t stop calling, I’m going to get a restraining order on you.”

 

I would take it. I loved her.

 

This past Saturday evening, I sent her an email. It contained a quote I had written, and a short message to her:

 

“There is a difference between the people we meet once and forget and the people that leave a mark. They both ultimately change our lives, yes, but the ones we remember, the ones we miss…those are the ones that continue to shape our lives even after they are gone. In that sense, there is no end. There is no real goodbye. You are forever crossed.”

 

I know deep in my heart that you truly are my best friend. Which is why I can’t let go. I can only learn to do better for you.

 

As usual, I didn’t expect to get a response from her. The next day, however, I did. Before I opened it on my blackberry, I ran through the possibilities in my head. I was almost certain it was something along the lines of “Please stop calling me and sending me things like this. It’s too much.”

 

But it wasn’t. It was simply: “ J Thank you Kevin.”

 

I replied with “You’re most welcome.”

 

I then heard from her again…saying “I was thinking…we should go to AC this week.”

 

I said, “Pick a day. I’m with you.”

 

It’s only been a day, but I haven’t heard back from her yet. She hasn’t picked a day. I called, and she still didn’t answer. I sent her an email this morning proposing Friday for our AC trip…but nothing.

 

All I can think is that where ever she is, she’s scared and she’s torn, yet at the same time she’s missing me and thinking about me.

 

At least one of us has to be sure to make this leap. And I’m sure. And I am not giving up.

 

Because I’ve never felt love like this before.

 

-Spontaneous K